The formula one family [2]

Part 19:When you're on the verge of killing yourself

Carlos: Yeah, let her relax.

Me: I'm not even in the room anymore, I just took my water bottle

I walked downstairs back to the garage. I discussed some stuff with the team. "Hey, everything alright with Flora?", asked Carlos once we were done. "I didn't talk to her, it seems like she needed her time.", I said. "Alright.", said Carlos. "But I'm going to have to go to my room because we need to get ready. I opened the door, and used my flashlight from my phone to get ready. I zipped my race suit all the way up. I now just had to put on my shoes. "You know that you could have just told me to go away, right?", asked Flora. "You've been awake the whole time?", I asked. "Yeah, I was just listening to my music.", she said. "It's fine, you were relaxing for a bit, and I'm going to head out anyway.", I said. "Alright, thanks.", she said. I kissed her on her head. "Au revoir, mon chou. (See you later, my darling)", I said while walking away. "Au revoir.", she said back. I went back to the garage and put on my balaclava and my helmet. I said to my PR manager to keep an eye on my daughter.

Flora Formula

I kept relaxing. Until I got a message that the final practice was over. I stood up and walked through the paddock. I knew Jack was about to start his race, so I went to say goodbye to him. "Hey, good luck.", I said. We did our handshake. "I'm just hoping that I don't fuck it all up.", said Jack. "You won't, go get them.", I said. He went in his car, I walked back to the paddock. "Look who we have here.", said Nico. Why do I keep seeing this guy? "What's up?", I asked sighing. "Nothing, just going to interview some people.", he said walking bye. "Alright, why talk to me?", I said to myself. "Hey, how are you?", I heard behind me. It was uncle Kevin. "I'm fine.", I said. "Alright.", said uncle Kevin. "Come on, you're standing in the way of everyone.", said père Pierre behind me. He put me a bit out of the way. "Are you listening to music?", he asked. I was walking with him. I realized I still had my headphones on. I put them around my neck. "No, I just forgot to take it off.", I said. "Alright, sure you're fine?", he asked. No, I'm not. "Yep, 100%.", I said. He pushed me in an alley. "What did I say about lying?", he asked. "Père.", I said. "You need to stop helping, we can't help you.", said père. "I don't need help.", I said. "What's on your mind at the moment, and don't, don't lie.", said père. "I'm just thinking about training.", I lied. "See, you're lying again.", said père. "Alright, maybe I am, but I can handle it on my own.", I said. "Maybe you can, I have no doubt, but I'm your father, it's my job to help you.", he said. "Well, you can focus on your primary job, that's racing.", I said. "Well, you're more important.", said père. "I'm fine, I promise that I'm handling it.", I said. "Yeah, at what speed?", he asked. Walking speed. "Formula one speed.", I replied. He scoffed. "Stop lying.", said père. "I'm fine.", I said. "Then why are your eyes red, why haven't you talked to anyone, even your uncles have noticed it.", said père. "They have?", I asked. "Yes, it's because it's too much, we need to help.", said père. "No you don't.", I said walking past him. "Yes, I do. You are still a kid.", said père. "If I would have known, that you wouldn't be here anymore. I would have made the moments last a little longer. Cause now I'm alone, and you're just a memory in my mind. I would have given anything to say goodbye.", said père walking behind me. I stopped. "It's just a song.", I said. "Then why did you stop?", he asked. "Don't do this right now.", I said. "What? I thought you were fine?", he asked. I sighed. "See, you're not, you sang it. You're trying not to show it. But eventually it gets too much that everybody sees it.", said père. "It's just a damn song.", I said. "No, it isn't just a damn song. It's your number one song. And the fact that you know how to play it. And you know the full lyrics, that means that you relate to it.", said père. "Not now.", I said walking away. "Well, when? When are you going to tell everyone?", he asked. "Never, because there's nothing to be told!", I said. "Yes, there is, and you know when you're going to tell someone? When you're on the verge of killing yourself. If you didn't already do it.", said père. I was shocked. "Go to my room, I'll see you later.", he said. I ran to his room and broke down. Why did he say that? Crap, crap. Stop crying. Stop crying.

When you're on the verge of killing yourself.

The words kept repeating themselves.

When you're on the verge of killing yourself

Was I on the verge of killing myself? I didn't know. It would all be better. Nobody would get hurt. Nobody would die. And all the damn pain and responsibility and the freaking expectations are going to go away. Stop crying. Stop crying. Stop crying.

When you're on the verge of killing yourself.

Just like that, I felt something weird. The desire to go away. To leave this brutal world. But I promised my fathers I won't do it again. What if I just never come back? I wanted to go, but my body. It gave up. It didn't want to go anymore. It didn't want to anything anymore.

When you're on the verge of killing yourself.

Suddenly, someone came in the room. "It's alright.", he said trying to comfort me. "It's alright, keep going, I promise it helps.", he said again.

When you're on the verge of killing yourself.