Lost Without You/A Jordan Knight FanFic✔️

22

THEN

Alice rarely called me. She used Lucy to send her messages, sometimes she'd shoot me an email, but a phone call was rare.

"Hello?" I answered my phone at a jobsite, one hand holding the phone while my other hand covered my ear to hear her as I walked away from the machinery toward the parking lot and my truck.

"Jordan?"

"Sorry ... just a sec."

I jogged to my truck and climbed inside.

"I'm at a jobsite and couldn't hear you. Is everything okay?" I asked Alice.

"Yeah. It's ... I ... well, I just wanted to call you and tell you something before I tell Lucy and she tells you."

"Sounds complicated. What is it?"

"I ... met someone."

It was one thing to know something, like death was inevitable. And it was another thing to know something, like someone died. The thing you knew would eventually happen happened. And you realize that nothing could have prepared you for it. As much as you tried to ready your heart, guard it from complete destruction, you underestimated the force, the real impact.

"That's ... um ..." I pinched the bridge of my nose and squeezed my eyes shut. "Who is he?"

"He's a doctor. Not mine. Funny thing, actually, Becky and Derek introduced me to him. Not Cody," she said with a nervous laugh.

I wished I'd found the same level of irony, but I didn't.

"Anyway, we've gone out a few times. He's really nice." She had no clue how little I cared about Dr. Nice. "I'm going to tell Lucy about him when she gets home from school this afternoon. And I'll introduce her to Luke ... that's his name ... this Friday. We'll all go out to dinner. And since you'll see her on Saturday, I didn't want you to be blindsided by the news."

Too late. I was blindsided. Ran over with a truck speeding down the interstate.

"Jordan? Are you still there?"

"Yeah. Thanks for the call." I ended the call. "FUCK!"

I pounded the palm of my hand against the steering wheel several times before gripping it and dropping my head between my arms. I wasn't delusional, at least that was what I told myself. I knew we were over, hence the divorce. I just thought she'd live out the rest of her life as a lonely grieving mother the way I was living the rest of my life as a lonely grieving father and ex-husband. In my head, we would both be miserable. And maybe that felt fair to me whether it was right or wrong.

"Want to talk about it?" My dad asked as we watched the Royals play at his house.

"Talk about what?"

"Your mood?" He handed me a beer.

That was the clue that I wasn't okay. I rarely drank real beer, usually just root beer.

"Alice has a boyfriend. She called me about it earlier in the week—a heads-up. And Lucy gave me the scoop yesterday."

"You're divorced." He sat in the other recliner.

"Thanks, Captain Obvious." I took a long swig of my beer.

"I'm just saying, you knew it might happen. She's a great lady. Of course, some other guy was going to eventually snatch her up. I know it's hard on you, but you have to deal with it. What does Lucy think of him?" "

Hard to say. She wasn't overly excited. More matter-of-fact about it. He's a surgeon. Never been married. No kids. He drives a nice car. He's polite. And he likes to hold Alice's hand and whisper things in her ear that make her laugh."

"Ugh ..." my dad grumbled, wrinkling his nose.

"Exactly." I focused on the game.

"Is it serious?"

I shrugged. "Must be serious enough for her to tell me and introduce him to Lucy. And now Lucy is on me more than ever to find someone for myself. To get out there and date. To set up a profile on some crazy dating app. It's like she needs to know I'm okay, and the litmus test for that is me having a girlfriend."

"Well, she might not be entirely wrong about that."

"No." I shook my head. "She is entirely wrong. I don't need a girlfriend or another wife to be happy. I have Lucy. And you and Mom. Jon, Andi, and their kids. I mean ... why the fuck do I need anything more?"

My dad chuckled. "Companionship. Sex ..."

I tried not to grin, but my dad's timing on talking to me about sex for the first time was laughable.

"I don't need a girlfriend to have sex."

"Whatever does it for you, Jordan."

What did that mean? I wasn't sure. Did he think I meant I was having sex with myself? My hand and some internet porn? Or did he think I meant randomly hooking up with someone, like someone I met at a bar. That was what I meant, even if I was just saying it to make a point. I wasn't actually looking for anyone at a bar or anywhere else for that matter. And so what if my hand did the job when I needed a release?

"I had a lady drop her dog off a few months ago. A widow. About your age. Nice looking gal. She mentioned being a big Chiefs fan. And she lives in Redington. When she returns next month to pick up her dog, I could see if she'd be open to me giving her your number?"

No offense to my dad—after all, he made a solid living freeze-drying animals. But I wasn't a freeze-dried animal kind of guy, so I already had no interest in that woman. Not to mention the idea of my dad fixing me up was just ... too weird.

"Thanks, Dad. But I think I'll pass."

"Suit yourself."

"I will."

"She's not coming back to you. You know that right?"

I rolled my eyes. "Your mom and I had this conversation years ago when Lucy said something to her about you and Alice living together again someday."

I didn't know Lucy said that.

"Your mom said what happened with Austin severed something between the two of you that can never be mended, no matter how much you love each other. She said if she were in Alice's shoes, she would have done the same thing. She would have left me. So it's not just her. Alice wasn't trying to punish you. She's doing what she needs to do to survive and be the best mom she can be for Lucy. It's not that she can't or won't forgive you, Son. It's that she can never forget. Your mom said it would be like living with someone who has PTSD, only worse because she blames you."

I just wanted to watch a game with my dad. How did the guy, who rarely said more than "yes, dear" and "okay, dear" turn into Dr. Phil?

"I'm deliriously happy for her, Dad. Really. If she's moving on, that means she's no longer feeling like the world is over. That's good for her. That's good for Lucy. Why wouldn't I be happy about that?"

"I'm proud of you, Jordan. You've always accepted responsibility. You've always put Lucy and Alice first. I know a lot of men who would have drunk themselves to death had they experienced what you did."

Bless his Dr. Phil heart. Really. My dad tried to say and do the right thing around me. But I wasn't so sure the right thing to say was that any other man would have drunk himself to death, so kudos to me for not ending my life. The crazy part? After years of taking the blame, working so hard to convince Lucy that it was actually my fault, not just a coverup, I started to believe it. I had days of feeling guilty for Austin's death. The lie became my truth.