If you say so

Chapter 1 (only chapter)

"If you say so."

Those words are stuck in my head, the last four words she ever said to me and I can't forget them. I stare up at the ceiling repeating those words, over and over, imagining the smile that would go with them when she saw me rolling my eyes at her.

I grab my phone off the nightstand and stare at the screen, the picture of us lighting up, causing me to let out a sob because I'll never get to see her face again, her brown eyes or her perfect smile. I'll never get to hear her voice again; she'll just be a memory to me. I unlock my phone, go on to my contacts and dial her number; even though I know she won't answer I still ring her, just to hear her voice on her voicemail.

"I either can't be bothered to pick up the phone, or I don't want to talk to you. Whatever, you know what to do."

I smile to myself as I hear her giggling, knowing that she was giggling because I hit her over the head with a pillow and told her that she couldn't have that as her voicemail. She just shrugged and then mumbled something about how it could've been worse.

I end the call, placing my phone on my chest and then leaning against the headboard, still expecting my phone to ring, her ringtone blasting out. Expecting her to call back because she missed my call, because she always used to miss my calls, and then she'd have to call me back. complaining about how she always has to waste her minutes calling me. I'd retaliate by saying that it's her fault for not picking up when I called her in the first place.

I just want to see her face, I want to see the sparkle in her eyes when the sun shines in them at the perfect angle, making the dark brown turn into light hazel. Making her gaze warm and inviting, I just want to see her smiling at me, I want her to walk through the door, grinning at me and telling me that it was just one of her stupid pranks, and that she hasn't actually left me.

I'd just slap her chest and cry against her because she's back, my girl is back, but that's not going to happen, she's gone and she's not coming back. I'm alone, without her I'm alone and I will never find someone thats as good as her.

I can't sleep, but the only time I've gotten out of bed is when I need to shower. I've not eaten any actual food in six days, I've survived on granola bars and chips. The wrappers are haphazardly thrown on the floor.

My eyes are beginning to sting, the mixture of not sleeping and crying too much, no doubt my eyes are bloodshot. I don't care though because what's the point in attempting to look at least a tiny bit presentable if she's not going to be here. I don't care what anyone else thinks about me, she was the only one whose opinion mattered to me.

I pick up my phone and dial her number again, just to hear her voice again, but this time I leave a message, knowing that no one is going to hear it.

"I either can't be bothered to pick up the phone, or I don't want to talk to you. Whatever, you know what to do."

"Why did you have to leave me? Why couldn't you have stayed with me, not gone out that day and not taken that many drugs, not drank too fucking much. You left me, I'm alone and I don't know what to do. Why did you have to leave me this way?! I didn't realise until after you left me how much my life revolves around you!" I scream into my phone, wiping the tears off my face, I almost expect her to mumble something under her breath.

"I want to hate you for leaving me, I want to hate you for not thinking about what you were doing when you drank as much as you did. But I can't hate you because I love you too much. You're a idiot you know that right."

If she was here she'd mumble something about how I'm right about her being an idiot.

"I love you more." I whisper into my phone, letting the tears drip off my face and on to her t-shirt that I'm still gripping on to. "If you say so." I mumble, ending the call and then throwing my phone down on the bed.

I need to get out of bed, I need to have a shower and I need to put clean clothes on. I need to get my shit together because she's not coming back to me; I need to learn to live without her because the rest of my life is going to be like this. I push myself up, kicking the bed sheets off me and lying her t-shirt down in the middle of the bed before standing up, running my fingers through my hair and then walking towards the window. I open the curtain, squinting because I've been sat in the dark for the past six days, my eyes are no longer used to light.

I let out a sigh and then walk towards the bathroom that's connected to the bedroom, pushing the door open and then stepping inside. Shutting the door and then leaning against it, locking it behind me before pulling my hoodie over my head and then dropping it on the ground, sliding my sweats down my legs and then turning the shower on.

I stare at the wall in front of me, listening to the water hitting the bottom of the bath before I step into the shower, letting the water pour over my body, washing away six days of tears and sweat. I run my fingers through my hair as the water runs down my body. I go to grab my shampoo and end up picking hers up.

I glance down at my hand, dropping it and then leaning against the wall as more tears roll down my face, mixing with the water from the shower as I slide down the wall. Leaning my head back and placing my hands over my eyes, letting more tears roll down my cheeks as I begin to shake. I shut my eyes and just let the water hit me.

She's gone, she's really gone.

I cant stop shaking. I cant breathe. this cant be real, but it is. I cant do this anymore, I cant even close my eyes without seeing her face and hearing her voice.

Seven days since I've seen her. Seven days since I've heard her all so familiar voice. Seven days since I have felt her arms wrap around me.

Im sitting on the ground in my shower because I have lost my everything, my best friend.

I get up and I dry myself off, I put my sweats and a shirt on. I don't know how to feel. My brain is shutting down but I can still hear it screaming. Im filled with anger. Im looking in the mirror. I see nothing because Im nothing without her. I punch the mirror and glance down at my hand. I just want to feel, but I cant. This is taking over my body. I have no purpose anymore. All I needed was her, I don't have the only thing I have ever wanted.

I open the shattered mirror and grab the pill bottle. I cant do this anymore, I was put here to be with my best friend. I slide down the wall and stare at the bottle. I dial her number again.

"I either can't be bothered to pick up the phone, or I don't want to talk to you. Whatever, you know what to do."

I leave a message like always.

" Im sorry. I need you here. I love you so much. I need to be with you. See you soon. I love you. 'If you say so' I mumble"

I open the bottle and grab a handful of pills. Not caring what kind they were I swallow them. I can slowly feel them start to work. I shut my eyes and mumble 'If you say so'.