Steps of Courage

Chapter 14

I showed my mom my latest task. I got a B. Mom tried to act happy, but the air was filled with unspoken frustration. The room was slowly preparing itself for the battle zone it was soon to become. 

"Katie, I don't understand why you're struggling." Mom says, disapprovingly, "College is supposed to be the best time of your life, and you're not even excelling."

I was visibly distressed, but tried to keep my cool. 

"Mom, it's not that easy." I muttered, "College is challenging, and I'm doing my best."

"Your best isn't good enough." Mom says, impatiently, "We invested in your education, and you need to make the most of it. You've always been a straight-A student; why is that changing now?"

I felt the weight of my mother's expectations slamming onto my shoulders, making it difficult to stand. I struggled to find the right words to express my emotions to my mom. 

"I'm not the same person I was in high school." I said, teary-eyed. "I'm learning and growing, but you're making it hard for me."

My mom became frustrated and raised her eyebrows at me. 

"Hard for you?" Mom asked, harshly, "Katie, I just want what's best for you. Is that too much to ask?"

My frustration started to boil over. 

"It's not about what's best for me; it's about what's best for you!" I yelled, angrily, "You want this perfect daughter who meets all of your expectations, but I can't be that person anymore."

Tears started streaming down my face as I finally aired my feelings that have been suppressed for years. 

"I sacrificed so much for you, Katie." Mom said, defensively, "I just want to see you succeed."

I wiped at the tears and felt a mixture of anger and sadness. 

"Success doesn't mean perfection." I said, my voice breaking with each word, "I need you to understand that."

The room fell silent. My mom refused to agree so I just silently nodded. 

"Okay, if that's how you feel I'll just go." I said, before running to my room and closing the door. 

I flopped onto my bed, feeling so emotionally drained and I wished for the mother-daughter connection that Alexa had with her mom. I went to my window, and I could see into their kitchen. The curtains were open and I could see Alexa's mom making dinner, she was laughing and dancing. Then Alexa comes in, also laughing. I watch - in longing - as they dance together before Alexa helps her to make dinner. I went to the top of the stairs and saw my mom on the couch, she was watching TV, the smell of burning plastic in the air. 

"Mom?" I asked, and she paused whatever she was watching, "Can you smell that?"

"I'm making lactose free, carb free lasagna." she says, not even looking at me. 

Her voice was harsh even though the conversation was casual. 

"Are you sure it should smell like that?" I asked, concerned. 

"If you know so much about cooking, how about YOU go check on it." she shouted, before unpausing the show. 

I blinked fast - I'm not good with confrontation - and went into the kitchen. The smell only got stronger. I looked inside the oven and mom had used a PLASTIC BOWL as the dish to bake the lasagna in. 

"MOM!" I screamed, "ITS GONE EVERYWHERE. YOU CAN'T USE PLASTIC IN THE OVEN."

I grabbed towels and tried to take the sloppy mess of burnt plastic and meat out of the oven. 

"Mom, can I have some help?" I asked, trying to mop up the cheese from inside the oven and floor. 

"That's your dinner, figure it out." Mom says, before going into her room. 

What the fuck. My dinner was melted plastic and uncooked meat? I threw it into the bin and then tried my best to clean the oven out. Once I got as much as I could off the tray and bottom of the oven I went into my room with another ice cream. This is quickly turning into a common theme. 

Later that night I smelt pizza. I came downstairs and mom was sitting at the table with a pizza in front of her. 

"The oven isn't clean." She said, bluntly. 

"Mom. I tried my best but the plastic burnt into ash." I said, going for a slice of pizza. 

"I said your dinner was the lasagna," mom said, slapping my hand away. "If you can't eat that then you don't deserve to eat anything."

I stood in shock. She was trying to poison me. 

"Mom, it's toxic, I can't eat it." I said, and she just shrugged, "Oh my god, you're unbelievable."

"Just for that you don't get breakfast either." mom said, closing the door to the kitchen. 

"M-Mom, you can't stop me from eating..." I said. 

"As long as you live under my roof I can do whatever I want." mom said, putting a PADLOCK on the kitchen door and putting the key into her pocket. 

I stormed upstairs. I was a grown woman, but my mom still acted as if she had full control of me. My only chance for food was Alexa's house. I texted her asking if they were done eating. She said there were leftovers, but they were for her brother who wasn't home yet. I asked if there was any food left for me, and she said no. That definitely wasn't true but I let it go. I heard mom storm upstairs, throw something at my door before going into her own. I flinched at the sound of the object slamming against the door. There was no way I was going to sit there and listen to that while starving, so I went to sleep.