𝕓𝕠𝕤𝕤 - 𝓂𝒶𝓉𝓉 𝓈𝓉𝓊𝓇𝓃𝒾𝑜𝓁𝑜

𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧. - 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝒷𝑒 𝑒𝓃𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽

everything for me results in crying. tell me bad news, crying. raise your voice at me, crying. you're mad at me, i'm crying. i'm frustrated, i'm crying. i'm fragile like a glass plate and everyone i've ever known says i'm sensitive. i have been ever since i was a kid.

i finished cooking dinner and i put my plate on the kitchen counter in front of the bar stool that sits below it. i also move my laptop there so i can actually find a therapist in my price range if that at least wants something good to happen today. i shoved forkfuls of the food into my mouth quickly as i scrolled and scrolled and scrolled. then there was a knock. my eyebrows furrow automatically and i slowly turn to face the front door. i'm wearing a hoodie and sweatpants with some stained nike socks. there's mascara all under my eyes and i just know i look like shit.

but i also have a feeling i know who's at the door.

★

"emmy, are you okay?" matt asks softly when the door opens. i feel my lips twitch like i'm about to cry as i see matt who's soaked from the rain standing outside my door. it's a long walk from the visitor's parking lot to my apartment.

i decide to be honest. he's here, i might as well not lie.

i start to shake my head before i stop myself. "come inside." i mumble as matt brushes past me to step inside my warm apartment. he takes off the jacket he has and places it on the rack next to my door as i shut it behind him.

silence fills the air and it's so quiet that my ears ring. his eyes haven't stopped looking at my face since he saw me, and i can tell he knows something is very wrong. he stays silent.

"matt..." i choke out, immediately bursting into tears. he's quick to step forward and wrap his arms around me, and i'm almost faster in wrapping my arms around him and grasping his t-shirt on his back like it's all i have left.

he's all i have left.

"i- i..." i say as i struggle to take in air.

"emmy, it's okay. take your time." he says calmly in a way that's somehow so soothing. "you don't have to tell me if you don't want to, i just came so i could..." he pauses to find the words. "comfort you. i don't know what happened, but i'm here for you." he mumbles.

i don't respond because i can't. i'm hyperventilating like a mess and i can barely breathe. i didn't expect myself to react like this when i saw him. our hug is long, and he holds me tight which is nice. i'm pretty sure i'm squeezing him too hard but it's the last thing on my mind at the moment.

after a few minutes of hugging and me trying to catch my breath, we sit down on the couches across from each other in silence.

i'm pretty sure he's out of words. he says nothing as i stare at the wilting plant on my coffee table as my phone next to it starts blowing up with notifications. it's texts from anyone and everyone i've ever talked to, and i already know what it says so i ignore it. it's all half assed sorry for your loss shit. i catch matt glance at my phone that lights up with notifications every few seconds, but he still says nothing.

"i'm really, really sorry..." he starts. his face is filled with a sudden guilty look. "i was a total dick today and although i had no idea you were struggling this much it's still not an excuse. you deserve better than that and i'm so sorry." he says. i stay silent.

i just stand up and walk to the couch he's sitting on. i sit down next to him and he opens his arms as i snuggle into him. now i feel ready to tell him.

"it's not your fault." i say softly. "it's something else." i say, feeling the dried tears on my cheeks as my expression changes.

his arms wrap around me almost like he's bracing himself to hear it.

"my... dad, h-he passed away... last night." i say, my voice breaking again. he holds me tighter and i can feel his chest rise with an inhale. 

"aw, emmy, i'm so sorry. that's terrible." he says as i look up at him. "is there anything i can do?" he asks, and he looks like he regrets it right after saying it. it's okay, it's cute.

"i don't think so... i just... i just feel so sad. not even because of this- i mean, this did make it worse but i've always been sad. i'm just lonely." i explain.

"i get that. i've had anxiety for a really long time and i never knew why i was always stressed and nervous. it didn't help that my triplet brothers have always been so fearless and outgoing, it made me feel like an outcast." he explains. i can tell he's trying to get my mind off of it. i appreciate that.

"you have triplet brothers and you never told me?" i ask, my voice cracking again.

"yeah, i do." he smiles down at me. "maybe one day you can meet them." he says. i can tell i'm blushing just by my face warming up, and matt's smirk growing wider was just confirmation of that.

"that's so cool." i smile.

"it's nice to see you smile," he says, his eyebrows and eyes softening. something about his whole demeanor is so comforting. "during covid i went into an anxiety panic episode, and i felt depressed. i know what you mean- feeling sad all the time and alone. i'm not a doctor, but you might be depressed, emmy." he explains to me softly.

"yeah," i mumble.

"there's medicines to help with that," he says. "maybe you could go to the doctor or something to see if your depressed."

"nah... it's fine. i'm not depressed to where i wanna hurt myself, isn't that what those medicines are for?" i ask, knowing he wouldn't know.

"i'm not sure, but i'm sure a doctor or at least a therapist can help you through this. i'll always be here, but sometimes i might not be enough, ya know?" he says with a disappointed looking half smirk.

"you'll always be enough, matt." i say, making his smirk turn into a big smile and blushing.

"i appreciate that. i love you, emmy. never forget that. i'm really sorry for your loss, i hope i can help you every step of the way. please tell me if you ever need anything, okay? i can help you to the best of my ability." he says. all i can do is lift up my head and kiss him. as i pull away, i notice how he looks into my eyes. it's like he has hearts in his eyes.

"i love you, matt." i say back as he leans back down to kiss me again.

★🗯️🌪️🌙🎬☁️★