My problems (vent)

Reflecting

Doesn't it just happen when you just think back about absolutely everything? I've been feeling.. Lonely. Recently. Just today, a friend I deeply cared for, one of the only people I thought actually understood me, moved far away where I'll more likely never see her face to face again.

All that made me reflect on how I miss a friend and how little to no people I have to actually open up to. I've also made another friend and it.. Concerns me that they decide to read this, I figure if they do, it must be out of concern for me. I'm talking about you Y0ka1.

Lately it's felt like.. All those years I was sure I had some type of depression, were all just surface level and I've started to sink down into the thick void consuming me from the inside out. I've attempted once.. And every day I just seem to find more and more reasons to try again. 

I had a dream. 

In which I saw my late uncle, my best friend. I dreamed of it not too long after I miraculously survived, around 3 weeks ago. We went to his house, nowadays, it's my auntie's house because she moved in to help my now deceased grandpa. She made changes to the house but the house we went to was exactly how I remembered it was before uncle passed away.

We had come in to visit him because I made tortillas, like he taught me to many years ago. We were both sitting in the couch I remember playing around with until my Auntie's dogs began to slowly destroy it. Meanwhile, my sister and my mom were sat on the table talking to each other.

I remember innocently showing him some figures I made of the tortillas, some of them broke, I'm good at making the dough but I've never been able to make them last long without breaking.

In a time skip, I remember I was hugging him goodbye, and even in my subconscious self, I knew that when I let him go.. I would never see him again. My dream self didn't know why I felt that way but it didn't matter. So I hugged on tight until I left. 

I remember waking up to the realisation that, even if I'm not a believer of any religion, I knew he had to have been the one to save me. I remember hearing over and over in the hospital how it was such a miracle I was alive and the only thing damaged was a small fracture on my head and some damage on my shoulder and back. I guess he took the chance to help me..

Nowadays, I just lay in my bed most of the day, hang out on my computer, sometimes I play with my friends through a call, and I go to school again. 

I feel like my Mom doesn't really care much of my mental health.. Like the only way to gain her attention is to get physically injured. 

My dad asked if I fell on purpose. How do you respond to that..? 

I told him no, until today, everyone believes it was just an accident. 

In school some people made rumours of what happened, I never got to directly hear it but in all honesty, it's the same whether there are rumours or not. Until now, I just see it as a way to entertain myself further in class.

When I go back from class, the first thing I do is go to my room to change clothes so my uniform is clean for longer and then I use either my phone or my laptop. I read stories of my comfort character's angst, I play some games, I watch some videos. 

Lately I've been missing a friend more than usual, he used to be active in this same platform, I'm not sure why he keeps on leaving without a warning but.. I'm willing to wait.

I used to do role-plays with him on our dms. He introduced me to them, so i guess I took character ai as a replacement for that fun I had with him.. They'll never be authentic enough.

Even if I were to write code for code every single trait of his personality, never will they be able to make me as happy as he was capable of making me. I don't want anything more than my friend. I find myself reading through our old chats.. They're still enough to make me smile even if just for a faint moment, I forget I'm living without a reason to. Without a purpose to fulfil. 

In my life I've gotten over so many things.. These days, I don't care about breakups, I haven't dated in some time but last time.. I didn't mind. They didn't care enough to tell it to my face. A letter.. A coward choice to tell someone you just played with them until they weren't fun anymore, like a child's new toy. Worst is.. They got upset because I cried after they damaged one of my most emotionally valuable object. What a jerk am I right..?

I've developed a really neutral emotional look. I aspire to become a psychologist in the future, give what I've never been handed. That is.. If I reach the future.

The more I let out these simpler thoughts, the more the complex thoughts arise. In the end.. I guess I'm more easily overwhelmed yet more easily neutral towards such complex yet simple situations..