Random things I have written

Part 1

When I was younger I used to think that my parents were the world. I thought my dad was this amazing person and that he would protect me from all the scary things in the world. I thought he would never hurt me and that I was his princess like he said I was. Then as I got older and started to see how he really was I understood that he was just human like me. He couldn't protect me from everything and I wasn't always going to be his princess. Now I wish the younger me knew everything that would happen so she wouldn't get her hopes up every time her dad said he would come see her. I wish I could give my younger self the biggest hug ever because she needed it. She was never protected from the horrible things in the world like she should have been. She deserves the world and no one gave it to her. I sometimes wonder what I would be like if I never got sexually abused. Would I be a better person? Would I still be how I am now? I never understood how a god who was supposed to protect his "children" would let an 8 year old girl go through what I did. I started realizing that there was no god and if there was then he was a pretty shitty god for letting me go through that. I called out to him everyday asking why that was happening to me and I never got an answer. Was it because I wasn't as important as other people? Why was he not helping me and why did he let me go through that. Should I have gone to church more? What was I supposed to do at that age to get him to help me? I would have done anything just for someone to save me from him or even from myself. I was just trying to be a kid and I couldn't because of him. I just wanted my mom or someone to realize that something was happening to me. I wanted someone to help me get through it and not just push it under the rug, but that was all that happened when I told. I moved in with my Aunt and my mom stayed with him because she thought I was lying. She believed him over her own daughter and I never got over that. I just wish that someone would have stood up for me then. Things would have been different if someone did. Maybe I wouldn't have so many problems now if they got solved when I was younger. Would I still be the same person now? An anxious teenager who is suicidal and doesn't know how to express his emotions? Would I be a better person who knows what to do when he is hurting or who to talk to. Someone who knows that things get better even if it doesn't seem like it. A guy who knows that if he lives alone he won't have to worry about going through things by himself because he knows that he can call his mom or dad and they will tell him that everything will be okay and that he will get through it. Instead of someone who is not even talking to his dad and doesn't have the best relationship with their mom. I just wish I could have a relationship with my dad like some other kids have. Why did I get so unlucky with the parents I got stuck with. Would my life be different if I had different parents? Would it be better? Would I be a better person? I have so many questions for whatever god is out there why would you give me this life, these challenges. Was I punished? Did my parents do horrible things so you made their child go through hell? What was the reason I don't understand and honestly I don't think I ever will. It just hurts knowing everything that happened to the little girl that I used to know she was such a happy child before everything happened. She used to love hanging out with her friends and family. Until she didn't and no one ever paid enough attention to that girl to realize what she was going through.