timeless, spencer reid [ 1 ]

069. painless

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"He's holding hostages in the restaurant. They're clearing the upper floors now." The detective says. "We got this video feed from the security camera. Two entrances -- the front, the kitchen. Either way he can see us coming."

"He's nowhere near the window, so there's no line of sight." Derek says.

"Yeah, but why take them hostage at all?" Rossi asks. "If this is a vendetta, why not kill them now?"

"We profiled this would be like a reunion to him." Hotch says. "He wants people to recognize who he is."

"I think I know what he wants to be recognized for." Emily says.

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They're on the jet and Bedelia is sitting on the couch and reading a book.

She hears faint screaming and her eyebrows furrow as she looks over to the four chairs, noticing Derek's annoyed expression pointed at Spencer. She can just barely hear Spencer's screaming coming from the headphones.

"Okay, kid, that was cute. But that's all you got?" Derek asks.

Spencer continues to pretend to sleep.

Derek's phone rings and he answers it.

"Hey, baby gi--" He pulls it away as Spencer's screams come through.

Rossi waves a white napkin between them.

"Uh-uh." Derek denies. "All right, Reid, it's on. Just know that paybacks are a bitch." Bedelia smiles a little, returning her attention to her book.

+++

Bedelia wipes her sweaty palms on her jeans, gulping as she stands in front of the familiar door. She raises one hand, hesitating, but then knocks softly a few times.

After a couple seconds, the door opens, Spencer's face dropping when he sees it's her.

"I don't want to talk about it." Spencer starts to shut the door.

"Wait, wait. Wait." Bedelia puts her hands on the door, stopping it from shutting. "Please, Spencer. Just..." She sighs as he opens the door. "Look, I already apologized to the rest of the team. Just... I understand, but give me one chance to talk. And then if you still never wanna see me outside of work, I'll leave you alone."

Spencer stares at her for a few moments at her pleading look. He pulls the door open a bit more, stepping aside. Bedelia lets out a nervous yet slightly relieved breath as she steps inside. Spencer shuts the door.

"I am... so, so sorry. About all of it." Bedelia tells him. "I never wanted to lie to you. I did want to tell you. I tried to tell you once. I just... I chickened out. I knew I couldn't. I couldn't risk Emily's life like that. I know you wouldn't tell anybody, but... I just couldn't. And I know I shouldn't have let you kiss me or-- or let us become a thing, I... I wasn't thinking clearly at all."

"I've been drowning in guilt for months when I wasn't supposed to. I wasn't supposed to know about any of this. I wouldn't leave the closest spot to the operation so I had overheard Hotch and JJ's plan. I didn't mean to, I didn't want to. I was supposed to be with the rest of you guys."

"And I know none of that makes this better. None of that justifies anything. I know nothing can fix what I broke. I'm so sorry. I can't even put into words how sorry I am, how much I hate myself for putting you through all of this."

"You did not deserve that. None of you did. I wish I could've done something different. You all should've known the truth, it should've been some sort of team secret. I don't deserve your forgiveness, I get that."

"So... if you wanna keep hating me, I understand. I won't even be mad. I deserve it. Or-- or if you want me to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness, I'll do that too. I'm sorry."

Spencer's gaze stays on the floor for most of her speech, the man barely able to look her in the eyes.

The two stay in silence for a little bit while she waits for Spencer for say or do something. He rubs the back of his neck, still not looking at her.

Bedelia's heart breaks when his hand reaches for the door and he opens it. Spencer continues to look down while he holds the door open.

Bedelia rolls her lips into her mouth, her eyes stinging with tears. She looks at Spencer as he still refuses to make any eye contact. Bedelia harshly swallows, walking out of the apartment, going for the stairs. The brunette flinches when the door softly shuts and she looks back at it, a few tears streaming down her cheeks.

Bedelia sniffles, pushing the rest of her tears back as she descends the stairs, making her way out to her car.

Spencer's hand stays on the doorknob, wrestling with himself to open it again or not. He looks through the peephole, not finding anybody. Spencer locks the door, his mind reeling over everything, the familiar anger starting to replace the conflicted feelings he has for her.