What's Wrong With Me? (Tugstoffelees) Cats the Musical

What's Wrong With Me?

All at once though, he felt all the pressure leave his body. He could tell nothing else was clinging to him, but he still couldn't unclench, everything just felt too much. The tiniest of squeaks in the junkyard rang out to him like a gong that was hit right into his skull. The moment his body knew that there was no one else there to touch him, he collapsed to the ground, curling his legs in and knocking on the lower part of his head and upper part of his neck. He couldn't notice from the panic, but he was humming aggressively and without any sense of pitch.
Mister Mistoffelees felt over ridden by this feeling of gravity reversing and lifting him up into the air. When this happened as a kid, he had his father, Bustopher Jones, come and put pressure on his mid torso. That helped Misto feel like he was real and he was able to get through things. But, that was with his father. The only other cats who have helped him were Munkustrap and Rum Tum Tu-
Just then, Misto felt like he could start to breathe again. He felt weight, he felt real. He felt connected to the Earth. The static faded from his ears just enough to hear Tugger's voice. "Deep breaths, deep breaths. They're gone, Mr.Mistoffelees. You're safe, I promise." He could hear, but he felt frozen and out of control. He wanted to breathe, he wanted to feel present to save Tugger the trouble. But, it's just like he thought, he was a burden to his family and friends because he can't handle such stupid and simple things.
This just compelled Misto to go deeper. His ears once again filled with static and this time he felt himself tremble, shaking, vibrating as if he were water boiling over in a pot. He used his paws to grab onto his ears, folding them down and just wanting to rip them off to get rid of the noise that surrounded him. But just then, he felt more weight. He felt his chest heave closer to the ground and feel more connected. He was now more aware of how fast he was hyperventilating and the static in his ears calmed down once more, mimicking calm waves to an ocean rather than a blaring tv.
Misto focused on the weight, let it guide and control his breathing. The weight had one hold on his chest, the other his stomach. Misto opened his eyes, relaxing his face just enough to see Tugger hovering over him. His hips were pressed down into his stomach while one arm pressed to his chest. The other paw was being used to brush back the fur that had been pushed the wrong way. Tugger, while not saying a word, was going back and forth from picking up his breathing speed to match Misto's, back down gradually to a deep breath. He was hoping that the feel of the breathing on his stomach would bring Misto down with him, and it did work. After a few minutes, he felt himself stop humming and all of his muscles deflate in exhaustion, unclenching and relaxing upon the dirt floor.
Tugger hovered still over Misto, trying not to make any sudden movements that could overwhelm him. He wanted to stay put as is until Misto felt safe enough to get up. That's when he noticed that Misto was matching his deep breathing, he was finally coming back to him! Misto opened his eyes and made direct eye contact with Tugger, quickly looking to the side to avoid looking directly at him. Tugger spoke in a soft tone, whispering comfortingly. "Hey, feel better now, baby?"
This time Misto broke down, but not into the oblivion of the static, but in tears. He sobbed out, crying at what Tugger asked him. He was so grateful he had such a good friend to take care of him and know exactly what he needs, but also, he was a baby. He was just a stupid baby who couldn't handle anything on his own. He always needed a chaperone. Tugger got off of him and held him close to his chest, knowing that Misto felt relaxed against him. Tugger, for the time being, just let Misto cry it out as he gave him back scratches and little cheek kisses.
Once Misto noticeably calmed his crying, Tugger took his paw and used it to caress Misto's face, holding it up for Misto to face him. "Misto, when you're ready, talk to me. Until that, know I'll be right here and we can stay here until you're ready to get up. You always have me." Tug was just far too sweet to Misto, he felt like shit and all blushy all at once. It, for once, was the good type of overwhelmed; being overwhelmed with love.
"I don't need to talk about anything, just kinda freaked out," Tugger squinted at his smaller companion. "Hun, I've known you since we were kittens. I know what it looks like when you're panicked, but crying just now is usually not a part of this whole thing. What broke you down like that?" Misto sighed, letting the heat and rising and falling of Tugger's chest be the safety net he needed to actually talk to him. "I just don't know what's wrong with me. I can't handle anything. Conversation, eye contact, getting attention. Because of this, I'm treated like a kitten, but I've been a grown cat for quite some time, but also I act like a baby so of course I'm treated like one. Especially now since I saved Old Duet at the Jellicle Ball, I thought I proved myself and finally overcame these feelings I get that just make the world too much, but it just seems like it's going to get worse. I'm sorry."
Tugger immediately shushed the small cat, shivering in his arms. "No, no sorries. I care about you." That's exactly what Tugger had said to Munkustrap just the night before. He remembers what he thought to himself about his perspective. "I care about you and you are worth so much to me. I'm sorry for undermining you, you've grown up to be an amazing cat. The way you process the world is just different, and that's okay. You are worthy of the help you need and you're worthy of love. I will always love you. And, if you want to feel more independent, we can work on ways together that make you feel safer and more in control with yourself. Some regulating tips or things you can do to help yourself."
Misto felt almost relieved that Tugger wasn't annoyed, but whatever he thought Tugger was going to feel, Misto felt towards himself. He knew it was different, he knew that he couldn't live completely like the other cats, no matter what he did. "Thanks a lot, Tug, but that doesn't mean anything. I still just don't know what's wrong with me. Why am I like this? Why can't I handle anything? Why can't I just be normal?" Tugger ruffled Misto's head. "Who's said you're not normal? Who said any of us were normal? By human standards or by cat standards? I'd say by any standards, you're you and that is your normal."
Misto took a deep breath, not fully believing Tugger, but he didn't have anything more to add since he just had the same arguments, the same thoughts and ideas, floating around his head. "Okay Tug, I'll take your word for it." Tugger picked Misto up, carrying him bridal style. "I'm sure you're exhausted. What would you want to do right now, lovely?" Lovely caught Misto by surprise even more than hun did. It amplified the safety that Tugger had him feeling. Nothing can touch him, nothing can hurt him. He can only be surrounded by this unexplainable warmth.
"Wherever you'd like to go, I'm still happy to follow." Tugger shrugged. "Good thing I want to go back home then, I wanted to from the moment I stepped out." This just made Misto chuckle as he rested his head on Tugger's chest.