A letter to heaven

The only part

I knew you were sick that whole time. I didn't ever feel the reality of it till it was too late. When I visited you at the hospital, I told you about all the problems in my life instead of just listening. Would you have more time if I listened to you instead of you listening to me? That doesn't make sense, though. People can't control when they pass, just how. You called me. I didn't answer. I saw your name appear on my phone but was too busy watching TV to answer. I wish I knew I would be the last person you tried calling before you passed. That's an excuse, though. That doesn't justify my stubbornness. That doesn't justify the outcome. I should have tried harder. I should have told you that I did love you. I wasn't trying to ignore you; I just was stupid. I wish I could call you and tell you that I miss you. I want to have a sleepover so we can talk. So I can listen to you talk about what is happening with you. Did you get your wings yet, or is that only in the movies? I should have tried harder. I should have told you that I love you. I shouldn't have kept that to myself so often. I would stay up at night and think about the past with a smile. I never thought that you would be leaving so soon. I never thought I would lose you in all reality. Now I regret everything. I regret not telling you I love you as much as I felt it. I regret not answering your calls. I regret not being there as your heart stopped. I regret not begging you to stay as the monitor when flat. I should have enjoyed the moments more. I regret not calling you back. I regret not visiting. I was just a child. I was only 15. You were only 15. How could this be part of God's plan to have his child come home so soon? How could someone as healthy as you get sick? How could this happen to someone like you? You are the perfect Christian. You went to church every Sunday and put all your worries in God's hands. That shouldn't be the only qualities that make a good Christian. You knew that, and you were the perfect Christian. God was first in your life. You loved him more than anything and anyone. You would listen to people and build your relationship with them as you helped their relationship with God. I need that now. I need you to hold my hand as I am crying over you. Have you tell me this was always meant to happen. Everything has a reason. God doesn't make mistakes. It's in God's plan. Oh, your poor parents. Oh, your parents. I couldn't imagine how they were feeling. Watching their baby girl die. You were only 15. You had so much to live for. So many people to influence. I remember seeing your mother's face in the kitchen as you told me you were sick. Her lip quivered, and she pinched her eyes shut to keep herself from crying. How she had to leave the room. I cried that day at the thought that I wouldn't have my best friend anymore. You are my best friend. How could I do this to you? I don't think I will ever cry more than I have in the days since you flatlined. I keep hearing your mom's voice in my head on repeat. "She's gone". "She's gone". "She's gone." I kept hearing how her voice broke as she heard me start to cry. I keep hearing your dad in the background sobbing. People say when a grown man cries, he's broken. I think he was more than broken. I think he still is. They both love you so much. I know you are enjoying the kingdom of heaven right now. Seeing your bunny Marshmallow and your cat Jack Sparrow. Everyone who knew you loved you. We all want you to come back. I want you to come back the most. I have no one to talk to. No one to cry with. No one to dance with at Prom. It's tonight. We had our dresses and everything. It was going to be our last Prom together. I wish you could have made it at least to this night. To the morning so we could dance just one more time together. I did love you. I do love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it more. I still love you. I always will. There will always be a you-sized hole in my heart. Nothing and no one will ever fill it. People say you never forget your first heartbreak. I bet this counts because you broke my heart. Just come back. Take off your wings and your white dress and those sandals and come back. I can't do this without you. You were my reason to get up in the morning. Maybe I will come to join you.