𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐑𝐍𝐒 - 𝐁. 𝐁𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐬

prologue - a great introduction

CALL me S.

I don't answer too much else, and I definitely do not answer to my actual name. Yes, there are much more 'respectable' names that you could call me as well.

These names include - but are not limited to; 'the-weird-gorgeous-hot-girl-who-says-"fuckity fuck fuck"-a-lot-', 'smalls' (which is only allowed by my father), 'SERENA ROSE' which is only shouted at me by my mother, Laura, when I've done something I shouldn't, which happens to be a majority of the time, 'literally-shut-the-hell-up-s', or my favorite, 'i-could-kill-you-if-you-don't-shut-that-pie-hole.'

However S seems classier, and makes a way more respectable beginning than how I was going to start the story.

If you were wondering - which I'm sure you were not but here you are anyway - I was going to start this story off by telling you how I had run into my gynecologist at Starbucks and she looked past me like she didn't even see me. I mean, that's a perfectly plausible explanation, or there's the fact that she could have done it so as not to make her client (aka me) more uncomfortable. That was also plausible. Or there was the reason my brain went straight to:

She just genuinely does not recognize me without my vagina right in front of her face.

Either way, it didn't matter what reason it was, it was very disconcerting seeing the woman who had literally been inside of my vagina not acknowledge my presence.

By the way, I thought I should clear this up before anyone thinks anything that is completely wrong. "Without my vagina" does not mean that I didn't have it with me when I was standing in line at Starbucks.

I just meant I wasn't ... displaying my vagina to the lovely Starbucks workers while I was standing in line waiting for my coffee which I most definitely did not need.

That was probably understood from the beginning, but still. Thought I should clear it up, seeing as this is the first chapter of my story and we don't know each other on an intimate level yet.

Not like me and my gynecologist who has seen the very most intimate parts of me, like my vagina.

So, just to clarify, I always have my vagina on me. It's like my American Express card, if you know what that is. (In that I don't leave home without it. I swear I don't buy things with my vagina, I don't have a sugar daddy... yet.)

I also don't think I could physically remove my vagina like you could remove a man's dick. It's not like it's Velcro or you could cut it off. I mean, unless you chopped a woman's entire bottom half off, although then I think that would be classified as murder.

Fun fact, and I guess also a spoiler; I do end up removing a man's dick. Like physically off of his body. But we'll get to that later, it's not important now and I swear there was a good reason for it.

I didn't just go up to a man and chop his prized possession off, although it does sound like it could be fun...

... anyways.

This book is a true story about me and well ... me. It's about my battle with a thing called life - as unfortunate as that is - an insane family, a team of disfunctional asshats that call themselves superheroes, my trainwreck of a story and well I guess my love life as well?

Spoiler alert: I do die and I do break up with Bucky ... multiple times... just not in this book (i think)! So you're safe ... for now.

So I mean you could just read this sentence and then pretend you read my entire story. Although what fun would that be for you?