Helluva Guy (Helluva Boss x Autisic reader.)

C.H.E.R.U.B

Keenie: Is that a serious question?

Keenie adjusts Lyle's bedsheets, revealing his wallet full of dollar bills. Cletus grabs the wallet.

Keenie: He can help spread his wealth around with the people of the world! And do so much good with it! And be so fulfilled!

Keenie flies around, grabbing Lyle's wallet from Cletus and happily throws Lyle's dollar bills in the air.

Lyle: Nnnno!

Collin: He could pay for new hospitals and schools!

Lyle: Why won't you let me die?

Blitzo appears beside him.

Loona: He clearly wants to die.

Blitzo: Loony's right. It sounds like ya need help offin' yourself there, buddy. Moxxie, what do we got for this fella?

Moxxie reaches into his coat and tosses a variety of weapons to Blitzo and Lyle. They each catch an assault rifle, Blitzo also catching a crossbow with his tail.

Moxxie: I have some assault weapons, crossbow, hunting bow, Tommy gun, old-fashioned shotgun, revolvers in three colors, chainsaws, katanas--

Collin: He's classier than that!

Lyle points the assault rifle into his mouth, before Collin takes it from him.

Collin: There are still plenty of reasons to live, Mr. Lyle!

Millie: Yeah, right. Smells like he ain't been out of bed in months!

Y/N sniffs Lyle. He becomes visibly ill, covering his mouth, and Loona Moxxie by the shoulder as he vomits on the floor. Loona pats him on the back.

Cletus: Life can be beautiful at any age!

Keenie: And we'll show him!

Cletus, Collin, and Keenie: Yeah!

Blitzo, Moxxie, Loona, and Millie: NOOOOO--!

/////

The three cherubs roll Lyle in his bed outside to a hill overlooking a forest and a lake.

Cletus: Look around, Lyle. God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age! Or wealth!

Collin: If you were to end your life, you'd be missing aaaaaall of this!

Blitzo appears in a tiger costume.

Blitzo: Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?

Blitzo does a suggestive gesture with his fingers, indicating sex.

Keenie covers her mouth and gasps. Collin blankly stares in disbelief, and Cletus gives a disappointed look.

Keenie: That is so inappropriate!

Millie and Moxxie appear in cat costumes. Loona was in her hellhound form. Y/N wasn't dressed up as an animal.

Millie: Weren't you supposed to wear the bear suit?

Y/N: I...didn't wanna wear it.

Millie shrugged and and looked at Lyle.

Millie: Oh, kiss our ass, prude!

She flips a double bird at Lyle.

Blitzo shoves Lyle aside in the face and sits next to him.

Blitzo: Aaaanyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close.

Blitzo grabs a pair of binoculars out of nowhere. Lyle looks through the binoculars and sees an adorable group of bunnies and squirrels together. The critters are suddenly torn apart and eaten by a pack of hungry wolves.