Can You Tell I Haven't Slept Very Well Since We Last Spoke? - A Jemily Fanfic

8. Wallowing

'Some days I don't exist. My bed becomes a casket.' - Juansen Dizon
Emily POV:
2 weeks, 4 days and 2 hours.

I hadn't spoken to my best friend in 2 weeks, 4 days and 2 hours.

Apart from professionally of course but even then there was very few words exchanged. The last real thing I'd said to JJ was 'I'm sorry.'

I'm still sorry. I'm sorry for hurting her. And for loving her. And I want to rip my heart of my chest so it stops asking for her. I miss her so much I feel as if I may throw up.

Does that make me weak? To miss someone so much, to be so dependent, that you let it consume you.

The last 2 weeks, 4 days and 2 hours have felt like a long monotonous never ending routine. There was no living in this routine. I was barely existing, only because I had to.

Get up, go to work, do my paperwork, go home, open a bottle of wine, drink it all so it doesn't go off, sit in the boiling shower because your world is spinning, stare in repulsion at your mirror, sigh, and go to bed. All while thinking about Jennifer Jareau.

It felt weak. I didn't expect this from myself but something about not seeing JJ was killing me.

I stepped into my apartment after work, goosebumps forming on my skin as I stared at the atonal walls. The air felt damp and it clung to me making me shiver. I missed JJ's apartment, the way the sun shone through her blinds warm and peaceful, it would paint her gold showing off every beautiful feature of her face. I'd often hoped that I was perceived in the same way when I was there. But here. The darkness taunted me, shaming me into horrible mess I was. Depression had not been kind as I had grown, it only seemed to grow with me consuming me inside and out. It, however, seemed to shrivel in the glow of JJ. Hissing and burning from the light, I felt a little more weightless around her.

I stepped out from the running shower, my bathroom had filled with steam from the harsh temperature - anything to try and recreate the warmness of JJ's home - and as I did every night stared into the long mirror, dropping my towel.

My hands ran over every scar that littered my body, some from my past life, others self-inflicted as a bitter teen. How could someone love any of this? I felt sick at the thought. However, there was something strangely comforting in the way I hated every inch of my skin. It felt easier than trying to love any of it. I worry secretly that I will never get away from my self-destructive nature, it consumes me entirely. My body feels as if it is burning in shame. I don't know why i ever thought for a split second that JJ could love a person like me for I am too harsh, and too rough for her perfect world.

I drank again that night.

I say that as if it is a surprise, as if I haven't put down the bottle since I got home after the New Orleans case.

I crawled into my pit wrapping myself in slate coloured sheets which seemed to remain cold no mater how long I stayed in bed. The red wine knocked me out quickly.

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Beep! Beep! Beep!

I slammed my hand down on the alarm clock on my bedside table. Work again. And again, and again and-

I groaned getting out of bed my head killing me from last nights drinking.

I gulped down a glass of water and 2 asprin for breakfast and pulled on a low cut navy long-sleeve, probably a little too much cleavage for the BAU but I shrugged it off.

I smiled at Reid as he greeted me, telling me his fact of the day before I sat down at my desk, a little too loudly for my hangover I must admit. I glanced up as I heard the elevator stop and the doors open.

JJ walked quickly over to her office my eyes following her desperately needing some kind of acknowledgement that she didn't think I was a selfish person. But no kind of interaction ever followed. I sighed counting in my head, 2 weeks, 5 days, 10 hours. She couldn't even look at me, but it was all I craved.

"My favourite girls! Drinks tonight?" Garcia beamed as we all walked towards the elevator - all except Hotch of course, I'm convinced that man never leaves this place. My eyes shifted uncomfortably as JJ and I made brief eye contact. My head was still pounding, I don't think I've been properly sober in at least a week and a half.

"Sorry Garcia, Will's using his vacation days to stay with me this week so I'm going home to him." JJ replied smiling, patting her shoulder. My jaw clenched hearing her so happy when all I had been doing is making myself miserable over her.

I looked around quickly trying to come up with some kind of excuse as to why I don't want to go drinking with Garcia. I eyed up Spencer as he began to walk towards our gathering.
"Sorry Penelope, Spencer is coming to hang out at mine tonight, right Spencer?" I grabbed his arm as he walked past squeezing tightly hoping he would get the hint.

Fortunately, he nodded, uttering some lame excuse about showing me his favourite movie. I felt both JJ's and Garcia's eyes on me as i focused on the ground.

"Have a good evening Penny, you too J- Jayje." I tried to smile at her before blinking quickly looking away from JJ as she made eye contact with me, I hadn't called her that in a while. I wonder if she cared. I felt her eyes still on me when my own flicked back to her. There is a line between a longing stare and a prolonged glare and I could not tell which she was intending.

"Enjoy Spencer's favourite movie." Garcia breathed out a laugh before turning and making her way into the elevator.

"Goodnight Em." JJ nodded at me. I hid the small grin that forced its way onto my face when she called me that. It's been too long since I've heard her speak like that. She stepped into the elevator with Garcia, lifting her hand for a half wave just as the doors closed.

"Thank you Spencer, you're a life saver!" I smiled at him.

"You still haven't spoken to JJ, everyone can tell there's something going on Emily, you two haven't so much as smiled at each other in weeks." Spencer frowned, "Are you okay Emily? Really?"

"I'm fine Spencer, I don't want to rush into talking to her, I'll let her talk to me first, what if she's still mad?" I shook my head at him.

"Talk to her soon Emily." Spencer said sternly, "Now, where did you park?"

"What?" I frowned at him.

"We're hanging out tonight, you said so yourself, at your apartment." He smiled knowing I'd have to talk to him now.

"Spencer no, I- I have things to do tonight." (Like wallow in self-pity over JJ and think about her calling me 'Em')

"Nope!" Spencer smiled strolling towards my car, "You get to hang out with me now." I sighed there was no stopping him, I really didn't want to bring him into my apartment, he'd see the depressing parts of my life.

'I just miss you, in a quite simple, desperate, human way.' - Vita Sackville