Road to War Part III: I Would For You

What a Pathetic String of Words

He's an idiot. Why didn't he see it before? Why didn't he remember? So many things have come back, but this... He'd put the strange way she made him feel to other burgeoning emotions, not to another layer added to his sick past. And she hadn't known, so he feels terrible to have forced her to remember, too. He knows that's what he is doing, has been doing, for months, but she hasn't in years. She knows who she is. Or thought she did. And now he's screwed it up. Because he thought there was something there when, clearly, there wasn't.

After he kissed her, and broke away in confusion, they stared at each other for a long time. Anything could have happened after that interminable silence. Finally, the horror on her face changed to something softer, and she gently touched his cheek before disappearing into her apartment. He doesn't know how long he stood there, at a loss, before he managed to turn his feet in the direction of home and left her building.

What he did that night is a mystery; he doesn't even remember making it back. But he does remember Steve coming by in the morning.

"Hey, Buck, how'd it go?" Steve asks casually as he locks the door behind him and sets his keys on the table. Steve didn't live there, but was around most of the time. Once Steve catches sight of his expression, he sobers, looking very serious. "What happened?"

"I..." He can't say it. What would he say? How could he tell Steve that he's screwed up again? He stares bleakly at his friend, who slowly walks over and pulls up a chair beside him.

"Did anyone hurt you?" He shakes his head. "Did you hurt anyone?" Shakes his head again. "Did Nat do something?" He bites his lip, considering. "Bucky, tell me."

"I knew her," he chokes out. Steve stares at him, frowning slightly in confusion.

"When?"

"In Russia."

Steve sits back, studying him. "When you were in Department X?"

"Yes."

"I'm sorry, Buck, but I need you to tell me why that's upsetting you. What happened in the Red Room with Nat?"

"I..." He trails off, staring at his lap, clenching and unclenching his hands. "I don't know," he whispers.

"Does she?" Steve's voice is authoritative, determined; he'll go find out if Bucky wants him to.

He shakes his head quickly. "She didn't remember, either, until I... Until we..." Steve looks at him intently, encouragingly. "I kissed her," he finishes softly. "And then, then I saw all these times I'd seen her before. Known her before."

"In the Red Room?"

"In the Red Room." Meeting Steve's eye, he is surprised to see the slightest hint of grim amusement on his face. "What?" he asks tiredly.

Steve allows the smile to appear in earnest on his face as he shakes his head in admiration. "Man, I was impressed you got Nat interested now. I'm just a little shocked that you were able to do that when you were both, you know, killing machines."

"Thanks," he answers in a bemused tone.

"So, you remembered. And so did she. It seems like a good thing to me," Steve says gently.

He frowns, considering. "They punished us both for it. In different ways. I wasn't allowed to remember. She was. I think she was repressing it, what they did to her, and now I've forced her," he mumbles.

Steve moves his chair closer, the scraping of the wood against the tile breaking the stillness, and puts his arm around his shoulders. "Bucky, it wasn't you. It was them. I'm sure she'll be glad to know, she was probably just startled."