Steps of Courage

Chapter 2

My first class was so nerve wracking. I clutched my arms like they were a lifeline as I entered the lecture hall for my first class of the day. The room buzzed with conversations as small groups formed all around me. I looked around at them all and felt so out of place, there didn't seem to be a single person that didn't have a group yet... except me. 

I took a seat in the back, making sure to be unnoticeable in the sea of faces. I took notes as the professor started the lecture and tried my best to focus on his words. But I couldn't help but glance at the people around me, all helping each other with the work and sharing notes. I looked back down at my notes again, not so confident in them anymore. 

The lecture finished and I grabbed my stuff, ready to escape the room and go through the torture all over again in the next class, when I spotted a group of girls. As I walked past them I heard them talking about forming a study group, and I don't know what came over me but I went over to them. Maybe this was my one and only chance to make some friends. 

I stepped towards the group and they all stopped talking, and my anxiety intensified. They stared at me, waiting for me to either leave or say something. So I wiped my hands on my skirt and mustered as much courage as I could. 

"Hi, uhm, I heard you guys talking about a study group, and, well, I was hoping I could join?" I stammered. 

The girls shared awkward glances and I stood there nervously, waiting for a response. I felt my ears go pink as the embarrassment crawled across my skin. 

"Sorry, it was kind of just 'from our high school thing'." one of the girls said, and I tucked my hair behind my ears, embarrassed.

"Oh, uhm, yeah, I completely understand, so sorry for bothering you!" 

I turned and ran out of the room, straight outside to catch my breath before going to my next class. 

I nervously approached the next lecture theater, my heart pounding. I saw the same groups in this class too, and I hesitated at the door. No one would notice if I just went home now would they? Except for Alexa. I promised her I would go the whole day, I couldn't let her down. I took a deep breath, and walked into the theater.

I took a seat at the back again, avoiding the gaze of any of the groups. I tried to take notes but I couldn't focus, so I messaged Alexa. 

Me: I can't do it, I'm sorry

Alexa: What do you mean?

Me: I tried Lex, I really did

Me: But it's too much, I'm going home.

I got up, and walked out of the theater. I hated waiting for Alexa's response, I knew she would be upset, but I needed to get out of there.

Once I got home I checked my phone and sure enough there was a message from Alexa. 

Alexa: Okay, but I'll need an explanation once I'm home. 

I sighed and flopped backwards onto my bed. I placed my phone onto my bedside table and emailed the professors I missed classes with to get the material to work from home on. I explained my anxiety and luckily they all understood and sent me the work with no further questions. It was a relief to have this kind of support and understanding compared to the teachers at my high school. 

Once Alexa came home I gave her a run down of what happened, and she appreciated me trying to stay, but still hoped I would still go tomorrow. I said I would see how I felt in the morning.