𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞 ★ leah williamson

10 - this is me trying

"Stop lying, Ellie. You can be honest with me", she argued, and I knew she was right. Although my heart had sunken the first time she approached me on the topic, I'd quickly made peace with it as the only thing she'd asked was how she could help me, and whether I needed her to do anything. Like talk to Martina, or our team doctor, Carsten.

"It's just hard", I sighed, allowing myself to speak about it for the first time since the group stage of the Euros, when Poppi had first asked me.

The weight lifted off my shoulders at least partially when I felt Poppi rub my arm, her expression softening quickly.

"Do you want me to stay with you?", she asked, pointing to my plate, which, sadly, hadn't emptied itself magically.

"Wanna share?", I joked at the realization that there was no way I was going to get out of eating now, but Poppi didn't laugh, instead raising her eyebrows at me.

"Actually, yeah. Let me just find a fork", she offered, much to my surprise, and left me alone for a short instance as I stared my food down.

Dinner was filled with long breaths and breaks, few tears escaping my eyes and Poppi chatting about the most random things she could think of, keeping my thoughts occupied. I wondered whether or not Syd would question what'd take me so long, but then again I figured she had likely known what Poppi would do and left me alone on purpose, dragging Klara and Laura out with her.

By the time only a quarter of my food was left on the plate, I leaned back in my seat, taking another deep breath.

"Thanks", I mumbled, even though I couldn't decide whether I meant it or not, and discarded my fork onto the plate.

Poppi still looked at me.

"Now, tell me what's going on. I know there's something else bugging you."

She was right- of course. I usually didn't struggle as much, knowing I needed to control myself in front of the team and, most importantly, Martina. I often found excuses or ways to not eat, but I did so much more strategically, and most of the time, not even Poppi caught onto it. Today had been different, and she knew it.

"I just- I feel guilty. For leaving my family behind", I huffed, finally letting out the truth.

She looked at me, eyebrows furrowed.

"Why?"

"It's-", I didn't know how to explain.

"My parents are supportive, always. I know they were over the moon when I had the chance to go professional, although it hurt them that I had to leave so early. But Marik-"

"He doesn't support you?"

"I asked him if he'd be coming to our game. He said no", I breathed.

Poppi nodded understandingly.

"I honestly can't imagine how hard it must've been for you to be away from your family so much, but you made it, Ellie. You're here, in the national team, you almost won the Euros. It payed off. And if your brother can't realise that, then-"

I interrupted her.

"It's not his fault. I'm not angry with him, I'm angry with me. He has a right to be angry, I abandoned him."

My voice was shaky and tears sprung in my eyelids as I remembered how tightly he had hugged me when I'd first left, and how cold his expression was now.

"You didn't abandon him, you pursued your dreams. I'm sure your brother knows this, Ellie. He probably looks up to you so much", she attempted to cheer me up, but her words didn't mean anything to me. Poppi didn't know my family. She didn't know my brother.