taste of desire - woosan

2. bad to worse

an exhausted san unlocked his apartment door and dragged himself inside. it was completely dark except for the glaring glow of the tv. his roommate, seonghwa, was sitting on the couch, engrossed in the show he was watching.

"hey" seonghwa said, his eyes still on the tv. "you came late".

san grumbled and plopped on the couch, laying his head on seonghwa's lap.

seonghwa, out of habit, caressed san's hair. "how was your date?" he asked. san sniffed, "great until we fought in front of everyone".

"what?" seonghwa grabbed the remote and paused the show. "what happened?". san sat up and pouted. "she's still mad at me from last weekend so we started arguing, then she was yelling, and then she just walked out". san said, summarizing the events all in one breath.

seonghwa looked at san bewildered.

"she also keeps bugging me about proposing" san mentioned as he leaned back on the couch.

they were quiet for a moment until seonghwa spoke.

"do you want to marry her?" san crinkled his eyebrows and pursed his lips out as he thought. did he? there were times when he thought about marriage, but he usually brushed those thoughts off since he was young. he still felt young, being 25, he didn't see marriage as a priority at this point.

"i mean, i love jiyeon, but i just don't think i'm ready" he finally said. "i can't just propose to her if i don't mean it".

"then why are you still with her?" seonghwa asked. "don't you think you're being unfair? you're with her but you don't want to marry her, aren't you just stringing her along then?"

"i never said i don't want to marry her" san replied, "i'm just not ready right now". he squinted and seonghwa and smacked his head, "you're supposed to be on my side, traitor".

"ah!" seonghwa screeched, rubbing his head and glaring at san. "i'm just being honest. if i was jiyeon, i would've dumped your ass a long time ago".

seonghwa resumed the tv and san was left in thought. was he being unfair? he thought him and jiyeon had an understanding that they'd get married when they were both ready. it wasn't his fault she was ready and he wasn't. he sighed and grabbed his phone. he had sent jiyeon a text asking if she made it home since he couldn't find her. she still hadn't responded.

"i'm gonna take a shower". he told seonghwa before getting up. seonghwa glanced at him for a second and nodded.

after his shower, san went to his room and opened his phone. still no response from jiyeon. he started to feel a little worried and opened up jiyeon's contact. "should i call her?" san asked himself before deciding to press the call button. the phone rang a few times and just as he thought he was going to be sent to voicemail, the call was answered.

"what?" jiyeon's annoyed voice was heard through the phone and san sighed a breath of relief, knowing that she was at least safe.

"i'm sorry" san sheepishly muttered. jiyeon was silent for a while before she let out a sigh.

"i'm sorry too. i shouldn't have fought with you" she finally said. "but san, i'm just frustrated".

san nodded. "i know. i know it's unfair but i really am trying my best".

"do you know that my friends keep telling me to break up with you?". jiyeon asked and san froze.

"i don't listen to them because i love you" jiyeon continued, "but i'm starting to think they're right. i can't keep begging you to spend time with me, that's not how relationships work".

san fiddled with the hem of his shirt, "i have other commitments, i can't just drop them to hang out with you" he argued.

"i'm not asking you to hang out with me, but fuck, you can't even answer the phone. whenever you call, i answer. whenever, you want to go out, even if i have plans, i drop them for you. is it too much for me to ask for the same?" there was a quiver in her voice and san started to feel guilty. he was so focused with his work that he didn't even consider how much he was neglecting jiyeon.

"you're right" san breathed out. "i didn't notice".

"and about the marriage thing" jiyeon continued, "i'm not trying to force you to marry me, i would never do that. i just feel like we've been together for a long time, so why wait?"

"jiyeon, i'm not ready" san calmly said, "i told you that before and we're having problems now, do you really think getting married is going to magically solve our problems?".

"of course not but i'd at least feel better knowing that you're committed to me". san closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to remain calm.

"we've been together for four years, do you really think i'm not committed to you?" san muttered, feeling hurt.

"truthfully, san, i feel like i've been in a one-sided relationship for months" san felt his heart drop into his stomach at jiyeon's confession. "i love you but i think we need a break. we both need some time to think about what we really want".

"i want you, jiyeon" san breathed out, "i really do".

a sniffle was heard from the other line and san was sure jiyeon was a crying mess.

"i love you, san but i just don't believe that right now". before san had a chance to plead with her, jiyeon hung up the call.

san stared at his phone in shock. his mind was racing. this was not supposed to happen. he was supposed to fix their relationship, not destory it. he sat on the floor unsure of what to do. unknowingly, tears started to fall down. he really fucked up big time.

seonghwa, who was listening from outside the door walked in the room and wrapped his arms around san, which made san cry harder. "you were right" he croaked out.

"she just needs space" seonghwa whispered in a gentle tone while rubbing san's back. "just give it some time".

san pulled away from seonghwa and looked up at him with his teary eyes, "what am i supposed to do? i was trying to fix things and i just made it worse"

seonghwa looked at san, his eyes full of pity, "the only thing you can do right now is listen to her. i'm sure things will get better".

san sat quiet for a moment. seonghwa was right and san was now more determined than ever to fix his relationship with jiyeon. he had to.