The Elevated Tree

12 Anger

Limar went for some food while I kept studying the darkening sky, avidly avoiding Gals gaze when he looked in my direction.  I was ashamed for how I'd talked to him and Keina, though she deserved my frustration.  Just because Sharassi was to be hard, didn't mean it had to be dangerous.

He returned soon with several steamed Mandu in one hand and a skin of Moonberry Juice.  We found a quieter space outside the trail "circle" and ate, sitting cross legged facing each other.

The evening cicadas began their incessant chorus as we chewed in silence.  I didn't think I could verbalize my torrent of emotion, and didn't encourage conversation.

His gaze was distant when he finally spoke.  "Do you remember....when we were younger...and all we wanted to do was get into Second Tier?  They seemed so old, so...mature.  They knew more history than us, could do the ropes course, were sent on errands...        Not that we're their age, all I find myself wishing for is to go back to those times, when homework was easy, life was simpler, pain was....      non-existent."

I let him monologue since he only asked one question at the beginning and this all seemed rhetorical.

"The three of us," - he gestured wide, taking in me and the hut Kendra was in - "barely knew each other.  My mom was still here. I hadn't even earned my first sashbag.  I still kept my Young knife around my neck like all the other boys."  He chuckled at himself, and I finally looked directly at him.

He was rambling now, and we both knew it. "I'm worried about her, too," I confided.

"I didn't say that."

"Yes you did," I countered, giving him a smile my heart didn't feel.

The Mandu went down badly, even with the juice chaser, so I stood and started pacing a short track back and forth between Limar and the woods. The healer came back with an assistant, evidently to check up on Kendra.  Their voices drifted out of the cottage on the warm evening breeze until they just became droning background noise. 

I hugged my chest, resting my hands on my elbows as I paced, trying to at least make myself feel like I wasn't going to fall apart.  Like I sought Ilthalaine after killing the cubs, all I wanted this very moment was to see my newly-arrived mother and take solace in her presence.  Whenever my parents were around, nothing bad seemed to happen.

Just then, Gil, who had been leaning on the doorpost by the entryway, turned and headed straight for me.  I uncrossed my arms and faced him head on.

"The healer says you need to come right away," he said, with a totally blank expression.

A knot formed in my throat and I vaulted over to the hut without responding. I could hear Limar on my heels as the interior came into view.  Both druids were kneeling by Kendra until I came in.  The Master stood up and I got my first glimpse of her.  Kendra's hair was soaked in sweat, and she was as pale as pearl.

 The man started talking and my gaze shot back up to him. "...hasn't seemed to change anything.  Her short rallying period is over and her body is now fully succumbing to the venom."

I only heard chunks of his words.  Hasn't changed.  Body's succumbing.

I sank to my knees as the female got out of our way.  Kendra was again curled up, slightly shaking.  Her eyes were closed, and I could see the imprint of her iris's rolling around under her lids. 

Her father slipped back in behind us and took up a post by her head, stroking her damp hair.

I once again took a hand, mostly cause I didn't want her shaking, but it revived her enough to change her breathing.  When I squeezed, she opened one eye a sliver and looked around. She whispered "Ada..." before a coughing spell cut her off.  The disruption made me realize how labored her breathing really was - it had acquired a raspiness to it.  My eyes lowered to her abdomen and side, where - I hadn't noticed before - some blood and sweat was staining the sheet covering her. Without even thinking, I lifted it enough to see a large bruise gracing her left hip/back area with a large hole right in the center.  I let it fall immediately, if only to get it out of my sight.  I glanced at her dad, who I could tell from the look he gave me, had already seen the extent of her wounds.

Kendra's eyes reopened, focusing on me this time.  

"Mer....a," she breathed.  I smiled, already crying, but trying to look hopeful for my love. "Don't cry, friend, I'm not dying in vain."

I wanted to scream - of course she was dying in vain - all death was purposeless.  Instead, I whispered "Shhhhh, save your strength.  You need to get better."

She gave the most infinitesimal of shakes, though winced at the movement. "Don't lie.  I'm dying.  But it's ok - I defended the glen, and now everyone's safe."

With this declaration, my self-discipline broke down fully.  "It didn't have to be you, it shouldn't be you."  My voice cracked at the end and I felt Limar grip my right shoulder tightly.

"I was me - 'sfine now..." her words slurred and one eye closed.  The other shifted to Limar.  "Take care...."  Her iris rolled back and she whispered "Ada..." before unclenching my hand and relaxing her body.  It wasn't until this I realized how tense she had been. Her father leaned in, kissed her forehead, and closed her last eye with his hand.

I wanted to smack it away, this hand that was stopping her ability to see.  But who was I kidding?  She couldn't see anymore with eyes shut or open.  I felt all the emotions from the day accumulate in one place: my throat, and it threatened to gag me.  I didn't want to be in the same room as this...body that didn't have my friend in it anymore.  I stood suddenly, Limar reaching out again to steady me. I brushed off his reach and backed out of the hut, not really seeing anything.  I needed to get my frustration out, my sorrow.  Maybe if I could just....exhale I could get rid of the pain.  I needed to....I needed to scream.

 I took off again towards the lodge, as far away from people as I could get.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, to see another....live thing again.  Kendra was....gone.  She wasn't just missing or unavailable.  She was no more.

My thoughts emptied as my mind focused on inconsequential details: my ponytail flinging back and forth, the leftover taste of Mandu on my tongue. The colors, even in the twilight, of things seemed too vivid.  Nature should not be ok, it should be grieving, shriveling up inside like I was. 

I passed the lodge and soon found myself in a field near the saber dens.  My speed walking had activated my adrenaline but hadnt gotten nearly enough out.  I screamed in anger at the world to punish it for killing Kendra.  It wasn't enough, so I screamed again, with clenched fists and raised head.  But I couldn't keep standing: Teldrassil did not deserve to have me respond to this well - I was justified in my anger.  I yelled as loud as the lump in my throat would allow while I sank to my knees.

Devoid of energy, my grief took whatever air I could give it: wailing to a weak keening. I rocked myself to familiarize my feelings away.  It didn't work.  My friend.... my friend was dead.

It was them.  The ones who took her from me. This Sharassi ordeal was much too serious, much too....early.  We were not prepared for what it required.