Boys Will Be Bugs

Chapter 58: Loss

"U-uh... what?" he managed to stutter a few words out, and Remus was already regretting what he had said. He wished he could just shove the question back into his head before it had slipped out, because now that he had said it out loud, all he wanted was a sinkhole to appear right underneath him and suck him down into the ground where he never had to meet Sirius's eyes again. But he couldn't take it back now, he couldn't even play it off with a quick "nothing, don't worry" because it absolutely wasn't nothing, and Sirius definitely would worry.

"I, um... I just, wanted to... see what it felt like. That's all, I... it doesn't mean anything, I swear." Sirius blinked.

"How... how can it not mean anything?"

"Because... because... oh Christ, please forget I ever said anything." Remus tried to walk past him, but Sirius wasn't about to let this go that easily.

"No, wait... it doesn't mean anything?" He looked at him, and Remus realised by the tone of his voice that he was genuinely asking him, as if to clarify that it really wouldn't.

"Yeah, it means nothing I promise, I was just... curious." Sirius put the record player down, and fidgeted slightly with his sleeves.

"Okay." Remus froze for a second, trying to register what Sirius had said.

"O-okay?"

"It's just a kiss," he assured. "It means nothing." Was he trying to convince Remus? Or himself? Remus wasn't banking on this at all, he had expected Sirius to be horrified at the idea, walk away, yell at him or anything. But he was agreeing?

"Uh, okay. Alright, so we'll just–" Sirius didn't wait for him to flounder around awkwardly, which would make both of them hyper aware of what was happening, and therefore very self-conscious, rather like Remus's kiss with Marlene. Instead, Sirius cut him off immediately, kissing him softly on the lips, quite quickly, but with a slight linger. Remus's eyes were open in surprise, but Sirius had his closed. Remus was able to trace his entire face with how close he was. He hadn't noticed before, but Sirius had a single, tiny freckle underneath his eye, and his eyelashes were long enough to almost brush against Remus's skin.

Sirius pulled away slowly, and Remus touched his own lips with his fingertip. He had never believed in the old cliché of fireworks erupting between two people when they kissed, but the tingling in his lips was causing him to rethink his stance, at least slightly.

"Wow," he found himself breathing out, the only thing his brain could manage right now. He realised suddenly just how long he had been waiting for this, and he couldn't believe how much clarity one kiss gave him. He really liked Sirius, that was undeniable now. He wanted to kiss him again, he wanted to remain in this moment forever, he wanted to turn the record player back on, pull Sirius back into the astrology tower and kiss him again under the moonlight. The urge to do so was almost painful, and it resembled the itchiness he felt during the full moon, just before he transformed.

Sirius didn't seem to be thinking along the same lines though. He pulled away from Remus, looking as if he were backing slowly away from something terrifying. As if he were standing in front of a monster and he was too scared to even run away.

"Are you okay?" whispered Remus. Sirius swallowed.

"We shouldn't have done that," he replied, equally as quietly.

"But–"

"Why did we do that?" Sirius was acting as if he'd suddenly been snapped out of a trance, facing reality head on as the last few moments finally dawned on him.

"Hey, it's okay, it's like we said, it doesn't mean anything–"

"Then why did we do it?!" He was panicking now. "Why did you ask me, why– oh Merlin, oh God, oh fuck." He was frantically searching around the room, as if looking for a way out of this situation.