…
[MABONTLE]
Nqobile is here. It’s been awkward since her arrival yesterday afternoon but I choose to mind my business. If I continue worrying about what Fikani does with who, I am going to lose my mind. He promised to be faithful. He knows the consequences of breaking that promise. I’ve held her baby but I’ve never had a proper conversation with her. We don’t even make eye contact. The ancestral ceremony for Zoe, who her father calls Masana, was this morning, now they’re inside the house – preparing to be driven back home. I keep hearing hints from the elderly women that she’d make a perfect second wife and I am entertaining none of that. If she’s going to be a wife here, it will be in my absence.
‘Hey’ I turn in the direction of the kitchen door when I hear her voice.
‘Hi’ I greet back.
I am sitting outside because I can’t hear myself think inside the house.
‘Can I take a seat?’ she asks and I nod. She grabs one of the outdoor chairs and sits beside me. I pour some juice and hand it to her.
‘Thank you’ she says as she receives it, then takes a sip.
‘Uhm… I’m here to say goodbye and to thank you for welcoming us into your home with warm hands’
I did not have a choice. I’m smart enough to know that she’s not the enemy here.
‘It was a pleasure having you and Masana around’ I return the civility. She nods with a smile and gets up. She stops just as she was about to walk away and turns in my direction again.
‘Bontle…’
‘Yeah?’
‘I know how deep the damage of being cheated on can get. I shouldn’t have slept with Fikani that night. I hope one day you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me, and to also forgive the fact that I fell pregnant as well’
Those words feel like a dagger in my heart. I try to formulate a respectful response because I’m tired of fighting, man.
‘You are not the one who cheated on me. You shouldn’t be apologizing’
‘But I knew that you exist but I still—‘ she clasps her palms together and goes back to her seat. ‘No amount of justification will undo the damage that Fikani… your husband and I did. I just want you to know that I have no intentions of being the third party in your relationship’
‘Do you love him?’ I might as well ask since we’re having a heart to heart.
She immediately drops her eyes.
‘Don’t be afraid to be honest’
‘Unfortunately I do even though that has never worked for me’
‘What do you mean by that?’
‘It’s a long story, which I’m not prepared to speak about right now’
Why do I feel like there’s more to this than what’s presented at surface level?
‘If you weren’t leaving, I’d take that’
She sighs.
‘The thing is, Fikani broke my heart many times. I’m ashamed to say it out loud because I allowed him to. I gave him the consent to continue after every bad deed, thinking he would change’ she laughs.
‘Wait, how long you have guys known each other each other?’
‘If you don’t know the answer to the question then I think he’s the one you’re supposed to be having this conversation with. I really have to go. Thank you once more’ she stands up and leaves.
Why do I feel like whatever is happening between these two isn’t over? And seeing Fikani being so obsessed with his baby girl like that made me feel some type of way. He’s adorable as a father but the thought that I am not the one who gave him his first child is another form of heartbreak.
He may not want to marry her but she could always be his mistress. Even though she sounds like she’s done with him, her eyes tell a different story. I finish off my juice before walking back into the house because him and I need to talk.
When I look over the balcony, I find him standing on the pavement with Nqobile, her sister and Mhan Singi next to the car with open doors. He’s cautiously holding Masana in his hands and she’s wrapped in a purple blanket. Him and his mother are struggling to let go. Mhan Singi keeps peeping into the blanket with a smile on his face. Nqobile extends her hands after fixing the wrap on her head. Fikani eventually hands her the baby and she attempts to get inside the car. He takes the baby back and she gets in by herself, then receives Masana while seated. The driver beeps as he goes out and they wave them goodbye.
Him and Mhan’ Singi continue standing there, seemingly having a serious conversation and he keeps nodding. I walk to our bedroom so I can take a seat, I’m not feeling too well. I feel like my baby bump is lower today. There’s a dull ache on my lower back and under my abdomen. The doctor in me knows what this means but I’m not ready.
He opens the door and finds me massaging my tummy.
‘Baby, are you okay?’
‘I don’t think so’ I respond. I am still trying to listen to my body and figure out where this is going.
