Road to War Part III: I Would For You

What a Pathetic String of Words

Frowning deeply, he can't meet Steve's eye. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know what it's like to have memories come from nothing, telling you what kind of person you were, what kinds of things you did because you couldn't stop it. Natalia understands. But he's driven her away.

"Bucky, please. Tell me so I can understand."

Had he been thinking out loud? No, but Steve knows when he's being pushed away. He's had plenty of practice lately. "I have to live with what I've done. So does she. But we don't like remembering it," he says hesitantly. "I want to know, I want to know what I have to make up for. But I don't know if that's what she wants."

Steve squeezes his shoulder gently, then sits back in his chair, thoughtful. "You love her," he says suddenly, sounding surprised.

He looks at Steve sharply. "What makes you say that?"

"You may be one of the best in the world at covert ops, but there are some things you don't hide well, my friend," Steve says lightly, teasing, as he pats his shoulder and gets to his feet. "Why don't you go see how she's doing this morning?"

Watching Steve, he bites his lip. "You think that's a good idea?"

"I think Nat's the strongest person I know, and she's probably more worried about you than anything else," he says.

"Alright," he mutters, and goes to make himself presentable.

He doesn't know how long he stands outside Natalia's door before he knocks. Too long, probably. She likely knows he's there; he's familiar with the security measures Stark helped her put into place here. Offered to do the same to his own apartment, though he declined. He raises his hand, tentatively, and knocks once, considering leaving before she can answer.

Too late. "Hello, James," she says quietly as she opens the door. She looks tired, but beautiful, and he can't seem to find anything to say. A smirk appears on her lips as she leans against the door, no doubt amused by his tongue-tied response. Or lack thereof. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Are you?" he forces out.

She nods. "Didn't get much sleep, but otherwise I'm fine. I..." She pauses, looking passed him into the hallway. "Why don't you come in?"

When she steps back inside, he follows her hesitantly and shuts the door behind him. She walks over to her couch and turns around to lean against it, looking at him. He doesn't move. Her living room, onto which her front door opens, contains a couch, a loveseat, a television, and very little else. He had expected her place to be more decorated than this. She catches his eye and he stops his inspection.

"Fury called me."

"Yeah?"

"He needs me to go on a mission, James," she says with an unaccountable softness.

Frowning slightly, he nods. "Alright."

She sighs and walks over to him. He holds very still as she comes to a halt less than a foot away. "I'll be off the grid for a while, maybe a month. No contact." Her voice is authoritative, direct. Distancing herself. "I just," she adds, gentler. "I didn't want you to think it was because of you."

"Alright," he repeats, licking his lips.

"I'll let you know when I get back," she offers. The hesitance in her tone makes him think that perhaps this isn't something she usually does, which makes him smile tentatively.

"I'm looking forward to it, Natalia," he tells her sincerely.

A reciprocating smile appears on her face and she lifts a hand to touch his cheek lightly. "Stay out of trouble while I'm gone," she says seriously.

"Yes, ma'am," he promises.

"Maybe you can keep Steve out of trouble, too," she adds with a grin.

"That will be more of a challenge."

"Well, do what you can."

She starts to turn away and he catches her wrist lightly in his right hand. "Stay safe," he says seriously.

"Clint will watch my back. And Fury said it wouldn't be too dangerous," she reassures him, not moving in his grip.

He shakes his head slightly, frowning. "Fury doesn't have my perspective."

"And what's your perspective?" she asks.

It may be his imagination, but she seems to lean a little closer at the question. Ignoring his first impulse, he drops her wrist and moves his hand to hover over the scar he knows is above her hip. "That you've been through enough," he answers softly. "And are irreplaceable."

Smiling, she covers his hand and presses it against her scar, then reaches up to cup his cheek. "You're sweet. But I knew what I was doing," she adds before leaning in and kissing him briefly. Then she steps back and winks at him before turning away. "I'll see you soon, James," she says over her shoulder as she disappears around the corner.

Struggling to keep from grinning, he lets himself out of her apartment and walks home. As he turns his key in the lock, he wonders what she meant when she referenced Odessa.