TW: this chapter MIGHT get a little bit dark. If you're a sensitive person, this may hurt you. You have been warned.
Heya! It's 10:01 PM right now and I've been doing nothing.... Except for reading a little bit but whatever. This will kinda hurt to write because I've been bottling these emotions up for too long and I just got to that point where I said 'forget it'. Heck, there's been so much on my chest that I don't even know where to start... I just know this will be long
(𝘼/𝙉: 𝙄𝙩 𝙄𝙎𝙎𝙎. 𝙄'𝙢 𝙖𝙩 1111 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙙𝙨.)
Hmm..might as well begin to explain why I haven't been writing much then go on from there? Sure.
OK SOOOOO... let's start where it all began-- December of 2023 when we finally got a house. We were so happy but we'd be too busy remodeling instead of posting and stuff. Besides, this house is out in God's Country. Theres no cell service. So I've been having to do schoolwork in the car on my grandma's hotspot as my grandpa is at work. This was my first break from wattpad (that began these tragic thoughts)
Fast forward to after Christmas when we finally get satellite WiFi. Now, this Wifi is weird. I'm not explaining why because it would take forever to write but it's weird. We can only use a specific amount of data per month... My online school takes up half of it.... My grandparents watching tiktok, their amazing amount of emails, and Facebook/Facebook messages takes up a lot of it. So I barely have any time for my stuff except to watch YouTube on my TV. This makes the wifi too slow to write on wattpad.
Now, we fast forward to January-febuary of 2024. On January, I got my final grades... Which was all a's. However, this meant I would be starting all over with my grades. I instantly began to fail as I did at the beginning of the year.. Resulting in more negative thoughts. This was until around the end of February when I stood up and went on another break to chill out. I think the break worked because now I have 2 a's and 2 b's... I'm slowly working my way back up to being a straight A student.
Now, it's current time (March 2024). Not really much has happened this month except for the fact that I'm in some random depression right now... I still haven't fully recovered but don't worry.. I'm getting there.
Now there's another reason on why I haven't been writing lately... When I first created this account I was extremely extroverted. I loved meeting new people and hanging out... Untill I was enrolled in this death trap of a school. I became an introvert and now I can't even talk to the Walmart cashier without sweating. And the worst part...
I can't even text my friends anymore.
There was a time where I enjoyed texting first. I would always start conversations the second I woke up... Now texting first is awkward. This resulted in me not being comfortable with talking to anyone.
OH YEA AND just to get this off my chest this reminds me of something... If ya know me personally you probably know how much I hate my mom but love my dad to pieces. WELL (uh how do I explain this?) Me talking to him has also been delayed due to me becoming an introvert. I haven't texted him since January when he said he was proud of me for my grades... WELLLLLLL.... my grandma had the audacity to text him and ask him if he could call me this weekend... And like the good father he is, he said yes. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY!!! I HAVEN'T CALLED THIS MAN SINCE THE SUMMERTIME!!! and even worse... I'M WRITING THIS ON FRIDAY NIGHT!! I'm not really 'scared'... More nervous then scared tbh.
Anyway this reminds me of something else I gotta get off my chest..
~ inhale ~
My boyfriend.
OH BOY THIS IS GONNA BE LONG!!
I again haven't talked to him since summer but I love him more then I ever did. Our 1 year anniversary is on the 27th (writing this on the 15th.) And I'm working on this drawing of him. I'll put it on my art book on the 27th when I'm hopefully finished. ANYWAY due to lack of cell service I CAN'T talk to him. He doesn't have wattpad or anything because he has writing disorders and doesn't like to read so we can't talk through PM's. I don't have anything like discord or Snapchat because my grandparents are too afraid that, "oh no! She's gonna get kidnapped. Oh no my sweet little angel. We can't let that happen.." (Yes that was my crappy impersonation) THEIR SO FRICKIN PROTECTIVE THAT I SERIOUSLY HAVE PARENTAL CONTROLS ON MY PHONE SO I'M "SAFE" LIKE GURL I'M OLD ENOUGH TO NOT ANSWER A TEXT BY SOME OLD MAN---
Anyway back to my bf... I have him added on roblox but he doesn't answer roblox messages. I see him on his games often (pet sim 99 and bedwars.) But I don't play those games. I instead prefer rainbow friends, tower of hell (IT'S A NAME OF A GAME NOT CUSS WORD), difficulty chart obbies, obby maker, and flood escape (classic). But I usually have my joins off. Should I join him? Message him? Turn my joins on? What should I do?
Anyway when we do get to text, I can't just tell him this whole bucket list of problems! I'd be 'too clingy'. Which sucks bc if it wasn't for him I seriously probably wouldn't be alive rn. When we first met I was in a crazy depression.. I mean crazy crazy. I was slitting my wrists, hitting myself on purpose, I was going insane. But DON'T WORRY because this was a year ago. I wouldn't really consider myself 'better' but I'm not that crazy.
Anyway there's also a reason I want this relationship to last... It's not just lust like all my other ones on the past. Sure we've had some.... Rather spicy conversations but don't all relationships?! Heck this one time I had to call him in front of my grandpa due to me not being allowed outside.. I talked to him as I usually do, my grandpa thought we were good friends! We laughed, joked, talked, ya wouldn't even know our hearts beated for each other!
Anyway uh on that note I'mma go to sleep.. It's 11:25 PM I've been writing for over an hour.. And I'm TIRED.... BYEEEEEE
