coming undone! | gayeon

chapter 19

Nothing was more irritating than the false hope of feeling better, it was just as if climbing a mountain but when you are almost up there, on the top, you suddenly trip over and you are in the depths again... staring up, regretting everything, seeing something you could've been at by then, and realising you have to make your way to the top again—this time even more exhausted... Nothing was worse.

"I want you to seek help," Jooyeon stammered, eventually looking into his eyes. Jiseok's brows furrowed more automatically than planned, and Jooyeon sighed. "You are strong, but what would make you even stronger would be doing something to help yourself."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I thought about you going to the psychologist," he explained, shifting his gaze down at his trembling hands. "And even if you don't want to... I'll make you. I can't keep staring at you suffering like that."

Jiseok looked down at the open pack of cigarettes lying on the floor and felt the boy's eyes also wander to that place. He squeezed him harder. He didn't touch any of them; they were spilled on the tiles as if he was fighting hard in order not to light one. A loud sob escaped his lips, and he found himself automatically hiding in Jooyeon's chest as if trying to get away from his little old friends.

He needed help, and he was fully aware of this fact. He was too afraid to ask for it, thinking it was bad to do so, thinking he was wrong for the way he felt. But Jooyeon, he made him feel like it was alright or even—the only correct thing.

He felt loved, good and special.

"I want to help you," Jooyeon murmured, his hand caressing Jiseok's back. His voice sounded so warm and pleasant, Jiseok wondered if it had always been like this. "Will you go there?"

Jiseok had no other choice but to obey; he nodded his head in agreement. Maybe doing it would be the right choice. After all, if he didn't like it, he would be able to resign. He felt something appearing in his body, etching on its whole surface as he uttered a quiet: yes.

The boy pressed his lips on top of his head, and they cuddled like that for a while. Jiseok was thinking the whole time. His mind was occupied with not the concerns relating to visiting a psychologist but the little hint of conviction that he knew why Jooyeon came up with such an idea.

That was what he meant when he said that he felt responsible for him.

Before long, he had made an appointment and was sitting in a chair in front of a slender woman slightly older than his mother. The visit was long, and he promised himself to be as honest as it was possible. He promised to do it for Jooyeon. There were a lot of questions, and he wondered deep down what they were for, because some of them didn't sound like they would help the psychologist analyse him, but he was patient and answered all of them.

After exiting the room, he saw Jooyeon suddenly straighten up and look at him with a broad smile on his face. It made him melt inside. They both tried their best to contain their emotions because there were people around them and it felt out of place to suddenly start yelling at each other with enthusiasm because that was what they wanted to do at that moment.

Jiseok felt relieved, Jooyeon was proud and, first of all, wanted to know what happened and how Jiseok enjoyed the visit.

He, surprisingly, admitted to feeling refreshed; the woman was nice, treated him kindly, and he felt welcomed. He was said to meet her once a week for now. After some time, the frequency would be reduced or increased—depending on his progress.

He was stressed over the first encounter, but it wasn't scary at all. All his scares disappeared the moment the psychologist smiled at him and acted as if she were talking with a normal person, not with some animal who can't fucking live like a regular Earth resident.