Leave The City (Book 8 of Adopted by the Josephs)

50. Samantha

Dr. Angela smirked. She knew the story about the missed curfew.

"So, I didn't see her in the back, and went into the house. I didn't see her inside, and wasn't about to go upstairs. Just in case. So I was going to go out front to see if she was there, or try to text her. But when I got to the front of the house, I heard shouting."

"Who was shouting?"

"Brandi was shouting at Asthton. He'd had the nerve to show up at Dylan's knowing Brandi would be there, and try to get her back. She was... not happy to see him. She screamed at me to get into the car and I didn't take the time to think about it. Then she pulled away so fast I almost didn't get my seatbelt done up. I got scared by how she was driving."

I started sobbing, my breath hitching as I tried to relate the last moments of Brandi's life.

"I called 911, hoping they could find us. They told me to put on the hazard lights. I don't know if Brandi was really paying attention to anything.

Then we hit the truck."

I pulled my pillow over my face and wailed. I hadn't had the chance to really process and mourn Brandi, and remembering everything just made the loss that much harder to bear. I couldn't stop the tears. My heart felt like it was shattering over and over again. Brandi was gone. Brandi was gone and I'd survived. Brandi was my best friend here. We'd gotten so close over the first couple of months at school. She had welcomed me into her group of friends like a long lost friend. And now she was gone. And it was stupid and senseless and so unfair.

I felt a hand on my back but I couldn't stop sobbing.

"Samantha, I'm not asking you to stop crying, but I want to make sure you can hear me," Dr. Angela was saying. I nodded.

"Okay, good," she said. "I can't imagine how having all that information, all those memories come rushing back all at once must have felt. That you do remember with such detail is impressive, but I know that's not what you want to hear."

"She's gone!" I wailed. "She's gone and it's so stupid!"

"What's stupid?" Dr. Angela asked.

"That she died. That she died over a boy!"

"I see. Yes. It does seem stupid," Dr. Angela said. "I want you to think about something, okay? You said Brandi had been drinking and smoking? Now, I'm not placing blame on her. While that was irresponsible, we're not going there. Brandi was clearly upset about Ashton. But would she have behaved differently had she and Ashton not been fighting? Probably. What happened was a tragic accident. Brandi was clearly distraught and upset. I don't know about her relationship with Ashton or how many breakups she's had, but they are always hard. And at the age of 17 or 18, they aren't any easier. Coupled with the fact that your brains are all still developing, how someone reacts varies.

Brandi didn't die over a boy. Brandi didn't die because she was drunk or high, even if she was. Brandi died because she, and you, were in a terrible accident. It might make you feel better to blame Ashton for upsetting her, but at the end of the day, Brandi and you were in a car accident."

"But she died. And I didn't," I sobbed.

"Yes. That's very true. You were extraordinarily lucky."

"I don't feel so lucky," I mumbled.

"I'm sure not," Dr. Angela said.

"I missed her funeral. I never got to say goodbye," I said.

"You don't need to go to a funeral to say goodbye. You can say goodbye in your own way, in your own time, from wherever you want. Funerals aren't for the person who died. They're for the people left behind. But you don't need a formal ceremony to say goodbye. 

Grief, as I'm sure you know, isn't linear. You have suffered a lot of hard losses for someone so young. And it has to feel overwhelming at times. We all carry our grief differently. But no one can tell you how to grieve, for how long to grieve, or how hard to grieve. You determine that. However, if you get to the point where all you're doing is grieving, therein lies an issue that needs addressing. Are you anywhere like that?"

I thought for a second. Is all that I'm doing grieving?  No. I just remembered about the accident. But I've known Brandi was gone since I woke up. Did I just not process it, or was it remembering everything at once that made me realize I never processed her death?  I pulled my pillow away from my face and looked at Dr. Angela.

"I haven't had a chance to really process it. I mean, I've known for, like, two months that Brandi died.  But I think it was remembering everything all at once that made me realize I haven't processed what that means. Because it was removed from me. I didn't remember the accident, so I couldn't relate Brandi being gone to it."

Dr. Angela smiled down at me.

"When David told me you were wise beyond your years, but sometimes try to be wise within your years, and that you would bowl me over with your intellect and reasoning, I thought he was exaggerating. But, he was right. You truly are remarkable."

I felt my cheeks grow warm.

"So, I know about what happened after the shooting and about your hospitalization after. If you can remember how you were feeling then, how would you describe how you feel now compared to then?"

I thought again.

"Kind of the same as when I got really bad. But I think that's because I'm just remembering and processing," I said, my breath still hitching.

Dr. Angela nodded.

"Samantha, I still want to see you tomorrow, okay? There's still more to unpack, but you've done a lot already today and I am sure between what happened at school, and talking with me now, you have got to be exhausted. I'll leave you to have a nap and I'll see you tomorrow. I'm just going to let your guardians know how this went. You know I am sworn to confidentiality unless I am concerned for your safety or the safety of people around you. Do I need to worry about your safety?"

I looked her straight in the eye.

"No," I said. "I think I'll be okay. Not today, but I will be."

"Good," Dr. Angela smiled. "I'll just have a quick word with them to let them know you're going to be alright. Are you alright with me letting them know that what happened today was you just beginning to process what happened to Brandi? Or do you want to talk with them later?"

"You can tell them that," I said, my eyelids getting heavier.

"Alright. Sleep tight. I'll see you tomorrow," she said.

"Uh-huh," I sort of mumbled I think. Darkness enveloped me as I drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.