When the Tide Switches - Rafe Cameron

Chapter 33- What The Fuck

"Lillian, what's wrong? Why the fuck are you in this state and why is Rafe locking himself in his room and being all rude again all of a sudden did you guys break up?" Sarah said and I laughed. He's the mad one. He's the fucking mad one? 

"Lil, what are you laughing at?" Sarah said, seeing right through my act. 

"Rafe cheated on me," I said. Sarah's expression softened and the stressed one she was wearing was replaced by a pitiful yet mad one. 

"He what?" she said. 

"Yeah, he did, with a girl named Lola," I said, trying to avoid eye contact and looking at the floor. 

"Oh Lil," Sarah said and hugged me tight. 

"No it's fine, we weren't serious," I lied. 

Yes, we were fucking serious, he felt like home to me, like a shelter from any rain or like a safe space in which I could drop any mask I was wearing that day. With him everything fell into place, the hatred just left all of a sudden and got replaced with love. True love. Love that I had never experienced before. But love hurts. It hurts so much. And now I was left with a void that only he could fill. He was the missing piece to my happiness, and he wasn't coming back, I wouldn't allow him to. 

"Lil," Sarah said. "No, don't 'Lil' me, it's fine, it doesn't even matter, I guess it was just a chapter and now it's over anyways so whatever time to move on," I said, tears escaping my eyes. 

"Lil, I want to believe you but we both know you're lying," Sarah said, trying to get me to look at her. A long silence followed that phrase. 

It consisted of me looking around in my room, every corner reminded me of him. I looked at my body and even that had his face all over it, the way he would hold it, the way he would kiss it, cherish it, the way I thought he loved it. 

But he never did. he never loved me. You don't lie to someone you love, you don't betray them and the trust they gave you. 

All of a sudden I started crying, and I'm talking waterworks. "I'm so confused Sarah, I really loved him," I sobbed and she hugged me so tight. "You'll get through it Lil, you always do." Sarah said and I shook my head. 

"No I'm not, you know everything with Daniel? This hurts more," I said. It did. It hurt ten times more. 

"I will be right back," Sarah said, storming out of my room. Where was she going?

Play This is what the drugs are for by Gracie Abrams during Rafe's POV

Rafe's POV:

Life without Lillian was so fucking bad. She was the one to make me want to get out of my house and do things, and without her, I had no motivation anymore, and no goals. 

The essay for Brown was due in about two days and I had no intention in submitting it, I had finished writing it but I didn't want to apply anymore, it wasn't worth it. The essay prompt they had given me was: 'Who made you grow the most intellectually and ethically speaking?' My essay was about Lillian, and how much she taught me over our relationship, so applying with that essay would only remind me more of Lillian and of what we used to have. 

Lillian was the light to my dark, the sun to my moon, and the only person that ever made me feel anything. 

With her I felt like I was enough, I felt loved, I felt cared for, without her, I simply didn't feel.