Read Between the Lines

Chapter 14: What if old habits never die?

She dramatically rolled her eyes and crossed her arms in front of her, pouting and pretending to get offended and Anntonia immediately pinched her cheek and poked her nose at the end.

"80 times per second??? Isn't that too exaggerated Anntonia Porsild? I really commend your confidence in thinking I'm whipped for you. Excuse me?"

Of course she is. Her Mom had always judged that old lifestyle of hers, the sleeping around and never settling down with one girl. And then Anntonia came and she go around telling every she's her girlfriend even though they both agreed not to put labels on them. But Anntonia is Anntonia, so she want nothing but to show her off. Not because she was her first serious relationship, but because she is... her Anntonia.

"You know Love? It's okay. If you're so whipped for me and you could not stop that feeling... I understand. I'm irresistible, I know. I will never judge you for that." Anntonia said, putting up a pity face as she softly tap the top of her hand and for a second, she just sat there and watch the girl playfully mock her.

She's her Anntonia and that was enough to make her question everything she'd ever known and to somehow be okay with that. It somehow finally made sense why it had never worked before with her and other girls. With Anntonia, everything felt right. Like a last piece of puzzle that complete her. She challenged her in every way and at the same time, they're equals. They felt the same way about each other, without one of them giving and the other taking. They tried to balanced each other out and it didn't make much sense in her head if she tried to put it into words, but it felt right. Everything.

"What?" The girl blinked at her, amused. "Why are you looking at me like that? Do I have something on my face?"

She just shook her head and smile softly.

"No. No... I just want to lookat you and see how perfect you are."

For maybe the first time since she'd met her, she had the satisfaction of seeing the girl blush so violently that her skin matched every hue of red she ever known. And they just spent a good couple of minutes there, still sipping on Pumpkin Spiced Lattes even now, a year later, looking at each other like nothing else mattered in the world. And it was just inevitable. Like when you lean backwards in your chair and, right before you fall, you know you're gonna fall and there's no way you can stop it, so you just brace yourself for the impact. It was like that. Like trying to stop a thunderstorm and there was just no way to keep it from happening.

Is this what they call LOVE? She asked herself but got no answer because how will she know?

Maybe? Maybe yes? Or no? But I hope it is.

As she looked at Anntonia like this right now, her cheeks flushed and right there, at that exact moment, she knew she's in love with her.

And then, time just stopped. And so is her world.

On one hand, it felt like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. Like the inability to admit it to herself had been holding her down and now she was floating up so high.

But on the other hand came the anxiety. She simply knew she wasn't good enough to be loving someone like her. And maybe if she's not what she was trying to prove to her that she isn't, Anntonia could never love her back. She was who she was and she'd spent a whole year disapproving of that. Then she realized she had nothing to offer. Even if she have , she knew she was too selfish to be willing to offer anything at all to anyone. That's her default. Maybe she wasn't really ready. And what she felt right now was overwhelmed. Like it had been easy just a second before, until it wasn't anymore.

And just like that, the balance shifted. She knew she was in love with Ann and thus became the one who was giving and made her the one who was taking. Even if she wasn't aware of it yet.