My Life in Shambles

Untitled Part 1

I remember being a kid, thinking about how I was going to beat the life I'd been given, I was going to make it out of my circumstances. Make something of myself. Be some worth being. Now let me just preface a few things, when I say kid I mean like 12+, and my life wasn't the in absolute shambles. I had a roof over my head and food in my belly but more then that I had a mom and a step-dad who would do anything for me and I loved beyond words. But life wasn't always easy, we struggled, I struggled more, mental health always waiting to get bad. None of that mattered to me though (the bad), because I knew in my heart of hearts I would beat it all, do better, be better, most of all be someone, someone could look up too. I am still not sure if I've done that yet. I'll be 30 in a mere months and I sit here, next to my best friend in the world, a senior dog, no job yet I own a company, a leg waiting on surgery which has put my life on pause for the better part of two years, and mental health that makes me wish I was anywhere but here, even hell. I have 3 friends, a partner and family. By all accounts, I have an amazing support system, and do not in any means get me wrong, they are. But how do you support someone who doesn't want to be supported? Who would rather lay in bed, rot away and ruin her life, then try? Because god trying is hard. I'm not the same girl who had hopes and dreams and wanted to be a role model, I'm a shell of that kid, but I do plan to get back there one day. And I guess I'm hoping writing this helps.

This book won't be all sunshine and rainbows, but it also won't be all blood and tears. I hope this will be a mix, a true retelling of how I got where I am and how I am going to get back to who I was. But I am an angry, hurt girl so there some memories may be shaded with anger, exaggerated by hurt, or if we are lucky tinted by love. There will be curses, to many details, and more then once you will wonder why? As I did, as I do. Why me? Why then? Why? Why? Why? And maybe that's really all I'm trying to figure out. Why did I let this life get to me and take away my flame. Why did I let that boy push and trust away my ability to be touched and loved. Why did I let those girls throw and curse my ability to be and have a friend. Why was my parents (mom and step-dad) love not enough? Why is the man who will open that door in 5 hours, get excited to see our dog then come and hug and kiss me, why has his love not burned away my walls, kissed away the pain, why do I not let him fully in?

This will be a story of truths. One sided truths I'll admit. It will be my memories, my feelings and my thoughts. And that fully means it may not be the fact, or how it is remembered by others. But it will be how it impacted my life. Some of the stories here are ones I have been told as I got older but that made such massive impacts on me they are now my story. This book will not always be in chronological order, but rather an order of how they occurred to me in times of talking. I am still not sure the total purpose of this book, because I am not someone famous, someone to look up to or even in a place in life that people will want to emulate. But I guess I am writing this to let people know they are not alone. Not alone in abuse, mental health struggles, physical struggles or financial struggles. They are also not alone in laughing, crying, hugging or being there for a friend. Because at the end of the day, as long as in my life I make one person happy, one person smile and one person laugh I have done my job in this world. Now I'm sure I've already done all that, confident I have, but I want to touch more people. I've always loved and desired helping people. Which is hard to do when being around people especially strangers stresses me out so bad I have panic attacks or need days of rest after, when touch makes me physically ill. The desire to help people and a diagnosis or autism at 29 years old, don't seem to do well together, but well touch on that more later. So maybe this is how I do it?

I have a upside down horse-shoe up my ass. My mom has been telling me this for as long as I can remember. Bad things happen to me, all the time. Not always life changing bad things, but bad things. Sometimes just inconveniences but they stack. BUT here's the thing, they almost always turn out better in the end, a lesson is learned, or a laugh is had or sometimes it literally just leads to a good thing. I have the worst best luck. Quick story to explain. When I was in my late teens, I had been having a day, it was winter so my depression was at an all time low? High? How does one say their depression is bad? Cause that's what it was. Earth shatteringly bad. So what does a mom do when this happens? Retail therapy and scream-singing in the car. My mom tells my grumpy ass to get in the car, I do, begrudgingly. And off we go. The songs start quiet, slowly getting louder, our mumble-sings turning into proper singing turning into scream singing. Passengers song Let Her Go comes on and now we are screaming so loud. Deafeningly loud. When the line "I only miss the sun when it rains" comes on. And my mom, my lovely, educated, airplane mechanic mom, opens the sun roof. The sun roof full of snow. Cause my mom does not brush off the roof of the car like she's suppose too. And all that snow, comes tumbling down on us. On our phones, our clothes, our hair, the seats, our shoes, I'm talking everywhere. Now I rarely, if ever, see my mom angry. Which is a nice reprieve from my bio dad who's always angry. Now even though my mom is calm and usually level-headed, I prepare myself for a shit storm. I brace against the seat, scared. When my mom, starts cackling, I mean witch laughing, not a cute laugh, she's dying laughing. And I let myself relax, into the calm that is my mother, and I too start laughing until I cry. Thankfully we were already headed to retail therapy so this just meant an excuses for new clothes for me. But a moment that could have been so bad, turned into a massive bonding moment for me and my mom. I saw her then, truly saw her. A women who also makes mistakes, but she knew, nothing was broken or ruined. She saw it as a moment to laugh with me and see me smile. And man did I ever. That women, that fiery French women who cannot even say "hair", is my favorite person on this earth, my savior, my whole world, I would do anything for her. And in that moment, sitting there covered in snow, I knew she felt the same about me. So like I said, upside down horse-shoe.