hazel couldn't deny the gaping hole they felt in their heart. they weren't sure why but the loss they felt was heavier than anything they'd ever known. they felt dramatic, why were they grieving the man as if he was no longer there.
he was still there, a couple days after everything the two decided to "separate" not a break up but to have romantic time apart until he felt better about the situation. domimic's idea, not theirs.
it was really hard on hazel, dominic being so close but so far away. the shift in their dynamic became such a heavy weight for hazel to bare and hazel could not fathom the pain they felt missing him. his love felt like a ghost to them now, haunting them, reminding them of what was.
four months later and everything had changed, he didn't hug them or hold them. they never kissed. he rarely told them he loved them or he missed them. they yearned for his love, it killed them.
even now as they sat on the edge of his bed and watched him from cross them room, leaning against the door. he looked annoyed that they were here again. talking, he wasn't a big fan of expressing how he felt or what he thought. hazel on the other hand needed to, always. the reassurance put their mind at ease and that was something only he could give them.
so it was difficult. they wanted to be honest, hazel felt like telling dom how he felt was the only thing to do. "i just, i don't feel like you love me anymore and it's really hard." hazel confessed sniffling, their voice cracked as they spoke and dominic palmed his face.
he was overwhelmed with frustration and groaned slightly as he stood up straight and looked directly at hazel who had tears forming in their eyes. he hated when they cried, especially because of him but he had to be speak his truth. "that's bullshit" he said and hazels body tensed as they cut him off "no it's not. it's not bullshit. i'm really hurting. you're really hurting me, dom" they continued and the man sighed
"it's like, nothing i do or say is good enough for you. like i'm wasting my time." dominic said and hazels heart sank as he did so. often hazel felt like the love they had with dominic was masochist, borderline like self harm. hazel didn't feel like he loved them anymore and still they felt like they were constantly being vulnerable with him. begging for him to see them and love them for who they were, all of them. no matter what they did though, he just couldn't.
they sacrificed their mental and emotional health to have his approval, his validation. they didn't understand why. what made him worth the risk. "wasting your time?" they scoffed and dominic shook his head no. "thats not what i mean you, you know what i mean. i'm just saying. everyone in the world knows how i feel about you. everyone but you. if everyone else can see it and you can't, what is all of this really for" dominic explained and hazel couldn't ignore the burning in their throat as they tried to speak.
talking about this was even putting a strain on their body, they felt so weak. "it's not about anyone else, it's about you and me. i deserve to know how you feel about me. you don't say it, you don't show it. how am i suppose to know ?" they questioned and dominic countered with "why would i be here right now if i didn't." he questioned and hazel sighed
this is when they felt irrational and guilty for questioning him but they knew deep down they were valid. "i can't feel you anymore. it's really hard to feel like i'm loved by you when i can't feel you" they replied and dom scoffed as he paced slowly back and forth around the room, hazel followed him with their eyes as he did so.
"you're doing this to yourself, you know exactly how i feel about you. i've been up front with you this whole time. you're hurting yourself" dominic responded and tears fell down their face as he did so. he didn't understand, he couldn't. maybe they were asking for too much, maybe he was right. "if you want to go, go but remember you choose to be here" he continued and hazel flipped, they felt so upset that they couldn't contain how they felt. it was maddening.
"no ! i choose you, all i am asking is for you to choose me back." they shouted back and instantly felt ashamed. every time they raised their voice they felt like a shadow of themselves, like they were someone else entirely. they hated when their emotions overrode their actions. hazel was in so much pain, they couldn't hide it.
hazel wondered why they couldn't just let him go. in previous relationships, hazel was never to hold on once things were getting to be too painful. hazel mourned relationships briefly, then moved on. it was never too difficult, yes they felt sadness but things never felt like this. hazel looked at him closely and in that moment knew.
"you know where i'm at with you hazel." was all he said and hazel felt defeated. hazel told themselves that dominic did love them. he loved them in the only way he knew how. it wasn't their fault they couldn't receive his love nor was it his fault. hazel told themselves that eventually, everything between them would be as it should be. he wasn't trying to hurt them, he was just as lost as they were. it brought them comfort.
they needed it, as the doubts creeped in. secretly hazel worried if dominic was aware of who he was to them. how much they loved him, how much they felt like they didn't exist without them. they feared he didn't truly love them anymore. that he wanted to cause them the pain he felt. the weight of these thoughts rested on their heart in moments like these as they stood in his face and begged for the man they loved to just love them back. in the ways they needed.
they tried to push thoughts like these down though they haunted him, even now as the two sat on the floor of his bedroom, lonestar state of mind playing on the television. things between were slightly tense as they usually were after big arguments.
