Watch Me Drown

31. Soundcheck

(Abby's point of view)

"Is this super loud?" Phoebe said into her microphone, then did a few guitar strums.

I winced and nodded.

"Like you're going to lose your hearing but you don't regret it?" She asked.

I nodded again.

"Perfect." Lucy laughed.

We were in MGM Music Hall, doing soundcheck for their show that night. I was sitting in the middle of the floor, and Maxine was waddling around me. I was in charge of her for the day, while the boys did rockstar stuff. I couldn't have been happier.

"I brought you earplugs," Julien told me, and her voice echoed through the entire venue. "If you want them."

Of course she had. I smiled, ran to the stage, and she crouched down to hand them to me.

"I haven't been at barricade in a long time." I teased.

Julien grinned. I returned to my spot on the floor, and Maxine sat in my lap.

"Alright," Phoebe said when everything was situated. "Shall we?"

"We shall." Lucy agreed.

"This one's dedicated to you, Abby, for...obvious reasons." Julien laughed a little.

They started playing "Abigail" by Frankie Cosmos. I laughed. The lights had gone down, besides the spotlights on them, so they couldn't see me very well. I watched them, mesmerized. The boys had an amazing stage presence. They were funny, but then serious, then emotional. They gave their fans a good show. I've seen videos and photos. Fans cry and laugh and scream and hug and kiss each other. It was beautiful. Maybe one of the most incredible communities I had ever seen.  

They practiced their new song "Black Hole" and then they were done. We grabbed lunch, and then went back to the hotel so they could rest and I could get ready. I was in the bathroom, balanced on the counter, doing some makeup, when Lucy wandered in. We were all sharing one room. There were two beds, so Lucy and Phoebe shared one, and then me and Julien shared one. Phoebe made us swear up and down that we wouldn't do anything. We obviously wouldn't have, but Phoebe still made us, and Lucy found the whole thing funny, and I will do anything to hear Lucy's laugh. The sound always made me so happy.

"Is it weird for you," Lucy asked me. "Being here, in Massachusetts?"

I thought for a moment before answering.

"Not really." I told her. "It has only felt weird when we passed Fenway Park. There's a lot of memories there."

My father was a big baseball dude. At least for the team that played there. He very rarely got tickets, but when he did, it was a big deal. I didn't like the games. It was too loud. I've never liked screaming and yelling.

"Good ones?" Lucy ventured.

"Some." I smiled a little at the recollection of my grandmother taking me to "get some food" and actually hiding with me in a quiet place for the rest of the game.

"You and Julien are seeing your family for a few days after MSG, right?" Lucy questioned.

The smile slid off my face.

"Yes," I said faintly. "Unless we come up with a good excuse not to."

She frowned at my answer, then placed a hand on my back and rubbed my tense shoulders. "It'll be alright."

"I'm holding you to that." I vowed.

"You know what?" She offered. "Let's make a bet."

"What?" I laughed.

"I bet you fifty dollars that Julien yells before either of your parents do."

I laughed again. "Okay. I bet you fifty dollars that my mother will lecture me within the first hour."

"Not fair!" Lucy exclaimed. "It is a known fact that she will lecture you as soon as she gets the chance! I'm not accepting this bet."

"Fine!" I giggled. "I bet you sixty dollars that we will last three whole days."

"Three days?! And only sixty dollars?!"

"One hundred dollars, no matter who wins."

"Deal." She extended her hand. 

I shook it. "Deal."

What was the worst that could happen in only three days?

***

(Julien's point of view)

I was a wreck. I paced the dressing room, tugging on my tie with shaking hands. Phoebe was finishing up her makeup, Lucy was on her phone, and Abby was playing with Maxine. My head was a mess. It was our first show back on tour, so surely I'd be a little rusty. I would totally fuck something up. And I'd seen the crowd. The entire venue had sold out within an hour! So many people would see or hear my screw up. I took the advice I always gave Abby when she was anxious, and did some deep breaths, but my mind always went back to worrying.

"Ten minutes, ladies!" Someone announced as they speed walked by.

We all cringed at what they'd called us.

"Since we have a few minutes," Phoebe turned to Abby. "Want some sparkly eyeshadow?"

"Of course I want sparkly eyeshadow, Phoebe." Abby said, then sat in Phoebe's chair. Phoebe went to work.

Our photographer, Ashley Gellman, was in and out of the room, taking action shots of us getting ready. I heard a camera click, and sure enough, they were in the doorway, snapping a photo of Phoebe doing Abby's makeup. They disappeared after a few clicks.

"Three minutes!"

"Just tell us when it's time to actually go!" I blurted.

The person hadn't heard me. They were just passing by. The others had heard me though, obviously. They looked at me, concerned. I went back to pacing.

Lucy and Phoebe left the room before me. They were giving me a moment alone with Abby.

"Julien," Abby said the second they left. "What's wrong?"

"Hm?" I hummed. I was playing dumb. Maybe I didn't want to admit that I was stressing out over a show.

"You're really anxious." She put her hands on my shoulders. "Talk to me."

When your girlfriend says talk, you talk.

"Just nervous about the show." I sighed.

"Julien, you're going to be great! You always are!" She reassured me. "And I'll be fine."

I'd forgotten about her sickliness. Even though I was worrying about something else, I realized that it had felt nice to forget.

"C'mon, people!" Phoebe stuck her head in the room. "We have songs to sing, a crowd full to the brim with gays to entertain! I see pride flags, and not the tiny ones!!!"

Abby grabbed my face and kissed me, hard. I kissed her back, until Phoebe yelled from the hallway.

"I love you." I told Abby as I left.

She blew me a kiss. Me, Phoebe, Lucy, and someone working there ran through the hallway, toward the stage. I slung my guitar over my head, and got my guitar pick from my pocket. Lucy was handed a microphone, and we all crowded around it to sing. I could hear "The Boys Are Back In Town" fading. No time to worry now. A camera was lifted. We started singing "Without You Without Them" and I was performance Julien Baker. Performance Julien played guitar easily and sang big, moving songs. Performance Julien didn't wonder if her girlfriend was conscious. Performance Julien just performed.

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Performance Julien sounds like Ken lol.

While writing the last few updates, I forgot about "the rest" ep, so that's why they haven't talked about it. It will still happen!