Read Between the Lines

Chapter 18: Endless bumpy road

"You okay?" she brought herself to ask and the latter just sighed as she tightened her grip on her waist.

Good, she thought. Because it meant she wasn't ready to let her go just yet. Maybe she was overthinking this too much out of the same old and frustrating insecurity that seemed to never shut up inside her head.

"Yeah. I pulled an all-nighter to finish some papers, but I'm fine."

She looked up at her through her lashes, suddenly she was more confident in her plan. She thought they both needed this. A rest. To both unwind a bit and to find the spark between them that they'd seemed to lose on the way. A little fun was a good idea.

"You know," she bit her lip as she spoke, "I was thinking. Since our anniversary is the same day as the graduation, I think it's better if we can celebrate it over the weekend. I got us tickets to the Blackpink concert that me and Freen talked about and I also booked us a room in Okada since Becky's bother offered to pay for it. I know it's a bit of a short notice, but I wanted to surprise you. And then, I was planning to come home in Bangkok for a month or two. Do you want to come with me? Or do you want me to move in first and settle everything in your place before flying? What do you say???"

Now.

Now it was when Michelle's grip on her loosened. As soon as she felt it, she wanted to grab her hands and keep them steady on her waist, glue them there so her touch could never falter again. She knew this feeling already. It was the feeling you have when you grab a handful of sand and you let it slip between your fingers. But then, all you could do was watch it slip, thinking how easy it is.

And how easy it was for Michelle to slip away, to let go.

She tried to forced a nervous laughter, though panic immediately settling in the midst of her chest and her mind started playing scenarios of how this conversation would end.

"Pinkie promise, Love... I will not to get you drunk and make you sign a marriage contract." She joked but it wasn't effective because by the look on Michelle's face, she didn't seem to enjoy the joke, because her hands left her for good and she took a step back, her lips pursed in a tight line, eyes unfocused and emotionless, betraying nothing.

She saw her shoved her hands in her pockets as if she was trying to keep them as far away from her as possible and she started feeling her heart clenching as she swallowed hard and blinked back tears. She never thought of holding it back this time.

"Oh," she shot her a tight smile regardless of the tears that fell in her face. "You don't like it, don't you?"

"It's not that," Michelle said plainly as she rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly, averting her gaze. "It's just that... It's just that you should've told me about this beforehand before making plans. I have plans for us too you know and was about to discuss it with you."

Her voice turned sharp and cold, colder than she had ever heard it before, and suddenly she didn't know who this stranger standing before her, but it definitely wasn't her Michelle. Her Michelle would've never hurt her knowingly and deliberately like this, with so little regard for her feelings. She didn't know where this was coming from, but she could tell the girl was a thousand miles away and she did not know the way to reach her at this point.

"I'm sorry, I thought—" she tried to explain herself, scolding her own pride for hiding away in a dark corner and letting her make a fool of herself like this.

"Yeah, you thought. But you don't know what I thought. Sometimes, you can try asking me first Anntonia." She cut her off, raising her voice and making her flinch. She knew she noticed it, but she didn't show it. "It's always what you thought that matters. And you know I'm not the kind of person who does anniversaries. I thought we were on the same page on this."

She couldn't help but grit her teeth, feeling the anger that started to burn in the pit of her stomach as it replaced the hurt and the humiliation. She clenched her fists at her sides, both to keep them from slapping Michelle or to reach for her and beg her to stop acting like a jerk.

"We would've been if you'd just told me," she spat back but not meeting her eyes because she's afraid she'll forget her anger.

"And we would've been if you'd just asked. Actually, it would be easier if you try to communicate better with me. After what happened with Melissa, you've been quiet and I had to always guess what were you thinking! One day your fine, the next day you're not. I couldn't even open the door without think if that annoys you or not. And now, you're making plan without me? Just expecting me to say yes?!" The girl straight-up yelled.

She could only stand there and stare at Michelle wide-eyed. For two seconds, they did nothing but look at each other and struggle not to be swallowed by the silence. She went through the hurt and through the anger and through the disbelief so many times, back and forth, until she was left feeling numb. Feeling nothing at all while Michelle was breathing heavily, her eyes swimming in emotions she had never seen in them before and that she doubted if she, even herself understood.

Eventually, the girl shook her head, her features finally softening to make room for regret, but it was gone so soon she doubted she'd even seen it. And just like that, her expression was blank again.

"Look, I'm sorry," she whispered, her voice breaking just a little bit, almost imperceptibly. "I gotta go."

And just like that, she didn't wait for her reaction. She turned around so quick it was as though she could no longer bear to look at her. All for the good, she thought as she walked out the door. At least this way, her pride could let her have the small victory of the girl not having seen her cry again. And either way, she was too tired to keep being proud anymore, so she finally allowed herself to feel all the things she'd refused to feel and slid down the bed, her tears staining the robe she was about to wear on graduation.