Read Between the Lines

Chapter 16: I still want you

The girl shot her a smile, a sad and tired one, but it's a smile nonetheless, so she took it as a good sign.

"There's always time to be smart about it—"

"Mich," she cut her and her expression lost the last bit of humor and grew serious. "I'm fucking in love with you too. You hear me?!" She added in an impatient way that she didn't intend to. It's just that, all she could see was disbelief in Michelle's expression. As if she's thinking that she gone out of her mind.

"I heard it, Anntonia. And believe me, I'm happy to hear it. Really. But I'm just not sure it's enough."

She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, realizing that the girl had voiced out her greatest fear. That as much as they loved each other, in the end that wouldn't be enough to save their relationship. After all the fuck ups and messes, it doesn't always work on love alone. It took more things, like commitment, like trust, like so many others that she wasn't sure they had down just yet.

"I know. I know saying it wasn't enough at all. I should work on my trust too. I should've trust you more. And I'm sorry that I didn't put much attention on things you worked for in order for me to trust you. I know there's lines that you crossed for me and I should've seen that. But I swear, I want us to work too. I still have a long way to overcome and work on my issues but I know I want no one but you, Michelle. Even if it scares me sometimes, I still want you. Because I love you." She expressed and realized how much weight had gone as soon as those words came out. Her voice cracked a bit and started tearing up. The tears she couldn't stop from falling down no matter how she hated crying so much.

She saw Michelle sigh as she cupped her face, immediately wiping her tears with her thumbs before she put her arms around her and held her tight, kissing her in the forehead and rubbing her back like she was trying to fix this messy relationship molecule by molecule.

"We're really a mess, aren't we?" Michelle mused and despite herself, she couldn't help but agree.

"So bad at it."

Michelle pulled away just a bit, enough to rest her forehead against hers and to kiss the top of her nose. That gesture was so soft and full of love that it made her heart clench in the middle of her ribcage. She wished there were a best way to proclaim their love and make their relationship work through sheer power of will but maybe she was right; they're a mess. But nevertheless, this is the mess she couldn't shake, the mess she wanted and probably the most beautiful mess she ever made.

"So what do we do about it?" The girl asked and she shrugged, so helpless it left her out of breath.

"We just hope that love is enough for now?"

She saw the girl clench her jaw and she knew she'd said the wrong thing. For now. Those words she hated so much, the ones that put an expiration date on their relationship, the ones that made the future into a terrifying black hole, the ones that filled her with anxiety and uncertainty.

"For now," she repeated bitterly and she could only bury her face in her chest.

"I'm sorry, Love." she mumbled. "That's the most I can offer. I can't promise you that can immediately trust you blindly from now on because I know how I am. I know I won't be able to because it's always a step forward and two steps back for me. I know I will tend to do that along the way because it became my default. And you'll get mad at me because of it and I'll get mad at you because you love your freedom more than anything and that will give me reasons to doubt you. I'm not saying it's going to be easy but I will try very best from now so please be patient with me."