‘Please help me up’ I ask and he’s prompt in his steps. ‘Don’t look so worried. You’ll infect me and I’ll start overthinking’ I say and he relaxes his facial muscles. I think it’s happening.
I feel warm liquid running down my thigh. He can’t see it because I’m wearing a maxi dress.
‘The baby is coming’
‘What? Are you sure? Okay, let’s take small steps to the car. Will you be able to do that for me?’
I nod. I’m freaking out, internally.
‘I’m scared…’ I confess and he holds my hands tighter.
‘There’s nothing to be scared of. Please breathe and relax. I got you’
I nod again. I don’t want him out of my sight but I know that he’s not supposed to see me giving me birth. Kuli approaches as Fikani tries to get me out of the room.
‘Is it time?’ she asks. Fikani answers, affirmative.
‘You can’t take her to the hospital. She has to give birth here’ she says and Fikani frowns.
‘She needs to give birth on the very same cow hide you were also born on, the black and white one. These are not my orders. Take her to the guestroom and I’ll go get Mhan Singi. You have to be gone by the time we come back’
He nods with understanding. I am in tears now because what the hell is this? My feelings are all over the place and I have no idea where to start regulating them.
‘You’ll be fine baby. Please stop crying’
‘I want my baby to be born in a hygienic environment. I want to be attended to by professionals’
‘Mhan Singi has helped many women give birth in this family. You can trust her. Breathe with me, come on. In… and out…’
‘I don’t want to breathe. I want to go to the hospital!’
‘You will go after this. I promise you, our baby will be fine’ he wipes my tears with his thumbs and tells me he has to go.
Kuli comes back with Mhani Singi and her facial expression alerts me of her displeasure.
‘Mlambya, you shouldn’t be in here’
‘I know mhani, I’m leaving. You’ll be okay, baby. Please trust me’ he lets go of my hands and leaves the room.
Mhani lays the black and white hide on the floor and asks me to lie down. I do as she says and balance with my elbows. I am in so much pain! Kuli comes to hold my hand as Mhan’ Singi prepares her things. She pulls off my damp underwear and puts it to the side.
‘Breathe…’ Kuli urges. I already feel like I’ve depleted all my energy. My stomach is smeared with animal fat and she talks to my baby as she does it.
‘You’re about to enter a world where many will despise you because of what you carry and will be walking with. Come out of your mother’s womb with the protection of your ancestors and attitude of the wildcat that you are, young leopard’
I manage to make out some of the things she’s saying because she’s speaking very deep Tsonga here. I am a sweating mess. I just want this baby out of me. She urges me to raises my knees and I open my legs.
‘Here he comes. Push mommy’
I hold Kuli’s hand tighter and try to push him out.
‘Harder’
‘Again’
‘Push Mabontle’
I have to listen to these words for about half an hour. I almost panic when I don’t hear him cry.
‘Please tap him under his feet’ I advise. My heart is busy spinning out of control.
‘Relax’ Kuli says to me. How can she tell me to relax when my baby is not making a sound? Mhani Singi wraps him in a clean white towel and gets up – smiling nonstop. Kuli holds me down when I try to get up.
‘What’s happening? I want to see him’
I watch as Mhani Singi walks around the room, reciting clan names the same way she likes to do when she addresses Fikani, and telling him that he is welcome and at home. He starts crying and only then does she bring him to me and says,
‘Our babies usually do not waste time. That is why this was so quick’, like the proud mother that she is.
This is my baby? I’m officially a mom? Crazy business.
‘Congratulations sesi’ Kuli says, gently moving the towel away from his face so she can see him.
‘This is another Tlhari mus. I am not surprised!’ she laughs out loud after seeing his face and I join her.
‘Can his father come in now?’ I ask. I really wanted us to share this moment together but his tradition sternly forbids it.
‘Not yet. This little one has to take a bath first’ Mhan’ Singi answers. Tradition is weird because this man literally licks parts of me that nobody else gets to see but he can’t see the baby that just came out of me because he has womb liquids around him? I laugh internally because if I ever said this Mhani Singi would chop my head off.
CHATER 36
Start from the beginning
