Revival (Johanna's story with Luke Hemmings)

Chapter 20

Kat seems to slip straight back into party mode and has a bright-looking smile on her face as she carries it out and summons up a chorus of 'Happy birthday'. The cake is soon cut up and it tastes as decadent as it looked. Luke wanders off to grab another beer to wash down the chocolate. I talk briefly to Steve and Kat's cousin, who I've met a few times before at things like this, but then find I am looking over her shoulder. I see Luke talking to Nick over the ice-bin, but there is something different in his body language that puzzles me. I can hear their voices getting raised even before I excuse myself to walk over closer.

As I get close enough to decipher some words I hear Luke angry, "...not fucking likely." I stop and stay standing back for a minute. Both of them seem so wound up they don't notice me.

"Don't get all high and mighty about it. Would it not sit well with your lady friend?" Nick sneers.

"You just make damn sure you don't get Kat caught up in any of it" Luke fires back.

"Mind your own fucking business" Nick steps right up to Luke. Luke is a few inches taller and doesn't move or falter.

I step across to them quickly now, and Nick sees me first, putting his hands up in the air all innocently, "Mate I just provide a service" he smiles smugly to Luke and then turns to me. "Might be time you took him home I think," and he wanders off.

I turn to Luke puzzled, "What was that all about?"

"Uh shit" he runs his hands through his hair and looks really pissed off and tired. He pauses looking at me, but then just mutters, "I need to go to the loo" and walks off.

I look around. No one else seems at all bothered by the skirmish, and Nick has moved off to the far end of the lounge and joined a group of Steve's younger workmates, who look like they're planning on staying until the chilly-bin is empty. I feel like I've had enough anyway. I spot Steve and Kat standing together near the door saying goodbye to someone, and wander over. I'm saying goodbye to them and congratulating Kat on her cooking, when Luke returns and walks over.

"Are you ready to go?" I glance at him only very briefly.

"Sure."

We get in the car and I start driving back to Luke's place. I wait for him to say something but he just sits silently, staring down at his hands in his lap. I stubbornly say nothing either and the atmosphere is tense and awkward. Is he just going to try to ignore it and brush it off? There was an anger in him that I haven't seen before and I have this unease now about how big a part of him it might be. Maybe things have been too good to be true and I haven't seen the real him. I really didn't think I was just seeing what I wanted to though. He's got to have some kind of explanation - trouble is he doesn't seem to think I deserve to hear it. Nick's last comment about me taking Luke home was bloody condescending and pissed me off too.

I turn into his street, (- he doesn't live far from Kat's) and he finally talks. "I'm sorry ...I didn't mean to ruin it for you" his eyes stay down.

I pull over to the side of the road outside his house and turn the car off, wanting to give him the opportunity to say more.

"What were you two talking about? - do you know him from something else?" I try to sound as patient as I can at 2 am.

Luke hesitates, "Uh ...the guy's just a dick" he sighs.

"Great - okay, well if that's all you can be bothered to tell me..." I know I sound sulky. "I just don't get it" I soften a little.

He reaches for the door handle and I feel everything slipping away. Better to happen now I try to tell myself, as frustration turns to sadness. He opens the door and puts a foot out and I turn away and look out my window. The door shuts again too quickly, and when I turn back again he is still sitting there.

"I've bought pot off him a couple of times - years ago" he starts up. "I was only fifteen. I didn't recognise him at first tonight."

I rub my eyes and squeeze the top of my nose, wondering what else I might be going to find out about them both. "You were really angry with him. - That is damn young to be buying, and being sold, dope" I add.

He continues, "He remembered me ...probably more from some dodgy mates I had back then. He was trying to sell to me again." I make eye contact with him and his face is serious, but otherwise emotionless. "He used to hang around the high school a bit ...maybe he still does. He'd seek out the troubled kids and act like he cared. They'd end up with far bigger problems ...and a debt to him. He was always trying to sell all sorts of other stuff. I didn't even know what most of it was."

"Shit." It feels like a stupid response as soon as it comes out, but I don't know what else to say for a moment. "I'm glad you said something" I eventually offer after a few minutes.

"I really just want to forget that time in my life... - but I didn't want to let this stuff things up with us."

There are still lots of other questions in my head and a real concern about Kat, but it all seems pushed aside for now, especially by his last comment. I don't let myself further picture the angry, confused fifteen year old boy he has given me glimpses of. When he looks up at me again he looks intense, but less troubled. My hand instantly comes out to his face and my thumb brushes his cheek. My brain is beyond putting words together now to tell him I'm not judging him and that it's okay. I hope I can do it just by putting my arms around him.

He leans as close as he can in the car and presses his face into my neck and hair. His breathing is fast and warm against my neck and causes goosebumps down my back. We don't move for a long time.

"I don't want you to go." I'm not sure if I said it in my head or out loud at first, but then he pulls back from me a little so he can look me in the eye when he responds, "I don't want to go either."

"Do you want to come back to my place?" It's said before the sentence even seemed to form in my head, and his response is instant as well, "Yeah."