Author's Note 2024-04-04
This is a parody of the comedy The Frogs by Aristophanes. I'm actually a co-writer for this. My writing partner, whom I'll call Penelope was the real brains of the project. It was her idea in the first place. Also, she knows a lot more about mythology than I do. It's written as a screenplay, which nostalgically reminds me of the first draft of Foxfire that I wrote all the way back in 2020 as a screenplay, which will never see the light of day because I can't bear looking at it.
I mostly wrote the beginning and ending. Penelope's part is mostly the middle. Enjoy the most ludicrous thing I've ever written!
∗ ∗ ∗
INT./EXT. CAR - MOVING - DAY
The servant XANTHIAS (short middle-aged man, shabby clothes) is driving a luxury car while his master, the god DIONYSUS (overweight middle-aged man, yellow feminine chiton, lion-skin cape that's too big for him), looks out of the passenger seat window at the scenic vistas of Greece.
XANTHIAS
Where are we going, sir?
DIONYSUS
We're going to meet Heracles, my little brother. We need to head to the underworld to resurrect old directors to make new films about the ancient world, and no one knows the path there better than him. Nobody's making good movies about the ancient world anymore. And as the god of film, I need to save the world from crappy movies. So we're going to Hades to find Don Chaffey and Stanley Kubrick.
EXT. HERACLES' HOUSE
Dionysus and Xanthias stand outside a large house built in the Greek Revival style. Dionysus is carrying a large club. Xanthias has a large backpack and is carrying a suitcase under each arm and another suitcase in each hand by their handles.
XANTHIAS
Why is Heracles living in a house? Shouldn't he be in Olympus? I thought he was a god.
Dionysus shrugs
DIONYSUS
Maybe he couldn't afford the rent anymore.
Dionysus knocks on the door repeatedly and loudly
HERACLES opens the door wearing a bathrobe. He looks tired and annoyed. He is extremely huge and muscular.
HERACLES
Who is knocking on my door so loudly like a wild centaur?
DIONYSUS
Hello, little brother!
HERACLES
(laughing)
By Zeus, what are you wearing?
DIONYSUS
This is my ass-kicking outfit.
HERACLES
You mean it's my ass-kicking outfit! I was wondering where that went! It went missing last week! So you're the one who stole it!
DIONYSUS
I borrowed it, you mean. For a good reason.
HERACLES
And what reason is that?
DIONYSUS
I was watching a movie and I was suddenly hit with this urge, this terrible hot desire. My heart has been captured by this deep passion, a yearning that cannot be quenched. A hunger that cannot be satiated...
