AH collections

Blame

"Yeah... Recovering from a hell of a hangover, but otherwise okay," he said, trying to lighten the mood.

"That makes sense," Ryan muttered. "Do you remember last night?"

"Not much," Jeremy admitted. "Why? Did I tell you something dumb? Because I was drunk as fuck , dude-"

Wordlessly, Ryan pulled his phone from his pocket and unlocked the screen. He passed it to Jeremy. The messages were sent around 3 A.M.

Battle Buddy: Sorry i suck

B: And left early

B: Its my fault everything went bad

B: I dont think i should stay in the crew

B: Llllllllllllllllllllll

B: Sorry i didnt mean to send that

B: Just forget it sorry i dont know what im doing

5:41 AM

Ryan: Jeremy? I'm sorry I just woke up

R: Don't do anything rash. We need you in the crew.

R: Jeremy are you there?

R: I'm worried.

R: I'm heading over right now.

Ice ran through Jeremy's veins, and he felt a pit in his stomach. I don't think I should stay in the crew . Despite having no memories of the texts, the words sent cold familiarity reeling through Jeremy's mind. He was really considering that. Him and his big mouth, the fact that he wasn't around nearly as long as the others, his shittiness at paying attention that would one day actually cost the life of one or more of the crew. He couldn't have the others cleaning up after him all the time, like yesterday.

He remembered the events clearly. It was a firefight, one of the most tense they'd had in months. Panic had invaded Jeremy's head. Lindsay was wounded, Trevor was missing, and Geoff was frantically shouting directions into their comms. The words turned into a meaningless jumble in Jeremy's head, and the next thing he knew he had caught a pulled grenade with no idea what to do with and six voices screaming in his ears to move, throw, do something Jeremy we're going to fucking die please .

He'd frozen. It felt like a swarm of flies buzzed in his skull, preventing any messages from reaching his body. In the end, it took Jack running from cover, luckily taking bullets in her body armor rather than her head, and a tackle to knock the grenade out of Jeremy's hand far enough where it wouldn't harm anybody. It didn't end up anywhere near the intended target, but Jack had saved Jeremy's life from his own stupidity. The crew was forced to evacuate, reaping nothing from the heist except wounded crew members. Jeremy was in shock for long afterwards, unable to comprehend what the others were saying. Michael was angry, so angry that Jeremy almost killed himself, and Gavin was scared and uncharacteristically silent. Geoff was angry too, but the disappointed kind that a parent would aim at a misbehaving child, and Jack was silent as well, nursing the wounds she sustained from cleaning up after Jeremy's mess.

So yeah, once he collected his senses, Jeremy was in the worst mood possible. And he was pissed, pissed at himself for being such an absolute, undeniable liability. Then he drank.

"I..." Jeremy's voice broke. "I don't... I don't remember sending those," he said, purposely withholding his thoughts and praying Ryan would just leave. Ryan didn't buy a second of it, and he closed the door behind him, guiding Jeremy to the sofa.

"Jeremy. You don't seriously blame yourself for what happened yesterday?" Ryan asked.

Something snapped in him suddenly, the pent up self-hatred lashing out like a whip. "What the fuck? Of course I do, what the fuck else would I do! I fucking froze , Ryan. I know you're a fucking liar by trade but you don't have to pretend I wasn't terrible!" He bit his tongue to prevent more bile from rising out of his mouth, this time not physical.

Ryan's eyes hardened, and he clenched his jaw, clearly working hard to keep his composure. "You made a mistake . Everybody makes mistakes ." He carded his hair with his fingers, and Jeremy noticed the dark circles under his eyes, a pang of guilt hitting him in the chest. His voice sounded pleading. "We were in the bad situation long before the grenade. All of us made mistakes, I know I-" he cut himself off. "It just happened that the one with the most obvious impact landed on you."

The bile rose in Jeremy again, and he choked it down, grimacing instead at how cold his voice sounded. "So? That doesn't change that mine was the one that almost got me and Jack and probably the rest of you killed because you'd be missing the two of us. It's not so fuckin' easy to excuse shit like that."

"Well, Jack did something and we're all here, aren't we?" Ryan replied, voice equally icy. "So we have to move on."

"Just like that? And what if it happens again, and again, and Jack's not there to fix my stupid fucking mistakes the next time?" Jeremy spat, cursing himself for taking out his frustrations on his friend.

"Then you'll learn ," Ryan said. "And it won't happen again because you'll know what to work on."

Jeremy's vision blurred, and he covered his face with his hands, not in the mood to break down completely, again. "Isn't it better to eliminate the risk completely?" he said, muffled.

A weight settled on Jeremy's back briefly, but withdrew just as quickly when Jeremy tensed his shoulders and flinched. The hand retreated, and Jeremy hated himself for being so difficult, for contradicting and pushing away the person who woke up and immediately drove to Jeremy's just because he was worried. It was hard to feel like any more of an asshole. Jeremy peeked through his fingers at Ryan, who was sitting stiffly with his hands planted firmly on his knees.

"All I know is I want you as part of the crew," Ryan said, deep voice shaking slightly. Jeremy slid his hands down enough to see Ryan's eyes glisten and his teeth digging into his lower lip. "I... " He seemed at a loss for words, and Jeremy wanted to let his guard down, to reach and hug this man who internalized all his problems and shoved them behind a black mask traced with silver veins. But he didn't, because he was a coward.

"I'm going to stay here to make sure... Nothing stupid happens," Ryan said, parsing his words carefully. Jeremy realized Ryan was including himself in that statement, too.

The sun rose above the horizon and the city was grey.

"Okay," said Jeremy.