a change of plans

"Jen are you nearly ready"

"Yep, just two more minutes"

Emily knew her girlfriend was ready, she had been for hours, she always did that when she was really nervous or really didn't want to go where they were going. This time it was both.

They were going for lunch with JJs mother, they had never been close. After Roslyn, JJ was looked on like 'the one that was left' as opposed to an actual child that needed help, love support and space to grief.

But that was all she got, space, isolation, and the pressure to grow up way, way too quickly. Once she was eleven, she was pretty much on her own, she took care of herself, solved her own problems, never let herself get help. Most of all though, after Roz, JJ was never a child again, and eleven years just isn't enough. Thats why she had started to regress, at first it was something she and Emily had only planned on trying for a few months, just to see if it would work for them. but after Emily saw JJ like that, her little girl, she just knew. JJ needed this, she needed this, she had seen JJ light up in ways she never had before, her soft giggles seemed to lift all the weight of the world off of her shoulders and in turn, Emily's.

Thats was nearly three years ago now and it was one of the best decisions of their lives. But days like this were still hard, no one knew about JJ being a little and she was pretty sure she was going to keep it that way.

but here she was, sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at herself in the mirror. The woman staring back was barely recognizable to JJ. Her face felt different, her hair a slightly different color maybe? She couldn't place it, but something wasn't right. The feeling was thick, heavy, paralyzing, she couldn't move, couldn't breathe. The voice in the back of her head tried to gently remind her, this was a panic attack, dissociation, it has happened before, you know what to do. But she didn't, she didn't know what to do and it was scaring her, the only thing she could think of holding onto in her mind was Emily.

"Emily" her voice came out cracked, in a whisper, she had meant to yell, she felt betrayed by her voice right when she had needed it most. She swallowed, wetting her dry throat and tried again.

"Emily"

"EMILY"

Emily had been tying her shoes, about to go check on JJ when she heard the call, she dropped her bag and ran to their room. She saw JJ, watching herself in the reflection of the mirror, she looked pale, and her pupils were overly dilated, she was hardly blinking at all. Her long nails were digging into her arm and about to draw blood.

Emily went and crouched in front of her girl, she carefully pulled her hand away from her arm, touching her gently.

"JJ, hey love can you hear me, come on love can you look at me?"

She coaxed gently, JJs eyes fluttered, moving down shakily to meet her girlfriends.

"There you are" whispered Emily, smiling warmly at the girl.

"can't breathe" muttered the blond, Emily started to exaggerate her breathing, getting JJ to follow her.

"Are you alright? Feeling a bit better?"

"Y-yeah, i umm i- i think so"

"Good job Jay, I'm really proud of you, do you want to come and get a drink of water with me?"

JJ nodded, stumbling as she stood up, Emily held onto her shoulders to keep her steady and they walked slowly to the kitchen. Emily got the girl a glass of ice water to hopefully ground her a little more and pulled out her phone.

"we're gonna be late" stuttered a dazed JJ before Emily could make her intended phone call.

"Do you want to go?"

"doesn't matter, were gonna be late"

"JJ slow down, it does matter, you just had a hard episode, you need to recover, and you are not even fully here yet, if you still want to go for lunch with your mother then i will drive you and help you make conversation. But if you don't want to go, then your allowed to say that and I'll call her right now and say that we just got called in on a case"

"b-but Em, she's gonna be so mad"

JJ was crying and Emily could sense that she might be slipping. She made a quick, falsely apologetic call to JJs mother and went to hug her girl.

She pulled her into her chest and rocked her slowly back and forth in the kitchen, slow dancing to imaginary music.

When JJs grip loosed from around her neck, Emily knew she was probably close to falling asleep. She picked her up gently and carried her to bed. Making sure to cover the mirror on her way out, in case at had been the trigger for her dissociation, turning on a night light, and tucking Ellie in next to the girl before she left the room quietly.

Two hours later, Emily heard a small call for

"Mama?"

And, smiling, went to the now awake JJ. The girl looked happy, holding Ellie, the elephant, to her chest and looked utterly adorable all snuggled up in her blankets. But when Emily came and sat next to her on the bed, her smile dropped, she looked scared, ashamed maybe Emily thought.

"I-I sowwy" said an obviously very little JJ

"Why?!" asked a smiling Emily, trying to lighten the mood a little, the girl was clearly very distressed.

"i -s-sowwy cos i d-disappointed my m-mother" she muttered, sniffling

"Oh, love bug, you didn't disappoint anyone, you did the right thing for you and that's all that matters, we can have lunch another day"

"b-b-but doesn't matter what right f-for me, i not matter, I-I let p-people down"

Emily could almost feel her heart shattering in her chest, realizing her baby truly didn't think she was of any importance in her own life. Realizing that no one had ever taught her how to look after herself, she had known that of course to an extent but she hadn't known that it ran this deep, that JJs saw her only importance in life in her relation to others. The thought was enough to make her cry.

But she didn't, not right now, right now was about her baby. She sunk down next to her, JJ snugging in close, and whispered all the things that were amazing about the little girl in her arms, for hours she whispered what she thought of JJ and what she should think of herself into her ear, she knew that JJ would understand some of it in her state, she knew that it wouldn't magically fix anything over night, but she wasn't trying to, she was trying to plant a seed. A seed that she hoped one day would grow into JJ trusting herself, knowing herself, caring for herself, being able to love herself and putting herself first. But she hoped that JJ knew that even if none of that ever happened, she would always be there to help her, whether it be narrowing down a profile of ting her shoelaces,

she was going to be there.