new girl - leah williamson

chapter 16: if not now, when?

i walk out into the kitchen, needing some water and pain killers.
luckily, we don't have anything on today. but sarina does want us to do some team building.

"le where's the pain killers?" i call from the kitchen out to leah.

"top cupboard" she replies without missing a beat. i grab a couple, and fill up a glass of water.

"le?" i hear lucy ask
"since when has she called you le? i didn't realize you two were that close" she states, a very unmistakable hint of suspiciousness in her voice.

"uhm- yeah, we've gotten closer" she stutters out
"she's sweet when you get to know her" i don't think they realized i can hear them. i scoff at leah calling me sweet.

"hey! stop eavesdropping or come join us!" leah's sweet unserious voice shouts from the kitchen.
i consider it, but i don't know if i'm good with lucy.
nahh.
i think it'll be fine.

i walk into the room, sitting down on the spare beanbag. they get into a conversation again.
soon enough i space out, thinking about what the psychologist said in one on the first sessions. have something familiar, to depend on, something that will never change. initially, i didn't even register the idea. i mean it sounds ridiculous doesn't it. recently, as everythings been a mess, constantly changing, all i'm relying on is my superstitions.
they never change. never have. never will.
i always have my socks over my knees for warming up, short socks for the game. my white nike headband, always. i even have backups.
this one's an odd one, i wear two different pairs of boots for warmup. they're the exact same design, but two different pairs. whichever feels best in the warmup, i wear. it surprised my teammates, but they soon understood, but they do still tease me about it.
i'm always number 9. no matter what.
that was one of the conditions that i joined this team. in chelsea academy, and the youth lionesses, it's always been 9. and now in my senior career, i'm still 9.
i always wear 9 peices of jewelry: one necklace, one earring in my left ear, and two in my right, as right is luckier, so i peirced my right ears cartilage (it was originally a dare from my mates, which i couldn't turn down as i have a year long streak of doing any dare. but since i pierced it i've been lucky), i wear a bracelet on my right, and another on my left, then three rings.

in total, that's nine.
i have a tattoo on my neck of a small number 9.
i also have one on my thigh saying 'make it happen', a tattoo just above my elbow of the year 2022, seeing as that was my first senior call up. on the inside of my arm i have a tattoo saying 'if not now, when?' , and finally one just below my bra line saying 'everything happens for a reason. '. i really live by these. i have a few others but they're random, like a matching peice of toast i have with georgia. and my most important one; a small semi colon on my wrist.
but as i go over these in my head, the things that stay the same, i realise one thing.
if not now, when?

i need to get better. i cant keep going down this dark road.

"soph?"
"sophiaa?"
i hear leah coo.

"hmm?" i hum, turning my head to her.

"you alright? keira asked you a question" leah says sweetly, a small smile on her face.

"oh sorry, what was it keira?" i say apologetically.

"i was asking if you like your mural?" she says softly. maybe she's not as bad as i thought.

"oh yeah, i only just saw it this morning. " i say laughing
"i love it. " thats the truth. i do love it. all my hard work getting to this.
but there's one thing. i don't know how some fans, well the men, how they'll react. getting painted over the one and only harry kane.
oh well, do i really care?
a few harsh words online. it won't bother me.