Splinters: Part One

Part One | 44

"Are you okay, Brayden?" Greg questioned, not giving Melissa a chance to say anything.

I shrugged. "Yeah."

Greg pressed his lips together. "Brayden. Are you okay?"

I swallowed again, a lump beginning at my throat. Tears began to surface in my eyes. When was I going to stop being a baby and not cry every time something happens?

"I don't know. Collie's the first girl I've ever... loved in that way, you know? I-I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to be a boyfriend. I feel like I'm doing a good job, but I keep making mistakes whether it involves Ursanne or being at Collie's house when her parents aren't home or having her come over and getting caught doing stuff we're not supposed to do! It's just, I'm trying really hard to be the best boyfriend I can be to her, but at the same time, I'm trying to be the best brother to Ursanne and the rest of the girls because they need someone to look up to and trust and I'm trying to be the best son you guys can have because you've never had one and I've never had a real family and I just keep messing up!" I shouted, hitting my leg in frustration.

My teeth were clenched and my face was angry as I tried my best not to keep the tears from falling.

"Yeah, I initially left because you guys wouldn't let me see her, but... Living here in a perfect house in a perfect family with a perfect girlfriend in a perfect world makes me want to be perfect, too. But I can't be." I let the first tear fall now, knowing I couldn't keep it in any longer. "No matter what, I'm not going to be the son you guys have always wanted. The truth is I grew up with a dad who tried to support me, but wasn't doing anything right. I lost the only woman who's ever done it right for me by one stroke. I lived with tons of kids, meeting one family after the other, promising myself that they'd never work out, that I'd hate it there, that I don't belong with any of them and they shouldn't want a torn apart boy like me. And it's all because I came from a messed up, self-centered, abandoning mother. If I could even call her that."

Tears were streaming down my face. It made me feel gross, stupid, and pitiful. How many breaking points am I going to have? How many times am I going to lose it? Surely, the Piersons will get sick of it.

"I feel..." I started quietly after a very long moment of silence, my eyes fixated on one leg of the coffee table. "That I'm not good enough for any of you."

"Oh, Brayden," Melissa gasped, her voice breaking as she came over and wrapped her arms around my shoulders.

Greg came over, too; his hand on the back of my head and his other arm around Melissa and myself. "You're so wrong, Brayden," Greg told me. "You are so wrong. You, next to your sisters, are the best thing that ever walked into our lives. Don't you ever think that for a second that you're not good enough, for anybody."

"Brayden," Melissa pulled back. "I think it's time you see your mother again."

I jerked my head towards Melissa. "What?"

She shook her head, laughing humorlessly. "I can't believe I never considered her being the reason you feel like this."

I looked away. I can blame everything that went wrong in my life on my mom. I could say she did this and she did that and hate her for it. But I'll only hate her for a short time. No matter what, she's still the woman I first called Mom. And I'll love her forever. But the messed up thing is that if she stayed, and if she loved my dad and loved me, everything might've turned out all right. Everything might've been okay, and it sucks to have that 'what if,' but when I think about it, I truly believe that my life would be so much better. I wouldn't have even one Splinter.

But that's not the truth. The truth is I should hate her, but I don't. And the times where I do, the times like these, I take it out on the Piersons, and that's what's not fair. All these thoughts, all these questions and what if's... I do need to see her. Not only just to see her, but to get more answers. More real answers. Closure. Understanding. I need to show her how she made me feel all those years without her, how she still makes me feel.