Beyond the Iris: A Stargate Story

Chapter 16

He looked up at me through the glasses that rested in the center of his nose and his jaw clenched.

"Are you busy?" My voice came out saccharinely sweet in an attempt to cover my own nerves. "The weather is unseasonably warm today. 50's in February calls for a field trip outside to get lunch."

"I am in the middle of something." He said plainly and went back to scribbling away.

"In an hour then? I hear there is a food truck that is parked up nearby and funny enough Teal'c was wanting to check it out. I think the idea of a food truck is a novel concept to him. I bet you could help me convince him to take a break from combat practice." Using a mutual friend as a pawn was not beneath me at this point. I stepped closer to the desk and he refused to look up, but he stopped writing. He just sat there staring down at his notes rolling the pen in his hand.

"No thanks."

"I can get you something then and bring it back?" I took another step closer. 

"I'm good." His forced answers and lack of any emotion triggered something in me that I tried to tamper down with a deep breath, but instead it fueled the fire in the pit of my stomach.

"What is this?" I asked bluntly, hearing my own wavering voice and I hated myself for it. Hating how weak and sad I was. How I sounded so pathetic reaching for answers.

"I've just been busy."

"I'm aware, we all are, you especially, but it feels like you've been actively avoiding me since our Christmas incident?"

"Don't push it." He grit down harder and his brows furrowed. This wasn't like him. This wasn't Daniel, this was a shell of the man that I knew.

"But then you brought back chocolate oranges just as I asked, postcards from the airport. I even got some in the mail a few weeks ago that you sent every day you were gone. You've been trapped in this cave of yours. I thought maybe you'd want someone, anyone, to drag you out." He said nothing back, but the change in my voice brought his head up. Dark circles under his eyes looked back into my soul, into the fire that was burning in me to yell at him to get up, to do something, to laugh and smile again. "Maybe we can even talk about where we stand. Because you, you have been kind of a real jerk as of lately." I wasn't wrong. I felt his hot stares across the hallway, but his blank face during meetings and his obvious ignoring of me day to day was taking a toll. Silence filling the air between us. The longer he looked at me, calculating and quiet, sitting in his chair, my rage grew throwing my conflict resolution plans out the door.

"So nothing then? Great." I took in a breath knowing I was going to tear down every wall I had built up. "I have been pretending that I'm okay with only being friends, but you won't even give me the decency of that. We haven't had a conversation in weeks. I risked my job here, my life, to save you because I cared about you, and I deserve to have some sort of clarity on what I am to you. A friend? An easy fuck? Some pathetic coworker willing to constantly throw myself at you like an idiot?" I was on a rampage now and couldn't stop, even if the scared part of me was begging to be quiet. To let him sulk alone, just so I wouldn't be hurt again. He stood up from his desk, blue eyes ablaze, and started walking towards me. In embarrassment I backed away, my loafers stumbling against the stacks of books cluttering the floor around us but he walked slowly, swiftly like a predator cornering me against the room. An angry flush prickled against my skin.I felt my breath grow shaky as my eyes stung from keeping my frustration away.
"That night together was clearly a mistake to you, and I get it." I felt the embarrassment of my realization flood through me, "why would you want me? Emotions probably got the best of you, you needed to blow off steam, but just so you know, that night was everything me." My back hit the wall as he continued walking toward me slowly. His strong grip on my wrist caught me off guard pinning me down. I could feel the sharp intake of breath my lungs gave as his face was only inches from me. The pit in my stomach clenched, my pulse thrummed in my wrists letting him feel my drive for him and yet I still couldn't stop aching. Here when he so clearly resented me and I didn't know why, my treacherous body begged to press against him, to let him use me for whatever reasons he needed.

"Stop, please." His face was unreadable, his voice strained. "I was content with being alone. My work piling up and keeping me company, and then you came along and made me rethink everything, every choice. Days, months, of mindlessly torturing myself to keep from even looking at you across the hall every goddamn day. You have undone me, ruined me for everything and everyone."

I squirmed against him trying to break free. "Ruined you? Fuck you Daniel Jackson, you have destroyed me." My words spilled out in venomous lashes. I was hurt, I was angry, the audacity that he could be upset with me when all I have ever done is want him to want me in return. "I have sat in that office for a year now, falling in love with you and just praying for at least friendship in return."

"Eleanor," he let go of my wrists and stepped back, "you were almost gone. Janet had to restart your heart, and I watched knowing I lived because you thought my life was more important than any consequences you would face. I cannot have you trade your life for mine." He took in another steadying breath, "your friendship will never be good enough for me, but I am not deserving of more. If I could make you hate me enough, maybe then you will be safe." His words were rough, scraping against his own throat not wanting to be released. Even now, his eyes fixated on mine, and he drew his mouth into a tight line to keep from speaking more.

In contrast my stupid mouth hung agape as a frustration finally broke free. "It isn't your job to keep me safe, and this savior complex of yours isn't helping." His hands moved to cradle my confused face, fingers lightly tracing over my skin, the pad of his thumb wiped an escaping tear.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and I saw the anguish there in him as well.

My lips were trembling, I wasn't sure if it was from anger or fear, but in a swift motion his mouth was a promise against mine and I moved with him giving way. As gentle as the first time, but when he felt me nudge back, he claimed me in the wants that had driven him. Tongue coating mine, bodies crushed against the wall, desire coursing through the charged air. He reached behind and unclipped my hair, letting my head rest softly in his hands, fingers intertwined in the loose waves and tugging me in. His mouth trailed down my neck and I leaned on him, bunching my hands into his shirt pulling him deeper against me. Each embrace on my skin was a warming static charging the core of wanton cravings. I ran my hands through his tousled hair. His arms clutched me tightly, lifting my body onto the table beside us and tugging the chiffon shirt over my head. His embrace was scalding to my senses as his mouth traced along every curve and peak. I clutched the sides of the wooden desk that held me and rolled my head as he came up to the edge of my jaw. This feeling of his body with mine was both a comfort I could not have imagined and the deepening of crushing need. Hands gripped my hips as my legs were wrapped around his and I cursed my choice of wool trousers this morning.

"Don't play with me Jackson," I breathed in between his lips and a carnal laugh erupted.

"I am wholly devoted to you," his mouth brushed against mine again as a knock broke through his door.

He ignored it as I began to lift the black t-shirt skimming along his waist. I wanted to taste him, all of him, but the knock continued louder. "Damnit, I'm busy, come back later!"

"It's the stone Dr. Jackson," a voice shouted back. "They found it." He snapped his head back to the door. Hair a tousled mess, glasses lost on the floor, lips swollen and shirt untucked. He looked positively, deliciously mine.

"Give me 5 minutes and I'll be there." His voice was course and he turned back to me.

"I understand."

"It's not..."

"It is." I cut him off. I felt a laugh bubble up from me. Of course now that I finally felt whole again, I was reminded the universe was still in chaos. "Not to be too cliche but, the Galaxy is calling."

He kissed my forehead and I felt another tear roll down my cheek. I swiped it away before he could notice, and he helped slip my shirt on before putting his jacket back over his arms. "This," he smiled, "this isn't over."

"My house tonight. I'll make dinner, you bring dessert." I tapped his nose with my finger and he grinned. "Call me when you're on the way." I watched him rush out and down the hall as I melted into the desk.

"Unscheduled off-world activation." The alarms rang through the halls quickly reminding me to compose myself because I was in a top secret government underground bunker designed for intergalactic space travel after all. I collected a few books off the floor that had tumbled from the table and neatly stacked them back. Took in a deep breath, clipped my hair in place, and strode into my office as calmly and put together as possible.