Dear future self

I am so afraid to write this letter. I am afraid that I have disappointed you by holding you back.

By the time you read this, almost one year will have passed. You are 31 now, and as Christmas is approaching, please read this letter when you are alone. This is between you and me, between past and future.

I know that it's hard to find some me time because of Evie. She is only 3 years old, and she needs you all the time. I know that you don't have much time for yourself, but please make some for this letter.

You can go outside, I hope that is snowing, and you can read this letter watching the home you have created. thinking of the safe place you have maintained for Evie.

I hope you are doing great and making progress with your mental health. As you well remember this was our primary goal. We have decided that if we are emotionally stable then our problems will be solved.

If you remember, two weeks ago, you have decided to go no contact with your family. This decision was not easy. The main goal was to protect Evie, to give her a better future.

At present time it is so hard to keep my promise of not letting them back into our life. I am constantly dreaming about them, just last night I dreamed about dad.

If you do not remember what the last straw was, I will remind you now.

It was 21 December 2023 when you got a call from your brother E, who was in the psychiatric hospital. He informed you that dad was taken to the E.R. with a heart problem. You were so scared because only 3 weeks prior to this you have found out that dad had a heart condition. But how can this be? You have just spoken on the phone with mother, and she was on her way to get her nails done! Something must have happened in the last 30 minutes or so. You tried to call dad but no answer, you tried to call mother but no answer. Then you called your uncle, who lives close to them, and he answered but he said that mother was getting her nails done, and that he had spoken to her 40 minutes ago. Something must have happened in the last half hour!

Almost an hour has passed from the moment you talked with brother E, and mother finally called. Nothing has happened with dad, she only wanted to punish your brother E ,,I wanted to show him that he is killing us with his drugs abuse'' she said.

You went crazy. How can a mother be at peace doing her nails when her kids are so worried about their dad? How can she not see that she and dad are the source of E drug abuse? You believed that E was punished enough in his childhood.

3 days have passed, and you got a call from an unknown number. It was brother E. He was in the same city you lived, 200 km distance from were he and your parents live. He was lost in the city and wanted your address. This was hard. You were in the car with Evie and you were so afraid to take him. First you refuse to give him the address, but them you felt all the guilt in the world on your shoulders. You went searching for him, and you found him walking the streets.

He was so dirty and sad; it broke your heart. You discussed with mother, and she said that he had run away from the hospital 3 days ago.

Of course, he had run away from the hospital 3 days ago, because he was lied to about father being sick.

As you were standing in the street, checking his pockets, all you could think was that he is not so different from you. The only thing that separates your situation from his is that you were just a bit stronger. You have a high-functioning depression and he let his depression win. But you were on thin ice all the time. Only one mistake and you could have been in his situation, the only thing that is different is your coping mechanisms.

He has just stopped loving himself and there is nothing you could do to save him.

Theo drove you and Evie home, and he left by car with E towards the hospital, a two-hour drive. You called dad to meet with them at the entrance to the city, but he refused. He said that E it's not his problem and that we should handle this situation. Dad told you that the doctor said E was violent and he could at any moment stab someone. Like what? How can you say this just now? Theo is in the car with him for two hours. You were so worried. What if he would attack Theo? How can a parent put his kid into this dangerous situation?

O, but dad made a monumental mistake! He didn't hung up his phone and you could heard him say ,,This again with her convenience. Let's not disturb her convenience!''

And this is where it all started. The whole past has caught up with you in a second. All the trauma and all the violence that you endured in your childhood it felt so present. You looked at Evie and in that exact moment you decided that your family will not have access to you and her anymore.

It was so hard to keep a smile on your face for Evie. You had to prepare diner and to put her to sleep. You had to sing and dance and be playful, just like in any other normal evening, all this, while you felt rage, anger, grief.

Evie started then to cry for Theo and you had to calm her down by saying to her that daddy will be home soon without knowing if he was safe. You had to be a good mother, you had to keep inside all the feelings that you had in that exact moment. It was so hard, but you had practice, a lot of practice. No more! Enough was enough!

The harder part of it all was that you realized that you were alone all your childhood. The people you thought loved you, your uncles, aunts, grandparents, neighbors, they didn't care about you. They were the people you ran to when there were problems and they did nothing to save you, except make you a tea.

Well, a tea was not good enough when you ran in the middle of the night, barefoot with your baby brother in your arms trying to protect him from physical fights in the family. You were only 10 years old then! And that feeling of protection didn't go away. It will never go away!

A tea was not good enough!

Until now you have accepted the abuse from your parents, but two weeks ago you have decided to be strong, stronger than ever before. I really hope that you maintained this decision.

I hope that Theo and Evie are safe and happy. I want you to remember to communicate your fears and your hopes with Theo because these two things have kept you two together for 14 years. Also, I want you to remember that you are the best mom Evie can have, there is no question on this. Stop question it already! It is time to acknowledge that you are a good mom.

I have some wishes, as well. I wish you strength and wisdom. Life is worth living. Do not let your fears hold you back, and most importantly do no let me, past self, hold you back. You know that the past holds many traumas, but the future doesn't have to.

Please live me behind. Go in life free and happy, I am in the past, just let me go. Do not feel sorry for me, I am in the past. The past cannot touch us even if we let it. I cannot touch you; I cannot do you no harm. I endured so much so that you can enjoy the rest of your life.

As you stand outside, reading this letter, I want you to know that my present hard times are for your future peace of mind.

With Love,

Your past self!