I Fell In Love With An Impossibility

First Sight, First Confession, Then died.

Love is something we can't predict and stop. Sa iba, ang pagdating nito ay tila isang swerte, a gift from heaven kung baga, pero saakin, sobrang hirap.

I'm Harvey, a highschool student, and i don't like socializing at all, in short, a cold person. It all started way back in 2020, pandemic days, modular and online classes. I have this friend na kasabay ko mag module those days, lets name him Kian. So everytime na magsasagot kami ng modules, talagang walang tigil and as his 'module buddy' hinahati namin ung bawat subjects para mapadali. There is this one time na nag pahinga at kumain muna kami. While eating he showed me a picture of girl, a pretty girl.

"Pre tingnan mo oh, classmate natin, Celine pangalan." - Kian

Right after na ipakita nya sakin yung pic ay agad agad pumasok sa utak ko yung sikat na vlogger na si Niana Guerrero.

"Gag#, oo nga pre kamukhang kamukha pa ni Niana." - Harvey

"Aw ga, parehas pa ng nasaisip WHAHAHA" - Kian

I quickly opened my messenger and start looking for her name sa gc ng section namin. After a while, nakita ko na ung full name nya, Celine Esbanan.
But no, di ko sya inadd agad, wala akong lakas ng loob para gawin yon. I stalked her and i was stunned by her beauty talaga, and that time it really is a "love at first sight".

"Oooh... what a rare surname" - Harvey

Many days have passed, and our adviser called out for a meeting. That time is the time when we're about to elect our class officers. Guess what? I got elected as the class president.

As a class president, ako ung pinagtatanungan ng mga classmates ko whenever may something sila na hindi naiintindihan or may na miss sila meetings and other stuffs. One day, nag chat si Celine sakin.

"Okay Harvey, stay calm, act normal." - Harvey

She asked me for help about our TLE module, kasi may mga pages and procedures daw sya na hindi maintindihan, and as the class president, i helped her even tho tatalon talon na ako sa kilig.

We had a lil bit of chitchats and mostly school related topics, and that is the day our friendship starts.

I know na sa time na yon ay crush ko na talaga sya, pero I don't have the guts to tell her, kasi nga I'm an introvert person. (oo na torpe na ano ba WHHAHA)

Time skip tayo, 2022, i admire her for over 2 years and still, i was not able to tell her my feelings.

Early or mid 2022 was our first day of classes, no more virus, literally face to face classes. So ayun na nga, i was so happy nung nalaman ko na classmate ko sya nasa isip ko "Yes, i can finally meet her." Later that same day, I was shock and can't believe in my eyes. She's just beautiful as she was on her pics. Literal kilig na kilig ako non, pero shempre act normal. She saw me and smiled at me, she asked one of my classmate and said "Huy eto ba si Harvey?" after non, wala na, dumating na si ma'am, di ko man lang sya nakausap.

All of the days na lumipas, mas napapalapit ako sa kanya, sobrang close na kami, we have that kind of friendship called "platonic friendship" pero honestly, nasasaktan ako.

May naging usapan kami one time, about relationship, and sobrang nadurog ung puso ko, she told me na may someone in life pala sya. Lalo lang na hindi ko nasabi ang feelings ko sa kanya.

After knowing all of that, pinilit ko ung sarili ko na baguhin ang mga nararamdaman ko. I tried liking other girls, pero it was hard. Nagkaroon ako ng ka-mu, actually dalawa na ung naging ka-mu ko, lahat yon pumalpak, and everytime na pumapalpak ako sa isang relationship ship, bumabalik parin ang feelings ko for Celine. And no, hindi ko ginamit ung mga naging ka-mu ko para lang ma heal ang sarili ko, kung hindi lang pumalpak, mamahalin ko sila ng totoo at hindi dahil para sa sarili ko. Pero now, natatakot na akong mag mahal pa ng iba, iniisip ko, what if mag work ung relationship ko sa iba, at sa kalagitnaan non ay pumasok nanaman sa isip ko si Celine? Ayokong maka sakit, at ayoko ko rin na may napapaiyak ako. I want to make a girl feel special so hindi ko hahayaan na masira lang ang isang rs dahil don.

Days, weeks, and months passed. Nanghihina na ako, hindi ko na kayang i hold pa tong mga nararamdaman ko. and kahit risky i told her na, about sa feelings ko.

"Celine, i want to tell you something. Please, kahit anong mangyari wag ka sana magagalit or mawala ung friendship natin" *malungkot kong sabi" - Harvey

"Uhm ano yon? Hindi ba awkward yang sasabihin mo? Please kahit ako ayaw kong mawala ang friendship natin" - Celine

Mixed emotions na ang naramdaman ko nun.

"I like you since the first day i saw you, back on 2020. i admire you for that long and i know, it impossible to be with you pero I can't hold this anymore, pinagooverthink lang ako neto." - Harvey

"Uhh, *sigh* okay, its all clear na. Ik na kung bakit iba ung pagtreat mo sa akin. I've been questioning my self about this narin" - Celine

"Sorry Harvey, I can't reciprocate your feelings towards me, you know naman na i have someone in life na, pero yes ofc, hindi mawawala ang friendship natin, we're still that Harvey and Celine, who laughs at eachother jokes and spend time together. I hope you understand, I don't wanna lose you as my friend." - Celine

I'm dead inside that time, pero hindi ko pinakita yon. I acted na I'm happy kasi hindi mawawala ung friendship namin, pero deep inside sobrang sakit.

After that confession, I told her the whole story, how i met her on socmed, that someone introduce her to me, how i fell in love at first sight, that she looks like Niana Guerrero. Napasok din sa usapan namin ung pag cocompare sa isang tao, dahil nga sa kinocompare ko sya kay Niana Guerrero noon. Well we all know na ung ibang papanaw ng tao about sa pag compare is masama, so that's the case for Celine soo....

"So kinocompare mo pala ako kay Niana Guerrero? Hmmp" - Celine

"Yes, pero noon yon, I compared u to Niana, kasi u both look pretty" - Harvey

"Hmmmp? anong noon? so hindi na ngayon? edi hindi na ako maganda?" - Celine

"Well, mali ka jan, alam mo ba kung bakit hindi na kinakinocompare? Noon kasi, hindi pa kita ganon kilala, pero ik na maganda ka, like sobra, pero now na nakilala na kita ng lubusan, hindi na kita kinocompare, because i can now see your own beauty inside and out. There's nothing to compare about na, because you have your own." - Harvey

"Awee thank youu" - Celine

And that confession conversation ends there. Until these days, i still admire her. Even tho its impossible. What can i do ba? My heart, brain, and everything says na sya parin talaga. Sometimes, iniisip ko na sana mawala na lang to, kasi ang hirap at sobrang sakit. Pero as the day pass, lagi ko nalang na iniisip na "As long as she's happy, I'm happy." All that i can say is "I fell in love with an impossiblility."

Laufey said on one of her songs - "One day, i will stop falling in love with you. Someday someone will like me like i like you" but for me, when is that one day? that someday? and that someone.