In the Shadow of Seventh year

Chapter 24: Conversation and Compassion

"I really love and care for all of you, including Garreth, Nerida and Anne of course." You felt the need to add that since they weren't here right now.
"And even though I didn't mean to, I did something stupid." Poppy let out a huff in agreement.
   "I thought I could handle it by myself, but as it turns out, I cannot." The urge to look down at your hands instead of the faces of your friends was almost too much, but you needed to show them you were sincere.

"I've been alone for fifteen years." A slight tremble betrayed your feelings as you said those words and realized just how true that statement was. You never really thought of it that way, but it was the truth.
   "Growing up in an orphanage, even though I got along with some of the children and Madam Price did her best to take care of us, I never really made any friends there. I didn't have a family and the kids didn't feel like my siblings. Just as Madam Price didn't really feel like a mother. It was more like we were all in the same boat and had to make do with what we got."
   There were only a handful of children that were in that orphanage as long as you were, the others either getting adopted quickly or arriving fresh when you were already a teenager.

"When Professor Fig found me, I was hesitant at first and then overjoyed when I learned about the Wizarding World and Hogwarts." A sad smile formed on your face as you reminisced those times and feelings.
   "I was so ready to go to Hogwarts, even though it was scary too, since I was late and I knew everyone most likely already had close friends, but I still hoped to fit in somewhere."

"But then the dragon attacked and me and Professor Fig were literally thrown into an adventure that I never really wanted. You all know what happened at that point so I'm not going to repeat it again."
   You rather not think too much of Mr. Osric's death or the kind Goblin of Gringotts that Ranrok mercilessly got rid of.
   "During that adventure, we found out that I had abilities no one else seemed to have and Ranrok knew this which immediately made me a target."

"Because I was thrusted into the whole Ancient Magic adventure before even arriving at Hogwarts, let alone before making friends, I felt like I had to do this by myself. Well, with help from Professor Fig."
Your late Professor had helped with research and making that Polyjuice potion after all.
   "But the Keepers were always very adamant about me doing things alone. The trials, the seeking out of the Ancient Magic spots in the Highlands and preventing the Repositories from falling into the wrong hands."
   That last one didn't work out the way they had hoped, but then again you only found out Ranrok was after them when you discovered the second drained Repository. He had been a step ahead for the longest time.

"Count in the fact that a lot of people asked me for favors and I always wanted to help. I think I just needed the validation that I did a good job. I quickly found that it was easy to do things on my own."
This time you did look down at your hands.
   "I didn't have to worry about someone getting hurt because of me. It became worse after Professor Fig died. I felt like I failed him. That it was somehow my fault. It took a long time to realize it wasn't."

You looked up again and made sure to look them all in the eyes again, lingering just a second longer on Sebastian. You didn't dare to try and figure out any of the feelings that were displayed on their faces.
   "I'm just terrified that any of you might get severely hurt or worse and It'd be my fault." You swallowed the lump down that had started to form in your throat. "It already happened a couple of times now."
   "But Professor Weasley made me realize earlier that you all feel the same about me. That you are afraid I could get hurt or..."
You didn't say the word 'die' but it hung in the air like a dark cloud.

"So I am truly so sorry for not being honest with you. I want you all to know that I will do my very best to never do something foolish like training myself to the point of getting sick or shutting you out, ever again."
   You took another deep breath. "I'm sorry for worrying you."