1.
"Dil hai Kahin, aur dhadkan kahi"
Zoya
How could one be so heartless, so self-absorbed, so egotistical in one's own right, that they can't see the world around them. That they can't feel the emotions of those hurting.
That they can't feel. Period.
The more I think about it, the more it boggles my mind. Being in Mangalpur was an outer body experience and the trauma associated with it hasn't even begun to unfold itself. Clearly. My hands still shiver every time I think back on it.
I occasionally still wake up bathed in sweat, wondering if I am still under the ground. Shovels in face. Cruel triumphant smiles in the air.
It messed me up, in all different and special ways.
Especially the aftermath.
It wasn't much of a surprise he had come back. I know him enough by now to know that he would do that. He may be the rigid moral police, but he is also responsible and looks after people in his family, however heartless he might get towards the 'outsiders'.
It made sense that he came back. Something had to be done about the guilt; afterall living with oneself knowing that you drove someone's fate to a final end on this planet must be the hardest weight to bear. At least for people with conscience. And I don't imagine anyone wants to live with that.
But it was in the way... the way that he came back. The way he had held me to his chest and kissed the top of my head like I belonged there. That he would have lost his mind if not for finding me.
It scares me more than I'd ever been scared.
Mangalpur changed us. Whatever dynamics he and I had prior to leaving, they are no longer there. Whatever boundary we had is no longer present. He pretends often that I'm invisible and there is a wall separating us, but the truth of the matter is that there just... isn't. He is lying to himself, and he is lying to me.
We have changed, Asad.
But it had to take my death for him to take me seriously?
Seriously?! That is some other kind of non chalant. And stupid. And khadoos.
What kind of person does that make him?
And now adding to the injury, what kind of person does it make him to avoid Miriam at the moment. Someone who is so in need, of food, of shelter, of protection, of everything.
True, he is looking out for his family; Phuphi, Najma, maybe perhaps even me.
But there are rules to humanity and no amount of fear should trump those rules. Those are the beliefs that I was brought up with.
And looking at Phuphi, it seems like he was given the same upbringing, but he just never wants to follow it.
It is sad, his small heart and small mind sometimes.
"Wouldn't you have helped her, if she was Najma?!" I'd screamed at him last night.
"Exactly, you need to get it in your thick skull, that I have a Najma to look after. An Ammi to look after. A family to protect, cater for. And..." he'd run a frustrated hand through his black hair "And I can't believe you are the one saying all these things. Do you have no self - preservation? How irresponsible are you? Do you not remember anything?! Do you really think they would leave us alone and not come after every single one of us if we play hide and seek with those criminals. They are hardened criminals, Miss Faaroqui and you are NOT living in a fantasy world. Wake up and face the reality. You will get yourself and all of us killed if you continue down this path."
