Still U

SIMULA

Simula

Maybe loving someone is not really for me. I give too much and have nothing left for myself. Siguro ito lang ang kahinaan ko sa buhay, which is, of course, love. Sounds corny, but I think that's the only thing that I don't really understand.

But one question pops into my mind every time I see a couple.

Can I still fall in love again?

"What's your favorite color?"

"Are you an animal lover?"

"Interested in some bands?"

Different guys, but they have the same questions. I guess I don't have that much interest in knowing someone more. It's exhausting to even think that I have to meet someone, meet their expectations, and have a good image.

Why can't I just be by myself?

"What?! Ugh, what's wrong with you, Winter? It's been years and you're still single!" Sigaw ng kaibigan ko. I didn't answer her.

"It's not required to fall in love or be in a relationship. I don't see the issue, Abi."

Biglang tumahimik sa loob ng shop. Tanging mga ingay lang ng mga sasakyan sa labas ang maririnig. I know she's looking at me, maybe thinking hard about why I am not interested.

Habang inaayos ko ang mga bulaklak, bigla siyang umupo.

"Aminin mo nga, siya pa din ba gusto mo?"

And with that question, my hand stopped working.

"Are you serious? It's been like 5 years already. Hindi ka pa din nakaka-move on?"

I don't know. I guess I didn't ask myself about my feelings towards him.

"Hindi naman ganoon kadali," I softly said.

I heard her sigh. Wala na siguro masabi sa akin. Muli kong inayos ang mga dapat ayusin hanggang sa habang nag-aayos, naiisip ko ang mga nangyari noon.

It was a 4-month relationship, but it was special.

"Paano kung bumalik siya?"

Paano nga ba? Matagal ko inisip na kung paano nga kung bumalik siya? But there's always a possibility that he wouldn't. Why? Kasi alam kong naka-set na ang priorities niya. He knows what he wants and he knows there's no time for failure. Alam ko na sa simula pa lang, I am excluded in his plan for his life. I am not the top priority; I'm at the bottom of his list.

I lightly chuckled "I don't know, Abi. I am happy with my life and so is he. Huwag na natin isipin iyong mga taong hindi naman natin nakikita, we have to enjoy life."

She scoffed "But what if nga? Like, what if bigla siyang pumasok dito sa shop mo?"

And I think her words are a curse.

Tall and dark hair, wearing a navy blue polo shirt. He had this eyeglass that complements his eyes.

It's lovely.

Napaatras ako sa kinatatayuan ko at handa na sana umalis. Until he saw me. He looked straight into my eyes and started to walk towards me. Nanatili akong nakatayo at hindi malaman kung ano ba talaga ang dapat gawin. Napabuntong-hininga nalang ako nang malapit na siya sa akin. I hid my frustrations and just smiled.

"Nice to see you again, Fellipp,"

"You still look good, Winter,"