In sync

To lose a healer

I warned him,
But now it is too late.
And although I watch from a distance
I can't help but wonder,
How does it feel to lose a healer?

Did he not know,
to lose a healer is to lose light?
A constant flame
withering away your cracks,
igniting the pit of your soul.
hiding the depth of its darkness.

To lose a healer is to lose love,
And to lose love is to lose God
because what is God but not love,
What is God but not a healer.
And who are you without me, or without God.

I wonder what does he do
when the childhood wounds hidden behind his sleeves slowly drip into puddle of blood,
because, he was not yet ready for it to be dressed.

I wonder,
When he looks in the mirror
What does he see?
Does my aura still radiate around him,
Creating a mirage of sweet validation.
Or does he see himself-
I mean truly,  see himself
Does he see the little boy,
Starved for a glimpse of intimacy that does not derive from sex,
The suppressed voice echoing through the depth of his soul,
Waiting to be acknowledged.

Did he not see the teenager,
Riddled with insecurity but forced to project pride
To appear confident
To appear manly.

Did he not see his reflection of sadness
Of loneliness.

Did he not see that he could drag me to my demise
And I'd be happy that he was holding my hand.
That he was dragging me to my demise.

Or the way I looked at him.
With all of his quirks and secrets.
Awkward analogies and advances.
I wonder,
I hope.

That even when we are apart there's a part of him
deep down,
that could see how overwhelmed I was.
It's draining,
Only a fool wastes water in a desert.

I wonder,
Was it worth it?
Him seeing who he is without a healer
Without light
Without God
Without me.
If my light was too blinding.

If he ever believed he deserved it.
What he actually did to deserve it?

I wonder,
Because there are some things,
I was afraid to ask.
Because my anxiety had already pondered
Like whether he saw me as an anecdote in his story,
If my complexities were too much to become a recurring character .

If the thought of my name
Reaches down to that little boy,
Who's voice is echoing through the depth of his soul
Validates the teenager in him
Riddled with insecurity.
Waiting for an opportunity to experience love
To experience a light,
A constant flame, withering away his cracks.

If whether he remembers that night,
When I stood in his arms,
wrapped gently around my waist
Whether he remembers when we gazed at the river
Overlooking city lights and a bridge.

I often thought about how incredible that moment was,
We chuckled at the swans,
Unaware of their surroundings,
Floating gracefully, side by side, as they danced in courtship
On top of soft river currents.

As comedic as it was,
Those swans made me think about how universal love is,
It translates through every species.
Which has me to believe that despite my chest full of trauma,
That my light illuminates through depths within my soul.
That my love can translate through every species,
In every interaction.
My love heals,
Because it had to pick up its own shattered pieces.
My love is warmth,
It's complex,
It is shelter and a cozy blanket on a stormy day .

I have learnt,
that to wonder, keeps you trapped in your mind
Which I know I am no stranger too.
But honey
alas,
I am a grown woman
I know that I don't come in a small package
I need to be handled with care
With empathy
With intention
Some may need to tangle through webs of painful memories

However
To wonder distracts me
From being a healer
From allowing my light to shine through shattered pieces
To love.
And to be loved.