it's okay if it's you | ishman ✓

CH: 21 [nsfw]

he doesn’t respond, looking away. shubman runs his fingers through ishan’s hair. naturally, he leans into the contact.

“can you touch me?” ishan asks, which catches shubman off-guard.

“no,” he replies.

ishan scowls at him. “come on, don’t be a pussy. im letting you use me.”

shubman really wishes he could knock some sense into this guy. ‘not now. he’s drunk and hurt,’ shubman reminds himself.

“don’t talk about yourself like that,” shubman says firmly.

ishan lets out a frustrated groan. “i need it, fuck. something, anything. make me forget all of this.”

shubman keeps brushing his hair gently. “this is not a solution, ishan. get some sleep.”

ishan gets up, shrugging his hand away. “you’re not the last person on earth. plenty of people will fuck me if i ask them.”

shubman doesn’t wait for him to walk another step. he turns ishan around, pulling him back to the bed.

“sit,” he orders.

ishan grunts but complies.

“do you really want to be acting like a bitch in heat? look at yourself, you’re desperate and you’re not even hiding it,” shubman says, trying to find the right words to hold ishan’s attention.

it’s dangerous to deal with ishan in such a vulnerable state. one wrong move and things could go terribly wrong.

it works because ishan doesn’t retort, a flush creeps up his neck.

“you fuck me then if you don’t want me to leave,” he says.

“go fuck yourself.”

ishan scoffs. “very mature.”

shubman sits back, folding his arms. “no. i mean it, fuck yourself. jerk yourself off, whatever. give me a show.”

ishan’s eyes widen, his heart racing. he tries to act unbothered, “i could have done it myself if that’s what i wanted, genius.”

“but you didn’t,” shubman points. “because you wanted someone- no, you wanted me around you, right?”

ishan bites his lip, too embarrassed to come up with anything. “don’t flatter yourself,” he mumbles.

shubman smiles. “hurry up, baby. that boner looks painful for you.”

ishan cusses to himself, glancing a look at his own crotch. he doesn’t even realize how quick his body reacts to shubman.

“pull down the zip.”
ishan does.

“touch yourself.”
ishan’s face feels on fire but he’s bound under the force of shubman’s voice.

his hand is warm when he reaches for it, getting a hold around his length. he tries to remember the feeling of shubman’s cold fingers that had brushed against his chest. he imagines them wrapping around his cock, letting out a small moan.

“what are you thinking, baby?” shubman asks, his voice notching a note deeper. he focuses on ishan’s face, not trusting himself to trail his eyes down.

“you. always, i always think about you,” ishan says, his breaths getting heavy.

“yeah? does it make you feel good when i watch you?”

ishan nods. pressing his cock, he starts pumping it up and down.

“use your words, baby.”

ishan moans instead. “i- yes, i want your attention. i want you to only look at me.”

“you’re such a good boy for being honest,” shubman says softly, leaning forward towards him. he maintains a distance, watching ishan intently.

“are you close?” he asks.

ishan’s lips tremble a little. “help me, please. touch me, shubi i-”

shubman shakes his head, smiling. “im having a rather good view from here, baby.”

ishan tries to glare at him that just comes off as a desperate plea. “please, just touch me. anywhere. kiss me at least, shubi, you’re making me crazy.”

shubman wants to kiss ishan, he really does. more than anything. but not like this. not when ishan is hurt and angry and would forget this the next morning.

ishan loses himself in a mess of words as angry tears trickle down his cheek. “i need you. fuck me, please, fuck me. i can’t take this.”

shubman feels oddly relieved to see his tears, knowing that ishan is starting let his frustration out.

“you can and you will,” shubman says, remaining firm.

ishan’s strokes get faster as his breaths get labored. his eyes start getting lidded as he feels a familiar warmth pool in his stomach.

“cum for me, baby.”

that does it for ishan. he lets it out with a gasp, feeling tingles through his body.

shubman fixes his own pants, trying to hide his boner. ishan reaching his orgasm should be an art, really.

the momentary silence that follows is broken by soft sobs from ishan.

shubman doesn’t say anything, watching ishan’s sobs progressively turn into full-blown crying.

“i hate you. i fucking hate you,” he says, in between his short breaths.

shubman inches closer to him, smiling as he rubs away ishan's tears. “it’s okay, im here. you're okay.”

“i hate you,” ishan repeats.

“i love you too,” shubman says softly.

“you shouldn’t. please don’t.”

shubman’s presses a kiss to his forehead. “you’re the most beautiful boy i’ve ever seen. you're pretty even when you cry,” shubman whispers, trying to make ishan smile.

it just makes him cry more, the broken sobs echoing through the walls of the room. they get worse as the minutes pass and shubman wants to bring the moon to him.

“im sorry,” ishan says, trying to blink away the tears but they just won’t stop. shubman’s heart breaks seeing the pain ishan must have been in all along.

“it’s okay, everything’s fine,” he says with a hush.

“i love you, im sorry,” ishan says with a final sob.

shubman has been waiting to hear this for weeks. he has been yearning, desperately hoping for this moment to happen.

yet, it doesn’t bring him the joy he thought it would. his happiest moment doesn’t matter if his best friend, the man he loves more than life, is crying in his arms, apologizing for loving someone.

“thank you for loving me,” he says, his voice sounding the fondest it has ever been.

“let me show you this time, that it’s okay to love a man. let me love you.”

—x—

author’s note:

pass the weed (internalized homophobia).

i was debating whether to follow up an explicit scene with a moment of vulnerability. but i thought it would be pretty cinematic in a sad, gay  indie-movie way. so i urge you to imagine it not with a sense of discomfort but try to understand the intense emotional struggle that he knew no way to verbalize. if it doesn’t come off as sexy to read, it’s because it wasn’t supposed to be.

i read it somewhere a long time ago, it said you can be gay and homophobic. it was supposed to be funny but i thought it was sad at the same time :’)

btw i was getting angry studying physics so i thought i should write smut but then i got emo lmao.