Pandavan Novella

Asha - Rabbit Hole of Deep Thoughts I Never Get at the Right Time

Water flowed around me, cocooning me and tugging at every stroke of my outreached hands. The swim cap tugged at my forehead, too tight, but the pressure let me know that my unruly hair wasn't flying around on the surface of the pool. As I reached the other side, seeing the black tiles come closer, instead of stopping or doing a flip turn, I joined my hands and with a flick of my ankles, I dove underneath, until I couldn't see anything but a dark abyss above me, broken only by the gentle ripples of the chlorine-infected water. My lungs began to burn with lack of air, but I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel of the water on my cheeks and legs.

A hand reached out, not by my own accord, and moved around in the water, as I watched, mesmerized, how even the slightest twitch of my fingertips caused a small wave which slowly widened, before dissolving into the reaches of the water.

I don't know how much longer I would've stayed in there, but a sudden panic overcame me and I shot my arms upward, pulling me up to the sky. As soon as my head broke the surface of the water, my hands wrapped around my throat, feeling my pulse fluttering against the sensitive skin of my palm.

Blindly, arms flailing, I swam quicker than I ever had before to the edge and pulled myself out of the water, gasping at the temperature change, and I was shivering, but not from the cold (R/N: SOMETHING IS FAMILIAR LIKE A DREAM I COULD REACH BUT NOT QUITE HOLD) (D/N: I CAN SENSE YOU THERE - I loved frozen 2) (R/N: LIKE A FRIEND I'VE ALWAYS KNOWN - me too). Something had come over me in the water, distant and unfamiliar, but it was there. Almost like something was passing through me.

Almost like what had happened on that run, and as if to remind me exactly of that, another feather fluttered down from somewhere I couldn't see and I clutched it midair. It was almost identical to the last one and lay in my palm perfectly, caressing the water-caused wrinkles.

Another shudder brought me to my senses as I realized exactly where I was. One of the courtyards had a built-in pool hardly ever used for classes, since naval fighting was not a needed asset of the Black Cat. But despite that, I had been given lessons here since a young age, if only to hone skills I would possibly never need.

I knew the place like the back of my hand, and every day was the same. Repetitive, boring, but now that I was about to be transferred, I couldn't figure out whether I would like the change or not. Change made it all so much more real, especially the parts I tried to subdue.

My finger traced one of the drains, having already memorized the smooth bumps and ridges that were familiar against the wrinkled skin.

I wasn't mad about it though. Being in the water, running or even writing unfiltered thoughts... It was the only time where I felt like I was at least in control of a few things in life.

But after all, weren't we all? Nothing stops us from running onto the street or causing a car crash or punching a wall or even killing someone. It's only the fear of the future, of the consequences and effects that make us pause, hesitate and push back the prickly feeling down back into that little chest in the bottom of our hearts. Unlocked but no one would dare open that which will threaten the things they hold precious.

It's funny how the world works sometimes, but also so obviously clear. Because through all the people with their big talks and wants for change or peace, there is a surprisingly, scaringly fragile surface holding it all up together. And it could fall apart any day.

I wanted to help hold it up, or even pretend it didn't exist and that we were on solid ground, but that wasn't my position in the world. It never was and never will be, because I was part of the Black Cat, and they were anything but good. They weren't evil either of course, because nothing is quite good and evil. Black or white. It's the whole case of Alfred Nobel and Julius Oppenheimer, of humanity, always caught in the middle of a tug of war we pretend we don't orchestrate,