I love you, but you're not mine.

Spiral

Spiraling feels similar to how people depict a walking corpse in stories. Aware but with no control. Filled with emotions yet emotionless and cruel.

I could love you with the entirety of my heart and soul, seem so infatuated until that one minuscule thing causes anything stable to collapse. Suddenly I barely talk to you, barely respond to you, barely look you in your tearful eyes. I want to. Then I act as if I hate you.

I rip your heart out when I want to caress it and keep it warm. I lash out when I want to whisper the sweetest words. I get angry when I want to cry and be held. I push everyone away when I want to feel surrounded by friends.

I feel absolutely miserable, yet I'll act as if I'm angry at everyone and everything. I'll be acting off yet the moment someone offers me a chance to talk, I say anything but the truth. I want to. But I am not in control.

I don't want to hurt the people around me.

I don't want to be this way.

I don't want to be angry.

I don't want to spiral.

I don't want to.

I can't help it, I'm not in control.

Brush it off. Make a big deal out of it.

Be calm. Panic.

Don't be angry. Be so angry they cry.

Don't cry. Cry until you can't even think.

I'm tired. Get up.

I deserve better. No you don't, suck it up.

Leave the knife. Pick it up.

I love them. You hate them, act like it.

I want to be held. Remember when they hurt you?

I forgive you. Remember sobbing on the floor?

I trust you. Push them away, they'll betray you.

I want to sleep. Stay awake.

I should do my homework. Why? You won't live to see it pay off.

I want to write. No one appreciates your passion, don't.

They like me. They're using you.

They don't mean it. They want you dead.

Why am I like this? I don't know.

Why are you like this? I don't know.

I don't like this. They don't like you.

I don't want to hurt them. They hate you.

I don't want to be alone. You only need yourself.

I love them. You're unlovable.

I want to live. Die.

I'm tired. Sleep.

For how long? Don't wake up.

Okay.