Reliant ~ [John Soap MacTavish]

XLIX. Fixing

But I couldn't, and I shouldn't.

Though for some reason I feel my defense crumbling every time he lays his eyes on me.

"Would it?" I ask, a guilty, knowing smile plays on my lips as we reach my room. I turn my back to the door, Soap coming to a halt right in front of me.

He smiles too, though a pained expression follows quickly after, subsiding just as quickly as it had appeared. "God, Alex, no. I just really wanted to come and see you, but now that I'm here, I just—"

I immediately regret bringing the entire thing up. "—No," I quickly add. "It's fine. You're already here now, so let's talk."

Soap's eyes hold mine, a mixture of emotions flickering within them. I can tell he's holding back something. "Yeah, let's talk," he says, his voice low and husky, sending shivers down my spine. He hesitates for a moment before stepping past me, immediately making the room feel a thousand times smaller.

I feel like I have no way to escape him anymore. Where I usually find a way to keep myself at a distance, to keep myself from doing something I shouldn't, right now he's giving me no option to.

The proximity between us sends a rush of warmth through me that I've been trying so hard to ignore, and I quickly regret the fact that I invited him in here. I swallow hard, trying to ignore the rapid thudding of my heart.

"What did you want to talk about?" I manage to say, my throat suddenly having gone dry.

Soap's gaze softens, his features bathed in the sunlight coming through the small window. "Us," he replies, his tone tinged with hesitation.

My breath catches in my throat, my mind racing as I struggle to process his words. For a second, I resent him for bringing this up. It means we'll have to choose again, and I know I'll have to choose the option that will hurt us the most.

"Us?" I repeat, unable to tear my gaze away from his intense stare.

"Yeah," he murmurs, his hand inching closer to mine, the heat of his touch sending a jolt of electricity through me. "I know it is none of my business. I do, but.. were you serious? About not coming back here, I mean?"

I sigh, letting my shoulders relax a little, thankful for the fact it's giving me the option to sidetrack the conversation. "I think so," I say, "I just don't think it's fair to you all. Besides, my people, or at least the ones who are left, will need me."

He nods, looking at me as if inspecting my features. "I get it."

"I just don't fit in here."

He snorts out a laugh, nearly scoffing, but he keeps it relatively quiet. "You know that is not true. You might be more intense than some, but you know damn well Price likes you more than he lets on."

I shake my head. "I'm not so sure."

"Liar," he says, a slight tilt of his head as he looks down at me.

"Stop," I can't help but laugh, giving him a soft push. "You know what I mean."

"I don't, Alex. Really," he turns serious. "I don't think you realize how much we could do together."

He's suddenly way too close for the mutual agreement of not going through with it. My brain tries so hard to come up with the right response, but I feel the wrong one slipping past my lips before I even get the chance to stop myself.

"Like what? Pretend not to be into each other and refrain from pulling one another into one of the closets around here? Because that is, indeed, taking me a lot of effort and I'm not sure how long I can hold out on that one, Soap."