…
[MABONTLE]
‘You’re not asleep. What’s bothering you?’ I hear his voice coming from behind me. He sits up and turns the side lamp on. I’ve been lying here, getting engulfed by my own thoughts and pending decisions. I stop playing with my wedding ring and turn on my side. He yawns and continues squinting. He should go back to sleep. He’s been on the road the whole day.
‘What’s bothering you, baby?’
‘Kuli told me something that I just cannot get out of my mind. She said I must be the one to talk to you about it’
I’ve been regurgitating her words all day and all they do is weigh my heart down.
‘About the accident?’
‘What accident?’
‘Never mind, it’s nothing major. What did she say?’
‘She says our chipmunk cannot grow up here’
The look on his face tells me this is not really astonishing for him to hear.
‘I was hoping that wouldn’t be the case, but I was expecting it’
‘Really?’
‘I did not grow up here. Dad too. Same goes for his father and so forth, according to history’
‘Is this the price I have to pay for giving birth to your heir?’ I ask. My heart hurts, man!
His one arm wraps around me and he pulls me closer.
‘I’m sorry love but please don’t look at this in that light. It’s not a punishment. It’s just… we are born with a target on our back. Keeping him here is not going to help him either’
I don’t know how to say what’s on my mind right now. I want to express it well but at the same time, it’s a decision I do not want to take. I’ve always heard about the irrevocable strength and extremity of a mother’s love and always, my first thought was that people were exaggerating until I held that boy in my arms, after a whole nine months of forming a triple bond between him and I. Fikani comes first but if there’s a position before that, Junior undisputedly takes it. I wipe my tears and face him.
‘You can marry Mokgadi’ I state and he frowns – immediately looking sober from sleep.
‘I can’t stay here while my baby grows up far from me, baby. In Free State? I am leaving with him’
‘Are you listening to yourself?’
I nod.
‘I am not divorcing you. We can do long distance but one thing I am sure of is that I will lose my mind wondering if he has had breakfast, if he cried the previous night and what food he likes. I don’t want to miss my baby’s milestones, I’m sorry’
He drops the back of his head against the headboard.
‘Please reconsider’
I shake my head. I’ve been thinking about this the whole day. My decision is final.
‘We are not abandoning him. We can always go see him whenever we wish to and we’ll have more kids. I am not saying he is replaceable but this is just one of the challenges we have to face head on, together’
I no longer know what to say to him but my mind is made up, as painful as it feels right now. My whole heart has been ripped out by this, unceremoniously so. He gets off the bed and pulls me towards him. I rest my head against his chest as we stand here – barefoot.
‘Please don’t do this to me. I am begging you, Nwa-Khalanga’ he says, hugging my head. He’s making this ten times harder than it already is. ‘You know damn well I’d give up that throne for you, right?’
He wipes my cheeks with his thumbs.
‘I also know that I will not like the repercussions to that. I am giving you the permission to get another royal wife because I can’t live here any longer. In as much as I don’t want us to raise him separately, you’ll come see us in Bloem. I’d rather he has one full-time parent than none at all’
‘I don’t even know this woman and you’re easily suggesting that I marry her?’
‘Trust me, it’s everything but easy. I’ve gotten to learn that there are just some battles I may be willing to fight but will never win’
‘You don’t have to. I’m not asking you to fight any battles!’
My eyes are sore from all the crying I’ve been doing before he woke up.
‘Please don’t do this, my love?’
I see a tear racing down his cheek. I look in the direction of Vukosi’s cot and the decision reverberates in my heart. I don’t expect his father to understand to be honest. I am the one who felt that tiny body moving inside of me and silently swore to protect it with everything I’ve got.
‘I have to, I’m sorry. This does not mean I love you any less. I’m still crazy about you. You’ll always be my hubstar, even when we’re kilometres apart’
He’s zoned out. I’m not even sure if he heard a single word I’ve said.
‘Baby?’ I call.
‘Hm?!’
‘We’ll figure it out, somehow’ I also don’t know what it is I’m promising him. I just don’t know what direction my life is supposed to take from this point.
‘Give me a moment’ he pardons himself with his index raised. He puts his pants and t-shirt on, then throws his feet into his slides.
‘Uya kwini? Where are you going?’ I ask and he turns to look at me, with a thin smile on his face. He always blushes when I try to speak Xitsonga.
‘Na vuya sweswi. I’ll be back in a minute’ he leaves before I can respond. He’s off to drink, I just know it. After checking on Vukosi and finding him still sleeping peacefully, I go back to bed.
I have an urge to call my aunt but this is such an inappropriate time, I’ll try her in the morning. We’ve already spoken about this and she’s more than happy to host us. I don’t plan on living with her forever though. The plan is to get a house of my own in an upmarket suburb because I value my peace and I also don’t want to be a burden. However, she doesn’t know that my trip there has permanence attached to it. I am dreading the lecture that will erupt when she finds out. I also promised Liesel that I’d tell her when she can come see the baby and now we have to move. My head is drumming and violently so.
Fikani comes back about half an hour later, looking a lot calmer. He cuddles me from behind – still fully clothed. I did say he wanted a drink. Him and his stiffs. I hate this about him.
‘What can I do to make you stay? Say the word and I’ll do it’
We are not doing this again. I’ve stopped crying and even the headache is subsiding. Why does he want to take me back there?
‘My mind is made up, Mlambya’
‘I’ll give you another baby. As soon as the three months is up, I’ll pump in another one and make sure I don’t miss’ his voice is laced with humour. He’s so silly.
‘Don’t laugh. I can’t lose you, baby. Vukosi is the first prince from me so this was bound to happen. It’s not easy for me too but I promise to make it work. Our visits will be frequent and we won’t miss any of his big days; academic and sports alike’
Why is he not hearing me?
...
CHAPTER 43
Start from the beginning
