Comeback

~ Chapter 49 ~

I think she finally blocked me on call 88.

Last night pieces of what I had done had started to come back to me. I remembered coming home from babysitting, sad and in my head, and wanting to grab a bottle and drink away. It was sort of dark out, but I took a walk around the neighborhood to keep myself in check.

I walked for 2 hours.

2 hours and the feeling wouldn't go away. My only working coping mechanism wasn't working and I didn't know what to do. So instead, I dug around Jeff's house hoping to find a hidden stash somewhere. I was unlucky, and I should've known better that he wouldn't have any laying around in the same house as me. My search didn't stop though, and I drove to the nearest drug store to purchase what I needed.

I drank, a lot. I downed the bottles like it was nothing, like I didn't quit drinking for almost a year. The euphoria of drunkiness coursed through my body and I felt like I was on cloud 9 when I felt my feelings starting to fade away.

It wasn't long before Theo's unintentional words didn't hurt me anymore.

I don't know what time I fell in the bathroom and hit my head, but Jeff told me how bad the sight was when he arrived home early yesterday morning and saw what he saw.

My body was aching, but I didn't even care about the physical pain I was feeling right now. Knowing how badly I fucked up for my son and my sobriety hurt a thousand times more than anything else. I don't know how I would continue to live with myself if this mistake really ruins all the progress that I had made with Theo and Lennon.

I felt like Theo was finally starting to accept the fact that I was around, and that Lennon was on the path to trusting me again and wanting me in their life. All for it to come crashing back down because I got upset over something that I shouldn't have.

It just felt like the world stopped when I heard the word come out of Theo's mouth. I know that Lennon warned me of Theo's relationship with her late fiancé and the title that Hudson had held in Theo's life, but hearing my son actually call someone else dad for the first time was incredibly hurtful.

The whole rest of the afternoon that I was babysitting the kids, it was on my mind. I felt like I couldn't solely focus on the kids and I was relieved when Lennon came home so I could get out of the house.

The pain in my heart from Theo's innocent sentence was immense and it led me to do the one thing that I've been working so hard on.

I put in so much work to be a better person and overcome my addiction, it was incredibly hard, and each day is still taking effort and motivation, but I truly felt confident in where I was at.

All the hard work just to come crashing down right before I officially made it 365 days sober.

I guess the weight of Lennon's dad mixed with Theo's phrase became too much for me to take, and I failed. Shortly after the night that I got punched in the face by Lennon's father, I desperately wanted to have a drink. It was a hard night overcoming my desperation, but with the help of Jeff and a walk, I was able to push through it. However, his dislike and animosity towards me was still on the back of my mind.

I was wanting to tell Lennon about it when she asked me what was wrong one day, but I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to load my problems onto her once again. She had her own things going on, and I needed to shut up and do my best to be there for her after how she defended me towards her parents.

The fact she confidently stood up to her parents regarding my character and my sobriety makes me feel even worse now that I'm lying in this godforsaken hospital bed wearing a stupid gown. Despite how much I thought I wasn't, maybe I still am that stupid and drunken 21 year old who never should have gotten a second chance.